I like this new song, and generally the arrangement, but I would really like any critical comments on how to improve it, esp the arrangement..thanks in advance!

I Don't Wanna (Have to Be the One to Say Good-Bye)
http://soundcloud.com/tanomusic/i-dont-wanna-have-to-be-the

Style = Ashanti1

Lyric:
I Don't Wanna (Have to be the One to Say Good-bye)

I don't wanna share tomorrow
I don't wanna bear another sorrow
I don't wanna say "It's over..", but I can't lie;
(It's over baby..)

Maybe we should find a reason
Maybe you could say that I'm not pleasin';
But leavin's in the air, and leavin' makes me cry;
And I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye.

Yesterday our love was speeding;
Didn't think it would be needing feeding
So we stood and watched it fade before our eyes
(It's over baby..)

Guess we better talk about it;
Guess we're gonna have to live without it;
We've become a tangled knot that won't untie;
And I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye

Do we have to keep pretending?
Mustn't be afraid of ending it?
Isn't any hope of mending it;
So let's stop here,
Without a tear.

I don't wanna pick up pieces
I don't wanna sign no long-term leases
Time to let it go, we've passed the time to try;
(It's over baby..)

Tell me that you understand me,
Tell me can fall apart and land free;
Tell me what you want, just look me in the eye;
Cause I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye
I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye
I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye

(Break)
Do we have to keep defending it;
So let's stop here,
I can't take tears.

I don't wanna start explaining
Nevermind the smiles, inside it's raining;
I see it in your eyes, your heart, your hands, your sighs;
(It's raining, baby..)

You've been there before to cheer me;
Long ago you swore to hold and hear me;
Now everything is done, just help me one last time;
Cause I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye
I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye
I don't wanna have to be the one to say Good-bye

Hi Tano,

I enjoyed listening to this. The style and the arrangement have a really good, intimate feel about them. In my opinion, there's a great deal to like about this song. I also found myself really admiring the line "We've become a tangled knot that won't untie". That is such a great metaphor! I'm jealous

You asked for some critical comments ... (Please keep in mind that these are just my opinions; they may or may not be useful. Feel free to totally disregard them.)

To my way of thinking, the song could be streamlined a bit more. The song form is a variation on the standard AABA. This is good! It's a great form to work with and you've nailed the essence of it! To be honest, though, I was ready for the change in melody (the B-section) after "But leavin's in the air ... one to say goodbye". I don't know how much formal songwriting training you've had but one of the principles that many of the top songwriters keep in mind is a principle called "the rule of two". This principle simply says that "when you've done something twice, do something different". (The Beatles were great users of this principle.) I think that that's why the B-section in AABA is often called the "Release"; it goes somewhere different and offers listeners some variation, a bit of ear candy.

One way to help streamline a song is to reduce the word count. I do this all the time. Often my first draft of lyrics is closer to a novel than a song and what I do is to whittle away the words until I'm left with somewhere between 80 and 150 of the VERY BEST words that create the strongest sense-based journey for the listener. I've found that the lyric writing principle of "trying to say more with less" is well worth the agony of working out what stays and what goes.

Another thing that stood out to me was the metaphor "I don't wanna sign no long term leases". I really liked it lots as it produced some excellent images in my mind. From a whole-lyric perspective, though, the concept seems to be at odds with the hook of "I don't want to say goodbye" which tends to sound like "I wanna sign some long term leases". Maybe that's just me being an Aussie and all.

As I said above, these are just my thoughts; nothing more. Hopefully there will be some value in them.

All the best,
Noel

P.S. MOST IMPORTANT: Please keep in mind that I'm a closet songwriter and all my comments are worth only that much Also, if songwriting is something you do for personal pleasure, the only person who has to be happy with the song is you. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

Thanks Noel...your comments are most helpful! I really appreciate the assists from folks more polished than I.

Tano,
Although I'm just a songwriter hobbyist, in the spirit of collaboration, here's my two cents.
I liked your new song too, but like Noel I think it could be shorter. It's hard to hold the listeners ear much past 4:30 unless you have new elements being introduced. I think Noel had some great tips (which I'll write down in my notebook).
You asked for some input on the arrangement, how about an alto or tenor sax to fill in between the lyrics? Some Vibes or marimba fills might be interesting too.
Nice song with a sweet sensitive sentiment. Thanks for sharing.

SpaceDog

I really like the story you tell in your lyrics.
Your delivery matches the music and your story line.

Very unusual music, but really enjoyed it.

Music is simple, good mix, with "I'd" say vocals just right levels

Thanks for sharing your work.

Hi Tano,

This is a very good song and some good advice as already been given.

I will add that the length of the song did not bother me. In fact you have one of two paths you can take. If you are planing for the song to get airplay then yes it is too long but if you want to tell the complete story then it is fine as is.

What I was hearing as I listened was full orchestration, strings and brass, in sections of the song. Sections of the orchestra could be playing counter point lines in areas of the song also. This would keep the interest high through out the 5 minutes, IMHO. Again this is just my opinion.

However I do believe that this is a high quality song that just needs a little polish,

You want to know how to improve this particular recording? Don't touch it! (Okay, maybe it is a tad bit too long, but that is how the song goes.)

I love the bright music and equally bright vocals that are expressing such sad and dark thoughts. The contrast between music/vocals and lyrics is nothing short of artistic brilliance. If you could do a rougher vocal, you have a Tom Waits or Bob Dylan hit.

This is outstanding work. (Great use of BIAB too.)

There's a lot of good things in the song, but I think there are a number of things that could improve it a bit. Keep in mind that this advice is probably not worth any more than you paid for it.

My initial impression is that the song drags a bit. It's not a question of length - it just feels like some of the parts are on different beats than others. Perhaps pushing them forwards/back a bit might help. I don't really know how to pin it down more than that.

I think some of the lyrics work against each other, where it sounds like the singer might be on the fence about things. So I'm suggesting the following rewrites to make the lyric unambiguous:

Quote:

---

We don't even need to find a reason
You could simply say that I'm not pleasin';
Leavin's in the air, and though leavin' makes me cry;
Guess I'm gonna have to be the one to says Good-bye.

Yesterday our love was so strong;
Didn't think we'd ever have tell each other "so long"
Now we stand and watch it fade before our eyes
(It's faded baby..)

I don't wanna pick up pieces
We're not gonna get to sign no long-term leases
Time to let it go, we've passed the time to try;
(It's over baby..)

You've been there before to cheer me;
Long ago you swore to hold and hear me;
Now everything is done, just help me one last time;
Cause I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye
Guess I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye
Yes, I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye

---

As for the music, some random thoughts:

Although I like the idea behind the staggered part at 0:12, I don't think it works for the introduction. Instead, just use the intro riff (A-B-C-D) without the cadence and jump right into the song.

There's a bit of conflict between what the singers are singing and what the keyboard player is doing, and I think that's part of the "draggy" problem. I'd make the keyboard follow the singer.

I like the change up on the drums at 1:15.

What's the "boing" sound in the background at 3:59?

I agree that the song seems a bit long, but how you want to trim it is up to you. I don't think the instrumental adds anything to the song. I think you can drop a verse without doing any real damage to the song.

All in all, I think it's a good song.