Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other,

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say,

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,

kev,

thanks for keeping this topic alive. your jokes are clean and "top shelf" stuff. nobody need be hurt by a great joke. looks like i haven't even been missed! don't put that on your resume' that you once replaced an irishman, it will count aginya. erstwhile, knowing this thread is in very culpable hands, i'll retire to resume delving. version 2012 is simply fabulous!

IRS Audit


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now
realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the auditor

Forgive me if this was already posted.

A man was stopped by a game-warden in South Louisiana with two buckets of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.

Merry Christmas

An Irishman was walking along a beach and spotted a bottle. When he rubbed it a Genie appeared and said (yadda yadda) and the Irish guy got two wishes.

"For my first wish, I'd like a bottle of Irish Whiskey that never get empty."
Poof... a bottle appears. The Irishman finds a glass and fills it with the whiskey.
Miraculously the bottle refills itself.
"Wow" says the Irishman.. "That's amazing"
The Genie says "What is your second wish?"
The Irishman replies "That bottle is amazing.... I'd like another one"..."

Good one Bob.


*How the Internet Came to Be . . . . .*


*In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was
a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often
called Amazon Dot Com.*
* **And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving
thy tent?"*
* **And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"*
*And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply
telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums
and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).*
*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his
tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).*

*And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*
*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to
be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.*
*And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."*
*And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said
Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*
*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things
around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to
Locating Everything (GOOGLE).*

*That is how it all began. And that's the truth.*

O'Connor and the Fierce Dog

O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large Rottweiler at his feet.

'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
'No,' replies O'Connor.

So Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
'Hey!' screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'

'That's not my dog Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking,

A 98 year old man goes to a new Doctor for a checkup.

After examining him, the Doc says

Two blondes are walking down the street when one says to the other

Just to keep this musical....

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.

On the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide,

On the first day, God created the dog and said: