Page 10 of 167 < 1 2 ... 8 9 10 11 12 ... 166 167 >
You need to be logged in to post on the forum
Topic Options
Index
#137739 - 12/19/11 12:05 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said,

Top
#137740 - 12/19/11 12:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,

Top
#137741 - 12/19/11 12:15 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it

Top
#137742 - 12/19/11 12:17 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don

Top
#137743 - 12/19/11 12:18 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn

Top
#137744 - 12/19/11 12:21 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,

Top
#137745 - 12/19/11 12:24 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 767
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice

Top
#137746 - 12/19/11 01:47 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
sinbad Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 533
Loc: Germany
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walked into a pub in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The barman approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'

The drunk Paddy replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
_________________________
Chris

Top
#137747 - 12/19/11 01:50 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: sinbad]
sinbad Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 533
Loc: Germany
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my brea$ts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your brea$ts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my brea$ts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my brea$ts every day will make my brea$ts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ar$e, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
_________________________
Chris

Top
#137748 - 12/19/11 10:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: sinbad]
bobcflatpicker Offline
Veteran

Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 3119
Loc: WV, USA
Chris,

The ballerina joke is now in my joke file! Thanks
_________________________
Bob
................................
http://soundcloud.com/bobcflatpicke/music-in-the-mountains

Top
#137749 - 12/20/11 10:08 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: bobcflatpicker]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6143
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what

happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Top
#137750 - 12/20/11 04:41 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6143
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Lesser Known Murphy's Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Top
#137751 - 12/20/11 09:56 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Keith from Oz Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 1933
Loc: NSW Australia
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What
_________________________
Cheers,
Keith

Top
#137752 - 12/21/11 09:46 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Keith from Oz]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6143
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
The New Recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

Top
#137753 - 12/21/11 12:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
furry Offline
Veteran

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 4481
Loc: Scottish Highlands
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
_________________________
Graham............

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

Top
Page 10 of 167 < 1 2 ... 8 9 10 11 12 ... 166 167 >


Shout Box (Live chat with other users)

PG Music News
Video - Save Your Song as a Video with Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows!

One of the newest features in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows is the ability to save your song as a video!

Watch this newest feature in action with our YouTube video: http://youtu.be/P07vmLIJCok

Introducing RealTracks Artist Avery Bright - Album Credits

RealTracks Artist Avery Bright has been playing the Violin since he was just four years old! He's been part of a few different albums this year - view his album credits here.

You'll find Avery's work in RealTracks Set 206: Pop String Quartet.

Purchase jBridge for Only $10!

One of the exciting new features in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows is support for 64-bit VST Plugins when you use jBridge.

You can purchase jBridge for just $10 during our special! Click here for more information.

Load and Play Videos with Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows!

One of the new features in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows is the ability to load videos that you have already downloaded from YouTube or elsewhere into Band-in-a-Box Video Window. The audio is extracted from the video to the audio track!
Watch program creator Peter Gannon explain this new feature here.

Introducing RealTracks Artist Mike Moreno - Upcoming Shows!

Mike Moreno is a Jazz guitarist recognized as being one of the most important figures in the new generation of Jazz guitarists! He's also a busy man - not only will you find his work in our newest Jazz RealTracks Sets 215-216, you'll also find him performing throughout January! For a complete list of his upcoming performances, visit http://www.mikemoreno.com/shows.html

NEW! Band-in-a-Box Version 2015 Build 412 Update

The Band-in-a-Box Version 2015 Build 412 update is a free update for every Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows user! Click here to download.
** Major feature added **
Save as Video.
Now you can save your Band-in-a-Box song composition as a video, that you can upload to YouTube or work with in video programs. Just press the [Save as] button and choose 'Save as Video'. The 'video' portion is the chordsheet in Band-in-a-Box that shows the chords and a highlighted bar moving as the song plays. Song title and song info displays at the top of the window. For example, you can make a backing track for a cool chord progression, and upload it to YouTube for others to play along to. Do a visual transpose and upload a second version for Bb tenor sax players.

This patch also includes:


  • Fixed: When no mp3 codecs were available and render was chosen to mp3, program was sometimes locking up.

  • Fixed: Icon changed for 2015 new features in some menus.

  • Fixed: Most HiQ instruments have been updated - fixed tuning problems and one sustained note problem.

  • Improved: RT207 - A new RT - Horn Section, Rhythm, Funk 2-part, Ev 110 (Simple with Space) adds space between riffs and sounds more like a background style.

  • Fixed: RT 208 Rockabilly - RealStyle fixed.

  • Fixed: RT 209 Baritone Sax - RealStyle fixed.

  • Fixed: RT 210 Motown - Style Demos Audio added, some song demos updated.

  • Fixed: RT 211 Motown - Demo fixed.

  • Fixed: RT 212 Synths - RealStyle and demos added for Synth, ElectroFlutes, Rhythm Pop Ev 085

  • Fixed: RT 216 Jazz Pollwinners - updated/fixed demos and styles.

  • Fixed: Audiophile version crash when a specific P&W holds file was used.

  • Updated: StylePicker list updates for new styles.

  • Updated: Documentation and help file updates.

Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Windows Hard Drive!

The pre-installed hard drive option for the Band-in-a-Box UltraPlusPAK, EverythingPAK and Audiophile Edition packages are a convenient way to purchase your Band-in-a-Box! These options are delivered completely pre-installed on a high-speed USB 2.0 HD!

Taking your Band-in-a-Box with you is easy when you have the UltraPlusPAK, EverythingPAK or Audiophile Edition.

Forum Stats
22398 Members
39 Forums
31721 Topics
251554 Posts

Max Online: 1063 @ 07/10/13 12:12 PM
Newest Members
davidvga, Stagecoach, mrjuban, SlashBIAB, umd

22398 Registered Users
Top Posters (30 Days)
PeterGannon 279
Noel96 255
Matt Finley 213
rharv 205
Pat Marr 205
seeker 169
jford 166
Greg Johnson 162
solidrock 142
Guitarhacker 124
Today's Birthdays
Country Fever, Mariothegreat