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#137739 - 12/19/11 12:05 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said,

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#137740 - 12/19/11 12:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,

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#137741 - 12/19/11 12:15 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it

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#137742 - 12/19/11 12:17 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don

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#137743 - 12/19/11 12:18 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn

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#137744 - 12/19/11 12:21 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,

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#137745 - 12/19/11 12:24 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 771
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice

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#137746 - 12/19/11 01:47 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
sinbad Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 591
Loc: Germany
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walked into a pub in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The barman approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'

The drunk Paddy replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
_________________________
Chris

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#137747 - 12/19/11 01:50 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: sinbad]
sinbad Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 591
Loc: Germany
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my brea$ts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your brea$ts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my brea$ts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my brea$ts every day will make my brea$ts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ar$e, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
_________________________
Chris

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#137748 - 12/19/11 10:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: sinbad]
bobcflatpicker Offline
Veteran

Registered: 10/27/07
Posts: 3241
Loc: WV, USA
Chris,

The ballerina joke is now in my joke file! Thanks
_________________________
Bob
................................
http://soundcloud.com/bobcflatpicke/music-in-the-mountains

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#137749 - 12/20/11 10:08 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: bobcflatpicker]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6561
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what

happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

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#137750 - 12/20/11 04:41 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6561
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Lesser Known Murphy's Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

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#137751 - 12/20/11 09:56 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Keith from Oz Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 1959
Loc: NSW Australia
Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What
_________________________
Cheers,
Keith

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#137752 - 12/21/11 09:46 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Keith from Oz]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6561
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
The New Recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

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#137753 - 12/21/11 12:11 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
furry Offline
Veteran

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 4522
Loc: Scottish Highlands
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
_________________________
Graham............

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

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Audio Track Available in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac

An Audio Track has been added to version 2015 of Band-in-a-Box for MAC.

With this new feature, you can:
- Import an audio file (WAV, AIFF, MP3, M4A, etc.) to the Audio track.
- Record a vocal or an instrument to the Audio track.
- Render your song to the Audio Track.

We've also added an Audio Edit Window that shows the digital waveform for the Audio track. In this window, you can easily select, play, and edit the audio.

Check out these features and more of the 50+ new features in the Band-in a-Box 2015 MAC New Features Video.

Special Offers EXTENDED Until July 15th for Mac Band-in-a-Box 2015

Good news! Our Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac special has been extended until July 15th! So, if you haven't had a chance to order your copy of Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac and want to take advantage of great sale pricing on most upgrade packages as well as receive some BONUS items with your purchase, there's still time!

Take a look at all the packages available here: http://www.pgmusic.com/bbmac.packages.htm

Learn all about Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac here: http://www.pgmusic.com/bbmac.new.htm

Today is the LAST DAY of our Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac Special!

June 30th is the last day of our Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac special! Order now for great savings on most upgrade packages, as well as FREE BONUS items!

Place your order online at http://www.pgmusic.com/bbmac.packages.htm or give us a call!

The Bonus 49-PAK for Mac... What is it?

During our Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac Special, when you purchase ANY Band-in-a-Box package you are able to add a 49-PAK to your order for just $49!

What is the 49-PAK? It's a great way (and the only way) to receive some amazing UNRELEASED RealTracks, Artist Performances, Instrumental Studies and MIDI SuperTracks!

To listen to demos and learn more about the 49-PAK, visit www.pgmusic.com/bbmac/bonuspaks2015.htm

We also have a great video on our YouTube page that showcases all the items available in the 49-PAK, which can be watched here: https://youtu.be/azoay5lZ00M

Band-in-a-Box 2015 Mac Special Prices end June 30, 2015!

If you haven't purchased your Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac Upgrade yet, there's still time to SAVE on Upgrade packages and receive a FREE Bonus 6-PAK with your order! But, time is running out - our special ends on June 30, 2015!
Band-in-a-Box package information...

During our special, we're also offering additional Bonus PAKs packed full of unreleased RealTracks, MIDI SuperTracks, Instrumental Studies and Artist Performances! Learn more about Bonus PAKs...

Freebie Friday - Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac includes a FREE 6-PAK Until June 30th!

During our Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac special we're giving away the Bonus 6-PAK with all First-time and most* Upgrade packages!

So, what are you getting for FREE in this 6-PAK?
5 Artist Performances:
-An Irish Session - The Silver Spear (Reel) Rhythm guitar
-An Irish Session - The Silver Spear (Reel) Banjo Melody
-An Irish Session - The Silver Spear (Reel) Guitar Melody
-Pop Saxes, Flute & Clarinet JAZFUNK Artist Performance with Saxes - So Sweet Melody
-Pop Saxes, Flute & Clarinet JAZFUNK Artist Performance with Saxes - So Sweet Soloist

5 Instrumental Studies:
-Guitar, Acoustic, Country\Country Fingerpicking, Ev 085
-Guitar, Acoustic, Celtic\Celtic Reel, Ev16 110
-Guitar, Electric, Blues and Rock\Blues Rock Shuffle, Sw 130
-Guitar, Electric, Country\Country Soloist, Ev 120
-Guitar, Electric, Jazz and Bossa\Jazz Comp, Sw 140

5 MIDI SuperTracks:
-String Quartet, Rhythm PopEven Ev 120
-Piano, Electric, Rhythm MotownRnBUptempo Ev 165
-Piano, Rhythm NewOrleansMardiGrasKevin Ev16 085
-Piano, Rhythm RockabillyJiveKevin Sw 190
-Piano, Rhythm RockabillyRockNRollKevin Ev 165

Learn more about the Bonus 6-PAK, listen to Demos, and see what else we're offering for a limited time at www.pgmusic.com/bbmac.bonuspaks2015.htm

(*the $49 Pro Upgrade doesn't include the Bonus 6-PAK or any other additional Add-ons)

Video - Using Drag and Drop in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac

With Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac, there were over 50 new features added, which included Drop Station enhancements!

We've created a new video available on our YouTube Channel and Support page titled "Video: Using Drag and Drop in Band-in-a-Box 2015 for Mac" that highlights the enhanced feature!

Head to the Forum Post announcing this video to watch a particular section.

Video Index:
-Introduction
-Configuring Drag and Drop
-Dragging Audio to Finder
-Dragging Audio to GarageBand
-Viewing Suggestions

Watch the complete video on YouTube

Visit our Support page to view the video on our website!

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