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#137769 - 12/25/11 12:18 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
The Oldest Profession

Three professionals, a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were having a heated discussion as to which of them had the oldest profession.

The doctor spoke first by declaring:

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#137770 - 12/26/11 09:23 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA

Mr Angry - Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said," You must be the worst caddy in the world."

"That would be too much of a coincidence, sir," answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

==============================================================
* Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down."

* Ten Marvellously True But Very Funny Sayings about Golf

1) I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky

2) They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that - Gardner

3) I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano

4) Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon

5) I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon

6) Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino

7) The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown

8) I'd like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros

9) If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon

10) Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill

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#137771 - 12/26/11 11:00 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
furry Offline
Veteran

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 4482
Loc: Scottish Highlands

God created the dog and said: ' Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.
Thereafter God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

S o that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

.
_________________________
Graham............

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

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#137772 - 12/26/11 11:18 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: furry]
Tommyc Offline
Expert

Registered: 01/08/11
Posts: 1968
It's True Graham !

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#137773 - 12/26/11 01:52 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Tommyc]
furry Offline
Veteran

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 4482
Loc: Scottish Highlands
I've been barking mad for years according to my manager ( the wife )
_________________________
Graham............

Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

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#137774 - 12/27/11 09:54 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: furry]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Subject: Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain
broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back

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#137775 - 12/27/11 10:52 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Thief and the Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus."

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#137776 - 12/27/11 11:02 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
"Why is it that the further West that one travels in the United States, the nearer one gets to the Far East?"

- Victor Borge

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#137777 - 12/27/11 07:21 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
No Change?

A woman had lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of shopping. When she returned to the store, to see if someone had turned in her purse, she saw a small boy standing next to the perfume counter at the entrance, clutching her bag tightly against his chest.

She ran up to him and began thanking him as he handed her the handbag. She opened it to examine the contents and said,

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#137778 - 12/29/11 11:29 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Apparently a true story

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio concerning guns and children.

This is a portion of an American National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female interviewer and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation:

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach the Boy Scouts climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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#137779 - 12/30/11 12:53 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Pat Marr Offline
Veteran

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 5309
Loc: Winston-Salem, NC
A couple was doing last minute shopping on Christmas Eve. Walking through the mall the wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around. She became very upset. She called her husband to ask where he was.

The husband said "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife, crying, said "Yes, I remember".

"Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store.
_________________________
You can train a dog to jump through a hoop by positive reinforcement. But if you kick him just once after he jumps through the hoop, he will probably avoid the hoop from then on. The same principle is true of song writing.

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#137780 - 12/30/11 01:07 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Pat Marr]
Cornet Nev Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 232
Loc: Lancashire UK
Quote:


"Well, I'm in the bar next to that jewelry store.




Probably why he still cannot afford that necklace.

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#137781 - 12/30/11 01:59 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Cornet Nev]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
My wife told an old Cherokee woman that she had just gotten a nice bottle of wine for me.

The old woman said:

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#137782 - 12/30/11 02:05 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
"Never let your horse think that he is smarter than you, even if the evidence is overwhelming!"

- Don Gaynor

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#137783 - 12/30/11 02:10 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6144
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
"Me wee bit'o a faather cloymed t'be oyrish but y'know how them oyrishmen can loy!"

- Don Gaynor

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