"It goes without saying...!"

Out of the Mouths

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?

Ok - this little lot will wrap up 2011 nicely.

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can

Two women, just newly arrived at the pearly gates, are comparing stories on how they died and reached Heaven.

1st woman:

An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in or around Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery where they are sorted by casino and then taken to their casinos of origin and cashed out. This is done by the chip monks.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional

"But

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

A very wealthy man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they each would do with the money.

The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair and makeup done, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this just to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new peripherals for his computer, a new hdtv and expensive clothes.
She tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future together because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out