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#137784 - 12/30/11 12:33 PM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6044
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
"It goes without saying...!"

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#137785 - 12/31/11 08:32 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 6044
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Out of the Mouths

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?

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#137786 - 12/31/11 10:55 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Ok - this little lot will wrap up 2011 nicely.

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it

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#137787 - 12/31/11 10:58 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a

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#137788 - 12/31/11 10:59 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail

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#137789 - 12/31/11 11:03 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,

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#137790 - 12/31/11 11:06 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can

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#137791 - 12/31/11 11:09 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Two women, just newly arrived at the pearly gates, are comparing stories on how they died and reached Heaven.

1st woman:

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#137792 - 12/31/11 11:12 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they

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#137793 - 12/31/11 11:14 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in or around Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery where they are sorted by casino and then taken to their casinos of origin and cashed out. This is done by the chip monks.

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#137794 - 12/31/11 11:17 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.


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#137795 - 12/31/11 11:20 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional

"But

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#137796 - 12/31/11 11:28 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.


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#137797 - 12/31/11 11:30 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A very wealthy man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they each would do with the money.

The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair and makeup done, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this just to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new peripherals for his computer, a new hdtv and expensive clothes.
She tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future together because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he

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#137798 - 12/31/11 11:34 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 744
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out

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PG Music News
Band-in-a-Box 2014 for Windows Update Patch Build 386

Download this Update Patch here.
Summary of Changes for Version 2014 Build 386 (Sept 30, 2014):

-Fixed: RealDrums dialog was showing an error message in build 385.
-Improved: Big Piano Window is now size-able. Drag the window to the height, width that you want. This can be useful, for example, when recording a YouTube video, match the size to the size of the piano to a video of a real piano, so that you set the same # of octaves to display - then match the width. There are also preset buttons for 40,40,75,100% of piano size in the big piano options dialog.
-Updated: RealTracks artist bio information updated (to fix outdated url's etc).
-Fixed: (Japanese and Chinese version only). Entry of title was sometimes opening a text entry IME dialog.

RealTracks Artist Jack Pearson Performs October 8th!

If you'd like to see Jack Pearson perform live, head to The Station Inn in Nashville, TN on October 8th! He takes the stage at 8pm.

Click here for venue information.

Band-in-a-Box 2014 for Mac Review

For many years Band-in-a-Box 2014 has been my indispensable musical companion, whether I’m knocking up backing tracks for my solo gigs, creating professional-sounding background music for my documentaries, or just having fun. The 2014 makeover absolutely ticks every box and brings the abundant feature set under control. If making music brings joy to your life, Band-in-a-Box 2014 will make you even happier.
Keith White - Macworld Australia

Click here to read the review on Macworld.
Click here to read the PDF.

RealTracks Artist Gary Smulyan's Organ Quartet!

The Gary Smulyan Organ Quartet has a busy October coming up!
See if they're playing near you, visit http://garysmulyan.com and click on tour.

RealTracks Artist Phil Woods - October Performance!

Award-winning jazz saxophonist Phil Woods will perform in North Carolina on Tuesday, Oct. 14, at 7 p.m. at the Schaefer Center for the Performing Arts at Appalachian State University!

Click here for more information.

Video - Making a Song in Band-in-a-Box

New to Band-in-a-Box? Creating your first song is as easy as pressing play! To watch a step-by-step video tutorial on creating your own song, watch this YouTube video: http://youtu.be/PRSX_w3wNJs.

RealTracks Artist Kenny Barron - Oct & Nov Performances!

Kenny Barron will be performing in October and November! To see if there's a performance near you, head to: http://kennybarron.com/itinerary/

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