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#137859 - 01/19/12 10:45 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: sinbad]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 5773
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
chris,

i'm sorry, my friend, but your humor is over the line and i don't want to be an accessory to it. there are literally millions of fabulous jokes that are suitable to all audiences. since this is a family-oriented site, i respectfully request that you remove all such posts. no need to get the moderators involved. this has been a very fun topic until you added some off color jokes earlier and again today. a good thing has now become smut. thanks bunches.

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#137860 - 01/20/12 06:26 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 5773
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Amazing Facts

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Now you know everything

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#137861 - 01/21/12 07:01 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 5773
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Story about an Early Morning Drunk

Rodney and Wilma, his wife, are awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. Rodney man gets up and goes to the door where he sees a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain.

"Give us a push" says the swaying stranger.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" Wilma asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside.

His wife said, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Rodney does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out Rodney.
"Yes. Please." comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks Rodney.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

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#137862 - 01/21/12 07:18 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 5773
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Ready to retire?

Take this quiz to find out.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree

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#137863 - 01/23/12 01:21 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
Keith from Oz Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 1889
Loc: NSW Australia
I recently bought an Irish video recorder. It's really good..... it records programs I don't want to watch, and plays then back when I'm not at home.
_________________________
Cheers,
Keith

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#137864 - 01/23/12 01:22 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Keith from Oz]
Keith from Oz Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 1889
Loc: NSW Australia
An Irish Newspaper... "Win 500 Euros in our crossword competition. But if you just want to play for fun the answers are on page 35".
_________________________
Cheers,
Keith

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#137865 - 01/23/12 01:31 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Keith from Oz]
Keith from Oz Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 1889
Loc: NSW Australia
This is for you Don.

I love Irish people. An Irish pub that I occasionally frequent has little words of wisdom on the walls:

"
_________________________
Cheers,
Keith

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#137866 - 01/23/12 05:21 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Keith from Oz]
Don Gaynor Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 5773
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Keith,

Thank you for keeping this topic alive and clean.

I have grandchildren who follow this topic every day in class with their teacher's permission.

Historical Truths

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence the saying a 'thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat.

They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

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#137867 - 01/23/12 07:29 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Don Gaynor]
gibson Offline
Expert

Registered: 08/25/03
Posts: 1198
Loc: in the M4 Boogaloo
Quote:

since this is a family-oriented site


and
Quote:

Thank you for keeping this topic alive and clean. I have grandchildren who follow this topic every day in class with their teacher's permission.


Ah Hah I understand now, I was getting confused why on a musician's site there were so many clean jokes and when they eventually turn up the author gets lambasted. Another mystery of the universe solved! Carry on Don!
_________________________
Some songs at Alyn James

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#137868 - 01/23/12 09:52 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: gibson]
Gary Curran Offline
Veteran

Registered: 01/07/02
Posts: 9986
Loc: Poulsbo, Wa 98370
Letter from Mother:

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the numbers when they left so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.


The weather isn't too bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days, and the second time for four. The coat you wanted me to send, your Uncle Steve said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so we don't know if you're and aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought him off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S., I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Love,

Mom

Reply from the Child:
(Now at San Diego Marine Corps recruit training)


Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee.. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Carol
_________________________
Music touches everyone, and everyone can touch music, if they wish.

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#137869 - 01/23/12 10:43 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Gary Curran]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 742
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them. "
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yoghurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly coloured sprinkle candy to put on the yoghurt.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. "
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. "
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Kentucky, so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil. "
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips waddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good. "
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created Medical Aid.


Kevin

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#137870 - 01/23/12 10:46 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 742
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came
across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you
feeling?" ...

... "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"


Kevin

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#137871 - 01/23/12 10:47 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 742
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat
and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. "Are ye taking me tae the pub with
ye?"

"Naw, I'm switching the heat aff while I'm oot," he replied.


Kevin

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#137872 - 01/23/12 10:48 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 742
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken
Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again,
the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."


Kevin

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#137873 - 01/23/12 10:50 AM Re: SANITY TEST - FUNNY [Re: Kevin Woolley]
Kevin Woolley Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 03/11/04
Posts: 742
Loc: Pietersburg, South Africa
Can you spare just $1.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.

He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and
only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $1.00, we will send you the video - it

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