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#414910 - 05/24/17 06:19 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
MarioD Offline
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Registered: 12/27/03
Posts: 10258
Loc: Hamlin NY
Originally Posted By: Al-David
Originally Posted By: MarioD
I could pick a number of phrases from Jon's Prine's first album but a couple that caught my attention were from Sam Stone

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios

and from Hello In There

Ya' know that old trees just grow stronger
And old rivers grow wilder ev'ry day
Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, "Hello in there, hello"


Mario,

Those are excellent! Being that I'm 70 years old, I kinda like that last one best. I'm not one of those people but I know many folks in my age group who are. Thanks for your contribution to the discussion! Best to you,

Alan


Alan, I'm 71 and like you I am not one of those people but again alike you I know a few who are like in the song. Hello In There has been one of my favorites since the day it was released.
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#414911 - 05/24/17 06:20 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Guitarhacker]
MarioD Offline
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Posts: 10258
Loc: Hamlin NY
Originally Posted By: Guitarhacker
I thought this was supposed to be about YOUR lyrics, not cover tunes. Yes?


Yes Herb you are right. I was just following the rest, my bad.
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#414919 - 05/24/17 08:05 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
chulaivet1966 Offline
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Registered: 01/10/13
Posts: 554
Loc: West coast
I'd suspect very diverse submissions with this topic.

I wrote a song called "I'm Ready" a few years ago.
Just a song about my take of how one deals with life in general.
Took me a while to get the lyrics to my satisfaction.
I always liked how the following lines came together:

Last two lines verse 1:
Comes a time to decide when to fight or give in.
Be advised, such is life and you sink or you swim.

First two lines verse 2:
Best defense is a mind that's thinkin' ahead.
A wise man said know your enemies better than friends.

Back to it.....
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#414952 - 05/24/17 12:55 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Guitarhacker]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Guitarhacker
I thought this was supposed to be about YOUR lyrics, not cover tunes. Yes?


Herb,

You are correct - that was the original intent. I'd prefer to keep it that way but a few folks went the other direction. I think I'll go back to the original post and edit it to make that more emphatic. Thanks!

Alan
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#414953 - 05/24/17 12:56 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: chulaivet1966]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: chulaivet1966
I'd suspect very diverse submissions with this topic.

I wrote a song called "I'm Ready" a few years ago.
Just a song about my take of how one deals with life in general.
Took me a while to get the lyrics to my satisfaction.
I always liked how the following lines came together:

Last two lines verse 1:
Comes a time to decide when to fight or give in.
Be advised, such is life and you sink or you swim.

First two lines verse 2:
Best defense is a mind that's thinkin' ahead.
A wise man said know your enemies better than friends.

Back to it.....



Howdy!

Really cool lines! I'm particularly fond of the last couplet. That's some real nice writing! Thanks for joining in!

ALan
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

Instrumental Loops Website: https://aldavidmusic.wixsite.com/bestmusicloops


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#414959 - 05/24/17 01:35 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
chulaivet1966 Offline
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Registered: 01/10/13
Posts: 554
Loc: West coast
Originally Posted By: Al-David
Howdy! Really cool lines! I'm particularly fond of the last couplet. That's some real nice writing! Thanks for joining in! ALan


That song (I'm Ready) was one of (4) incomplete songs that I was finally able to finish all thanks to BIAB .

If not for taking the BIAB plunge a couple years ago (v2012.5) that muther may still be sitting in my 'incomplete folder' and I'd be cursing at it as to why it hadn't completed itself. smile
(I'm on v2015 UltraPlusPak now)

That tune is on my s/c page.....thanks for the response and very kind comments.

Back to it.....


Edited by chulaivet1966 (05/24/17 01:37 PM)
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#414966 - 05/24/17 02:11 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
rockstar_not Offline
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Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 7206
Loc: Colorado Springs, CO, USA
Wrote it this morning:

Like the monkey hits the lever for another treat,
Reaching for the snooze so I can get more sleep.

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#414996 - 05/24/17 05:31 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
Guitarhacker Offline
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Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 5248
Well.... I'll chime in on this with my favorite lyric.

This is my favorite lyric for a few reasons. Not my favorite song by any means but the way the lyrics seemed to flow...I think I wrote this in a few sessions but each session was smooth. I would write a verse with no effort and in no time at all.

Leave Our Country Alone

It's a political song but regardless of your views, read the lyrics from a writer's POV and listen to the song as well. I had a few people comment on the interesting rhymes and the way the words just seemed to fit together effortlessly.

Anyway, I like the way it turned out. My favorite part is after the solo to the end.


Edited by Guitarhacker (05/24/17 05:33 PM)
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#415036 - 05/25/17 02:28 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: chulaivet1966]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: chulaivet1966
Originally Posted By: Al-David
Howdy! Really cool lines! I'm particularly fond of the last couplet. That's some real nice writing! Thanks for joining in! ALan


That song (I'm Ready) was one of (4) incomplete songs that I was finally able to finish all thanks to BIAB .

If not for taking the BIAB plunge a couple years ago (v2012.5) that muther may still be sitting in my 'incomplete folder' and I'd be cursing at it as to why it hadn't completed itself. smile
(I'm on v2015 UltraPlusPak now)

That tune is on my s/c page.....thanks for the response and very kind comments.

Back to it.....


First, you are welcome. As I said, real cool lines!

And I know what you mean about BIAB opening not only new doors, but also new desires to bet back to it and finished what fell by the side earlier. The versatility and relative simplicity of the product make getting back to it easier and a lot more fun. Ah ... the satisfaction of completion!

We started with BAIN 2011 and bought the upgrade eo each new version since, plus all the "atras". What a tool!

Alan


Edited by Al-David (05/25/17 02:29 AM)
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

Instrumental Loops Website: https://aldavidmusic.wixsite.com/bestmusicloops


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#415039 - 05/25/17 02:55 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Guitarhacker]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Guitarhacker
Well.... I'll chime in on this with my favorite lyric.

This is my favorite lyric for a few reasons. Not my favorite song by any means but the way the lyrics seemed to flow...I think I wrote this in a few sessions but each session was smooth. I would write a verse with no effort and in no time at all.

Leave Our Country Alone

It's a political song but regardless of your views, read the lyrics from a writer's POV and listen to the song as well. I had a few people comment on the interesting rhymes and the way the words just seemed to fit together effortlessly.

Anyway, I like the way it turned out. My favorite part is after the solo to the end.



Howdy Herb,

Always a treat when you stop in.

You and I may view politics somewhat differently but that doesn't mean a thing when it comes to evaluating the merits of the musical composition.

I agree with the others who commented on your rhymes. Here's the verse that stuck most in my mind as I considered the lyrical construction:

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Stop the pipe line, don't pump the oil, be the left wing wacko foil
Build the car that no one wants to buy.
Subsidize your wealthy friends they all go bankrupt in the end
Regulate the rest so that no one tries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

You things struck me immediately as I listened and read:

1. I love the internal rhymes. That always a huge plus with me. Good internal rhymes can make all the difference in a song, even beyond the lyric itself. Internal rhymes embellish the quality of the listen and, more importantly, put a punctuation mark on the rhythm and pace of the music. They add to the listeners' ability to sense a "feel" for the song, whether they realize it or not. I analogize to to a military march - "the Hup-two-three-four". The Although less accented, the "two-three-four" keep the "Hup" in time and allow it to establish cadence and impact more dramatically. The internal rhymes of the lyric mimic the job of the "two-three-four" in the cadence call. Love internal rhymes!

2. Your word choices for the rhymes. "Oil" and "foil" is the best example, I think. "Foil" is an unexpected word in most lyrics. Every time I run across a song with an unexpected word, particularly as an internal rhyme, I silently smile and think "Cool! This lyricist knows how to articulately create, not just make/force a rhyme". There is a difference!

The idea of any "message" song, political or otherwise, is to get your message across to the listener. You did a great job of that.

We may disagree with the message, but I cannot disagree with the talent you employed to create the message. And that's what songwriting is about - creating the story you want to tell in a way that it does just that in an inambiguous yet intererstingway. Nicely done, Herb! Thanks for your input!

Alan


Edited by Al-David (05/25/17 02:55 AM)
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

Instrumental Loops Website: https://aldavidmusic.wixsite.com/bestmusicloops


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#415041 - 05/25/17 02:57 AM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: rockstar_not]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: rockstar_not
Wrote it this morning:

Like the monkey hits the lever for another treat,
Reaching for the snooze so I can get more sleep.


I like it! That's about as creative as I've heard in a while. You sold me! Thanks for the rhyme and your contribution to the discussion.

Alan
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

Instrumental Loops Website: https://aldavidmusic.wixsite.com/bestmusicloops


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#415415 - 05/27/17 04:49 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: ]
Al-David Offline
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Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: redfm
You've got a point of veiw
But you just can't see
I hear you've got a friend
But it ain't me


Hi Freddie,

Thanks for joining in! I like it - that's a real cool bit of a lyric. Thanks for sharing that! Wishing you the best,

Alan
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

Instrumental Loops Website: https://aldavidmusic.wixsite.com/bestmusicloops


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#416059 - 05/31/17 11:37 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
Kajun Jeaux Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 11/16/03
Posts: 356
Loc: Baker, La
Met a guy hitch-hiking along side the road just outside of El Paso in the late 60s. He was carrying a pack of his trappings and an old guitar slung cross his back. I was fresh out of Vietnam, determined I wasn't going back home until I saw the better part of the country, trying to get the bad taste of war out of my mind. Anyway, he took a liking to me so we bummed around the country together for a while.

I can honestly say I've never heard anyone play the low-down blues like that guy. It would make a bull dog wanna hug a hound. Once he took that first slug of wine he'd break out that old guitar and play the blues til the morning light.

Somehow, we had migrated down to Jacksonville, how we ever got there I'll never know. Anyway we were suppose to meet the next morning to hit the road again, but I got tangled up with a couple of wired-up chicks from Jupiter and maaaan did we fly. Long story short, by the time I woke up and stumbled over to what was suppose to be our meeting/departure location, he had already moved on and I never ever saw him again.

A couple of years later when I finally made it home and collected what was left of my thoughts, I wrote a song about him, 'They Called Him The Blues Man'. I had always hoped to see him again so I could give the song to him, but it never happened..... Anyway here are some of the lyrics...... Oh. sorry about being so voluminous...

THEY CALL HIM THE BLUES MAN....
Not one dime in his pockets
and holes in both his shoes
he was feeling kinda lonely
down with the blues

With everything he owned
wrapped up inside that pack
and he carried an old guitar
kept it slung cross his back

Yeah-e-Yeah
for the price of a good slug of wine
He'd break out that old guitar
and play the blues til the morning light

Troubles seem to find him
no matter which way he'd choose
But with a broken heart and broken dreams
there's not much left to lose

With one hand on the bible
the other on a bottle of booze
he was at the bottom
with nothing left to lose

They called him the blues man
seems like I can still hear him play
But like a desert rose in a sand storm
he just faded away

Yeah E Yeah E Yeah,
aaah for the price of a good slug of wine
He'd break out that old guitar
and play the blues til the morning light

Yeah, they called him the blues man
seems like I can still hear him play
But like a desert rose in a sand storm
He just faded away


The song is to you Boley, my old friend....

Kajun Jeaux

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#416060 - 05/31/17 11:57 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Guitarhacker]
Kajun Jeaux Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 11/16/03
Posts: 356
Loc: Baker, La
That was fantasic, Herb. Natural talent on display.....

Kajun Jeaux

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#416438 - 06/03/17 10:27 PM [Songwriting] Re: Your Favorite or Most Interesting Lyric Rhyme In A Song You Wrote? [Re: Al-David]
Al-David Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/29/12
Posts: 2455
Loc: Alabama, USA
Hello KJ,

Great song! My favorite part:

Troubles seem to find him
no matter which way he'd choose
But with a broken heart and broken dreams
there's not much left to lose

The entire lyric is terrific but those lines stuck out for me. That's some mighty fine writing.

I got back from Vietnam in August of 1967 (4th Infantry Division). I;m originally from St. Louis, MO. I had a little money in my pocket and was driving down St Charles Rock Road in suburban St. Louis and saw a 1957 Chevy convertible and drove off in it, leaving my 1952 Studebaker with the guy. I gave him $400.00 and the Studebaker. Pretty good deal! Wish I still had the '57. It would be worth well over $75,000.00. It was in perfect condition and had almost every open available. I did a lot of touring, too. Been to all but two states - never made it to Oregon or Hawaii. I figured either on the way to or o0n the way back from Vietnam I'd go through Hawaii. Nope - Alaska both times!

Sounds like you had a good time and wrote some good music. Thanks for checking in anjd letting us see that great lyric. Best to you,

Alan
_________________________
No one is perfect; do the best you can and be happy. (My grandfather, Carl Crouch)

Our Website: http://doubletrouble-music.wix.com/our-songs

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