Sounds like it is going to be a rocking good tune. I listen to both versions. Just a few random random comments
1.) You did all that on the keyboard? Although it sounds midi, it still sounds good and should give the band everything they need to learn it and do it live.
2.) There are a few places where you seemed to run out of space for the words. Just a little phrasing work is needed. Examples: "Is giving way to doubt", "And its got nowhere to land" -- I guess the last line of every verse.
3.) What age group is the band? The word "cabaret" seems a little dated to me.
4.) Nice "guitar" lead break.
5.) The overall energy feel is still on the low side, make sure the band really drives it.