i'll bet that those wonderful people in technical support can relate and even add to this list.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
****************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
****************************
This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Sure makes me feel better about my computer skills

This is generally regarded as the gold standard in tech calls.
Is it real? who knows.
Is it funny? you decide...
(apoligies if you've read it a hundred times before)

Tech Support Call
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power . . . a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Thanks for the laughs.

I have worked in IT help desk for years. These are not far from what really happens.

My favorite one is still the one who had a file on a floppy disc that would not open. I asked if she could send me a copy of the disc. Later that day in interoffice mail I got a sheet of paper where she had put the disc on a copier and made a "copy" of it.

Right behind that was the LAWYER (yes, a lawyer) who called the help desk because he couldn't get a fax to go. I went to his office and asked him to do exactly what he did when it failed. And I stood there and watched him hold his document up against his monitor and click a "send" button which did nothing more than launch his email client.

It is amazing the level of computer ignorance you see at a help desk. And it is usually the same people who get defensive when you try to teach them.

This one really happened, way back in time. A blonde yelled through an office -> "help!! I can't get the floppy disk into my computer anymore. It worked yesterday and the days before. Now, it just won't - I'm desperate!" So I walked over and asked her to put the floppy into the drive. She tried and lo and behold, the drive won't accept the floppy, making her yell: "you see??!!" I looked deep in her eyes and suggested: Ma'am, try turning the floppy around 180 degrees. She was so relieved ...

Re: Marc: I took that call about 15 years ago, but I couldn't tell the user they were too stupid. I was working as a medical transcriptionist on third shift for a company that did transcription for emergency rooms across the country.

For some reason our tech support, normally available 24/7, wasn't available. The shift supervisor called me into her office to walk a client through rebooting our onsite server, which was located in the client's ER. She had already tried and given up. Note that this was essential as this hospital processed all of their ER reports through our office. Neither of us could do business unless this PC was up.

It took half an hour. Most of it was spent getting the client to recognize the monitor and CPU. I started with a description of the "thing that looked like a TV set" and literally had this . . . person . . . trace the cables down to the "gray or beige box at the other end."

I could understand the difficulty once we actually got to the CPU as I didn't know exactly what it looked like and the power switch could have been in several places. I eventually got them to power the thing down, wait, and restart it with the desired results.

Even that long ago I don't recall meeting anyone who had apparently never seen a computer before. Remember, this person worked in a hospital and somehow knew enough to call us about the problem. If I had been on my own I might have hung up or cursed them out. All I could do, though, was get the job done while shaking my head and grinning at my supervisor, who couldn't believe it either.

I got told Monday the office backs up the server onto the thumbdrive every week so we don't have to worry about it crashing. This was after I suggested cloning the drive that is five years old and starting to show disk errors.
So I said OK, if it crashes we'll restore it from a 1 gig thumb drive .. five years of data. Some people should not be in control of systems. I really should email the owner.. but I'm tempted not to.

Hehe ... great thread!

I've been an IT-pro for 20 years and believe me I've seen and heard things along the way, that I wish I had written down as they occured, as that could make a great book, possibly even contribute with a little pension-boost.

One of my favorites is when I was assigned to upgrade an entire office from old dumb-terminal mainframe based equipment to a pc-based network solution (Novell Netware 3.12 anyone ? ;-). I immediately noticed this elderly, grumpy looking woman at the very back of the office - she was obviously NOT in favor of this change - so I approached her carefully, leaving her alone for the first couple of days, but finally I had to confront her. She then looked me in the eyes with a VERY firm expression on her face and confided, that she didn't wan't a pc because she had heard, that with a pc comes a mouse and she was VERY affraid of mice, so she wouldn't have any of it ;-)

I actually managed NOT to even smile and explained the whole thing calmly to her. She was releived and in the end we became great friends and she was one of the fastest in the office to adopt the new technology !

True story and fun to look back on :-)


Ole

My first medical transcription job (1996-1999) was on a system using DOS 6.21, Wordperfect 5.1, and Novell Netware 4.0(?). Does Banyan Vines mean anything to you? And no mice--everything was keyboard based.