Hi, all:

A little over two and a half years ago I worked up the courage to post an original song online for the first time, back when I really had no idea what I was doing (or at least far less of an idea than I have now, lol!). The song was "Lonely Tonight", and it was recorded in GarageBand, just me and my guitar on a single track over my laptop. I've always wanted to do a fuller version of the song, and now that I'm improving a bit on BIAB, I thought I'd give it a try. And so here's my BIAB version . . . as always appreciate the listen and feedback.

The original version is still posted on my SoundCloud page (though I'm not sure why I keep it up as poor a recording as it is) . . . but it's there if anyone has interest in hearing the original "acoustic" version. I don't want to link directly as it's not a BIAB produced song.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Here's the song:

Lonely Tonight

Here are the lyrics:

Soaring through her heavens,
held high by her hands—
when she let me go I didn’t know
just how hard it was to land.
Now I’m crawling from the wreckage,
having fallen from her heights;
it’s been so long, it’s been so long,
since she’s gone I’m half-alive.

And it’s so hard feeling like I do,
knowing she’s out in the blue
and I’m nowhere in her skies.
But if you’d say everything’s okay,
then I won’t be lonely tonight.

Wandering through these wastelands,
caught between the wind
and the endless swarms of thunderstorms
that keep me cowering.
And you’re here to offer refuge,
and you’re willing I can tell,
but it feels so wrong, it feels so wrong,
though I know you mean me well.

And it’s so hard feeling like I do,
knowing she’s my only truth;
the love I can’t deny.
But if you’d say everything’s okay,
then I won’t be lonely tonight.

Don’t know how I’d be much company—
not when my head’s against the wall.
Don’t know why you’d want to comfort me at all,
no, not at all.

And it’s so hard feeling like I do,
knowing you've lost someone too
doesn’t make it feel more right.
But if you’d say everything’s okay,
then I won’t be lonely tonight.
Yeah, I guess we won’t be lonely tonight.

And here's the band:

Drums: American Roots 18ths
Bass: Celtic Real RT 1162
12 String Guitar: Celtic Songwriter Quinn RT 3226
Guitar: Celtic Songwriter Quinn RT 3186
Guitar Fingerpick Songwriter 16th RT 2552
Guitar: Nylon, Background Folk 16ths RT 3115
Cello: Celtic Air, RT 3267
Strings: Celtic Air, RT 2457

(c)2019 DJ Lekich

Hi DJ:
This does sound really good.
A very nice melody.
T liked the way that you used the drums.
Nicely mixed

Terrific tune, I have some favorite lines, among them:

when she let me go I didn’t know
just how hard it was to land.

and

and the endless swarms of thunderstorms
that keep me cowering.


I did get a little confused who you were singing to but you cleared it up in the last stanza. I can't decide if it were better to learn that earlier in the song, or if it's a nice surprise as it is. Probably fine as is.

odd sound at the 8 sec mark - string noise or paper?
"the endless swarms of thunderstorms".
I think you did a fabulous job with a cool song - sounds a bit like something from Billy Joel's debut but with a Celtic subtlety rather than piano bombast.

Hello DJ,

That is a really nice song. Very good melody and strong/sensitive vocals that reminded me -in a way- of Jim Croce.
and I haven't mentioned your lyrics. They are very nice.
Nothing to whine about, it's just a very good, lovely song, but only a lonely night ahead...

Hans

Understated, SENSITIVE, absolutely STUNNING lyrics ... you don't ever do mediocre, do you? :-) I am trying to deliberately find fault (just so that I don't sound so blooming enthusiastic every single darn time! lol) and this is not the place to find it :-)

Lyrics carry a complex (at first, at least) but beautiful and, dare I say, vulnerable, sensitive message. Music is perfect for this - no pyrotechnics, no vocal gymnastics, just you and the band. And it's so, so subtle ... I had to listen four times before writing this, just to absorb and appreciate its "hidden corners" (so to speak) more - and I want to listen again. Argh! :-)

Like I said, you don't do mediocre. And you make it seem so easy, because nothing is strained or forced in any of your songs that I've heard so far - everything is just seemingly just flowing naturally. Superb job - bravo.

Well done - it has a really warm feeling to it, and the instruments all played off each other nicely. I liked the mix a lot too - really concise and professional.

Thanks for sharing

Hi DJ! Love your vocal sound and the lyrics on this one. The song overall has a nice folk rock kind of sound. Good mix and keep up the good work!

Great intro on this Deej! Very nice vocal...reminds me a lot of some of the great Jim Croce tunes! It's a really good ballad with very nice chord changes and melody! Thanks, Torrey

Deej,

A good song. A good arrangement. Good mix.

Another excellent vocal (nicely in-the-pocket in the mix).

I agree with Torrey...has a lot of the Croce sound and feel to it - which is nice to hear again...

fj

I love your voice. It kind of reminds me of Cat Stevens. Great song. Very good.

The lyrics are absolutely beautiful, and I think you captured a really lovely mood. Thanks for sharing!

Hi Deej56,

lovely song, very soulfully sung. Love the backing track, especially the intro was terrifuc.

Cheers,

Stefan

Yep, the Croce vibe is there for sure...but ultimately it's Deej -- a good thing in our book!

"Wandering through these wastelands,
caught between the wind
and the endless swarms of thunderstorms
that keep me cowering.
And you’re here to offer refuge,
and you’re willing I can tell,
but it feels so wrong, it feels so wrong,
though I know you mean me well."

Strong stuff happening there.

Love it all and especially your vocal which is both soulful and sincere.
Nice arrangement and mix also.

J&B

Superb vocals and an excellent song.

Sounds great, lovely mix and melody.

A really top notch production.

Peter

I really like the lyrical feel of this song...
It is a good write & production...
I also listened to the original...
And I must say the lyrical charm & delivery is there...
But I can tell you've come a long way technically...
Congratulations!
BTW...
I love your plaintive vocal on this number.

WOW what a great write! Your backing tracks are fantastic and your voice is outstanding. But man those lyrics took it over the top for me.

I agree with the Croce sound and feel.

Great song!

Deej,
A very good write ( really like the way you summed up the dilema on the chorus)and , no surprise, your voice cuts through the mix like a warm knife!
The melody rolls nicely and the folk rock backing a good fit.
I enjoyed your revisions and hearing that bittersweet tale again.

Robert

Marty, TuneMonger, rayc, Hans, James, Deryk, sslechta, Torrey, Floyd, Teletwanger, Ember, Stefan, J&B, Peter, Jim, Mario, and Robert:

Thanks so much for the listen and very kind feedback. It’s a song that I sometimes forget about, but always enjoy playing when I do . . . and I’m glad to that BIAB was able to help me do a little something more with it . . . and that it seemed to resonate so well. Again, much appreciated.

My best to each of you,

Deej

Hey Deej. Very nice tribute to true love lost. Lots of emotion in this song and your voice and excellent use of BiaB have captured the essence perfectly. Bravo!

Very nice...touching

Really cool song!! A pretty melody, strong write, and the vocal is killer...so passionate and authentic!! Really nice job on this Deej!! Take care. Greg

Marc, Jim and Greg,

Thanks much for stopping in and giving this one a spin! It's very much appreciated. Glad it was worth the listen!

My best to you all,

Deej

Hi Deej,

Wow this is great!

I've got it playing on repeat while I'm typing and it's pretty much impossible to type anything because I keep stopping to listen.

These lyrics are so incredibly potent that they radiate competence in every direction. What a great first verse! You had me from the very start and then when I head "swarms of thunderstorms", I had to stop and double-check that I heard correctly. That's such an amazing metaphor! Kudos to you for coming up with it. It's such a vivid image and says so much in so few words.

Everything about this is spectacular. Your singing is always a treat to listen to and these lyrics and this melody sit incredibly well with your vocals. Through your writing and your performing, you've captured the anguish of a broken heart so very, very well.

Stunning work.

All the best,
Noel

Hi Deej, Gotta say I absolutely love this song. It takes a true lyricist to use words like cowering, swarms and wreckage and not make them sound clumsy. While I'm on lyrics, I have one tiny niggle, but I have to offer it.
The line: "since she’s gone I’m half-alive." is written as a rhyme for 'having fallen from her heights' and it's the only line in the song that jars for me as it's the only one not a true rhyme.
Maybe something like "Since she's gone, the winter bites" or some such, There are many words that would work better.
Great emotion in the vocal too.
Keep 'em coming.

Very nice! Well written lyrics. You really captured the emotions of this song well. Great melody line, very fitting for the lyrics.

You are making great progress with BB.

Steve

Noel,

Such kind comments . . . thank you so much for listening . . . multiple times no less (sorry about that, LOL)! Really pleased you enjoyed the listen!

Regards,

Deej

Mr. Songman,

So glad you liked it . . . thanks for stopping in. Fair comment on the half-rhyme in the first verse, and my preference is always for a more perfect rhyme. But it was a trade off between that perfect rhyme and saying what I wanted to say . . . and the "half-alive" seemed most in line with what the singer is feeling . . . at least in my head. My hope is that the near rhyme is close enough, and early enough in the song, that it doesn't resonate too adversely. Definitely food for thought. Thanks much for offering up the feedback.

My best to you,

Deej

Thanks, Steve. It's baby steps with BIAB. Try to learn something new everyday, but learning enough to know how far I am way from all you superstars. Thanks for stopping in and giving this one a spin.

My best to you,

Deej

Hi Deej,

I hope you don't mind my jumping in again!

I've just read Songman's and your thoughts on rhyme. This is a topic that's very dear to me and, if it is ok with you, I'd like to share my perspective and add it to the mix (for what it's worth -- which isn't all that much right now since our Aussie dollar is not standing as tall and proud as it did a while ago). I hope you don't mind. Just let me know if you want me to delete this post and I will.


For better or worse, here are my thoughts...

I'm a huge subscriber to Pat Pattison's (link) approach to song- and lyric-writing. I've been to heaps of his weekend seminars over the years and every time, without exception, I come away both impressed and inspired. He's an amazing teacher.

As can be found in his books, Pat's approach to rhyming is driven primarily by the three following considerations...

(a) lyric acceleration and/or deceleration
(b) lyric and melodic closure
(c) boosting emotional content of lyric phrases -- this usually happens as a result of (a) and (b)

When it comes to creating a sense of closure for the listener, a perfect rhyme does it best. I'm guessing that this is why many of Shakespeare's long speeches end in rhyming couplets... they create a strong sense of completion.

A perfect rhyme has a sense of 'balance' about it and this 'balance' creates a sense of finality. This brings a sense of comfort to the brain.

Where things get very interesting, though, is with the imperfect rhymes. There are five of these (assonance, consonance, additive rhyme, subtractive rhyme, family rhyme - these are names that Pat gives them).

With the imperfect rhymes, there is a lack of the complete closure that accompanies perfect rhyme and this lack of closure creates a very slight sense of a 'lack of balance' in listeners' minds. This, in turn, induces emotion in the listener's mind. The end result is that if one wants to boost the emotional content of a lyric, imperfect rhymes are one of the lyricist's best tools for doing this. One of Pat's favourite sayings is that "Motion creates emotion".

To see this in action, have a look at verse 1 of Blowin' In The Wind written by Bob Dylan in 1962. For many, this song was definitive of its time.



DIRECT LINK
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ld6fAO4idaI

Here are the lyrics...



The first lot of rhymes are -- man / sand / banned (Group 1)

• As a test to confirm that these three rhymes are all necessary for lyric motion and that they support one another, try changing the two instances of 'man' in the first two lines to 'boy'. Now read verse 1 aloud. After doing this, it's easy to hear how the lyrics lose their flow. 'Man' rhyming with 'sand' is the better option for the lyrics. This is what Pat would call an additive rhyme.

The Group 2 rhymes that help drive this song are -- friend / wind and the repetition of 'wind'. Friend and wind are what Pat calls consonance rhymes (the 'nd' sound) and are the most unstable of all sonic relations.

• Try saying the whole verse out loud and stop at the end of the second last line (i.e. omit the final line). The verse still works because of the consonance rhyme however the last sentence is left hanging and there's a noticeable feeling of discomfort because of this lack of completion. This still supports the song's message, though. Repeating the "The answer is blowin' in the wind" brings about a sense of closure without overly reducing the effect of the consonance rhyme between friend and wind.
  
  More than that, though, this repetition reinforces all the questions that have been asked in verse 1 and the lack of complete closure that is created by the effect of consonance (friend / wind) is terrific at enhancing the reflective mood created by these questions. (In my opinion, at least.)

What is all the more amazing to me is that this emotional content is created by using a mixture of additive rhyme (man / sand), perfect rhyme (sand / banned), consonance (friend / wind) and repetition (wind / wind as well as 'How many' / 'How many' and 'the answer' / 'the answer'). These sonic relationships in conjunction with the use of questions make for a lyric journey of existentialism that overrides the feelings of happiness and buoyancy that a bright tempo and mostly major-chord-based accompaniment usually creates.

For me, this is immensely thoughtful, incredibly thought-provoking and very clever song- and lyric-writing by Bob Dylan. Time has not diminished the power and purpose that is inherent in this song.

Just my two cents worth!

Regards,
Noel

What a cool song! Everything works so well. Your delivery was fantastic!

Very nice tune and vocals.Very good choice of instruments.

Mike B.