Weekend Her Off My Mind

Posted by: floyd jane

Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 12:28 PM

Standard fare.


WEEKEND HER OFF MY MIND

monday i'm missing her
by tuesday i can barely stand the hurt
wednesday's soaked in sorry and sad
come thursday i'm nearly going mad
this heartache never takes a break
i know what it's gonna take
   
   i'm gonna weekend her off my mind
   friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind
   gonna hit the dance floor on saturday
   with every lovely thing that walks my way
   then sunday i'll pray to leave her memory behind
   i'm gonna weekend her off my mind

stumble my way through my daily grind
this broken heart working overtime
every minute of every day
wondering how i ever let her walk away
i'm drowning in regret
i need to find a way to forget
   
   i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...


The BAND:

RealTracks in song: 2260:Bass, Electric, FunkyGroove60s Ev 100
RealTracks in song: 1037:Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm NorthernRockBallad Ev 065
RealTracks in song: 1755:Mandolin, Rhythm Pop8ths Ev 110
RealTracks in song: 2691:Guitar, Electric, Soloist CountryBalladBrentSimple Ev 085
Royalty Free Loops

Me: lyric & music, vocals, acoustic guitar, banjo, arrangement, production, mixing, art work
Harmonies are a mix of me (2 tracks) and Helicon tracks generated in RealBand (one low, one high)


Any comments welcome.
Have at it.

fj
Posted by: Guitarhacker

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 12:47 PM

You're just a song writing machine. And they're all fairly good.... (wink) ... including this one.

Nice work. Mix sounds good on this computer too.
Posted by: PeterF

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 03:12 PM

floyd

Always enjoy your "standard fare".

Lovely memorable chorus, and lyric. Superb vocal as always, and thoughtful use of the backing, including the restrained guitar solo.

Enjoyed it all.

Peter
Posted by: Will Josef

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 04:05 PM

You are so productive and you are always delivering quality stuff. I enjoyed this song a lot.

Are you always singing about the same woman? Or are there several you let walk away? smile

Mix and overall production is great as always!

Thanks for sharing!
Will
Posted by: Deej56

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 06:09 PM

Floyd,

You say “standard fare” but that undersells what you do. Great write married to excellent vocal and production. Anything but standard this. Love that mandolin in the verses; really sets a nice base to the rhythm.

I’ve been seeing references to Helicon tracks on the board lately—not sure what they are, but if used to generate the harmonies they do an awful nice job. Nice touch mixing them in.

Real nice country. Enjoyed it!

All my best,

Deej
Posted by: CaptainMoto

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 06:37 PM

Another WInner!!

Excellent song.
Always enjoy your work.
Some fancy work around the fret board there..........love it.
This one has the makings of a big hit.

moto
Posted by: Scott C

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 07:10 PM

Excellent tune Floyd. Got a chuckle out of the title. Had to think about it for a second lol. Very cool vocal and lyric. As always perfect production. Well done
Posted by: jptjptjpt

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 08:07 PM

Another outstanding offer. Great hook line. Good country song titles (at least the classic variety like this) are a bit of word games. This one nailed it. Great instrumentation. Lyrics told the story well. Excellent country vocals. No nits here. Nice work.
Posted by: Leon1

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 10:49 PM

Hi Floyd
If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree. Top quality as usual.
Regards,
Leon
Posted by: TuneMonger

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/21/20 11:16 PM

How did you get that pizzicato sounding rhythm that starts the tune off? Was that a loop? Whatever it was, I loved that. I actually opened up BIAB and checked RT 1755 mandolin to see if that was it and I don't think so? Anyway, another of your terrific sessions done so effortlessly, high quality work as always. Great lyrics.
Posted by: rayc

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 04:09 AM

That's one well textured arrangement.
Jim Beam as a verb is new to me but an instance communication too.
Lovely melody, lovely vocal performance...standard fare when standard is a rare and joyous thing perhaps.
Posted by: Al-David

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 04:23 AM

Hi Floyd ...

Well, it might be "standard fare" for you. For the rest of us, it would be like hitting a game-winning home run in the bottom of the 9th with two out. Can't say that I've ever come across "weekend" as a verb ... nice call!

Love the mandolin track ... it seems to energize everything else and give it all a path to follow. Your mixes are always spot on, great "bands", super arrangements, and fantastic delivery. The only thing I don't like about it is that I didn't write it.

Not only are your vocals excellent ... they're also very distinctive and have your personal trademark all over them. After but a word or two, there's no doubt who's singing. You do, indeed, set the bar for the rest of us.

Take care and be safe ...

Alan
Posted by: BlueAttitude

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 07:05 AM

Man, I just love listening to your mixes! Just a pleasure through both the 'phones and the KRK's.

Drums sounds great, loops I guess, heck, everything sounds great.

I like the "weekend her off my mind" concept, especially liked the "friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind" line.
Been there, done that, and for the same reason. Not recently mind you eek

Good one floyd, as per usual. Enjoyed several listens.
Posted by: Deryk - PG Music

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 07:41 AM

Dang - fantastic work here - as it has been mentioned, you knocked it outta the park with the mix. Loved the vocals and the instrumentation is on point. Wouldn't change a thing! Thanks for sharing smile
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 07:48 AM

Originally Posted By: Guitarhacker
You're just a song writing machine. And they're all fairly good.... (wink) ... including this one.

Nice work. Mix sounds good on this computer too.


Thanks, Herb.


Originally Posted By: PeterF
floyd

Always enjoy your "standard fare".

Lovely memorable chorus, and lyric. Superb vocal as always, and thoughtful use of the backing, including the restrained guitar solo.

Enjoyed it all.

Peter


Thanks for the comments, Peter. BIAB almost always impresses me with its choices of solo guitars. Having done 200+ productions there has only been a handful of times that I could not find something that I thought fit and worked well...
Posted by: Robertkc

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 09:54 AM

Floyd,
Simply superb arrangement and production of a good , nicely quirky write.
Listening to verse 1, I thought " oh,its a list song", but you got the days of the week done and really floored me with that Jim Beam line.
Your vocals are a textbook example of good performance captured, professionally processed and tastefully harmonised.
Excellent!

Robert
Posted by: Bawb

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 10:25 AM

Hi Floyd,

Wow, this is such a catchy and appealing sounding song. The cadence at first reminds me of Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Passionate Kisses".

The instruments all flow and blend seamlessly. Good write , consummate professional vocals and harmonies.

If you plan on making another CD to sell on Amazon, I would highly recommend you ad this song to your playlist!
Posted by: musiclover

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/22/20 10:41 AM

Hello Floyd,

What more can be said here, you just keep churning them out each as good if not better than the last.

When listening I just hear little things that add to your song, which makes it sound such a pro production.

A good write and production.

No doubt your next one will be just as good as well smile
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/23/20 04:44 AM

Originally Posted By: Will Josef
You are so productive and you are always delivering quality stuff. I enjoyed this song a lot.

Are you always singing about the same woman? Or are there several you let walk away? smile

Mix and overall production is great as always!

Thanks for sharing!
Will



Thanks, Will. "the same woman?" HA! No. Trying to sing about all of 'em... smile


Originally Posted By: Deej56
Floyd,

You say “standard fare” but that undersells what you do. Great write married to excellent vocal and production. Anything but standard this. Love that mandolin in the verses; really sets a nice base to the rhythm.

I’ve been seeing references to Helicon tracks on the board lately—not sure what they are, but if used to generate the harmonies they do an awful nice job. Nice touch mixing them in.

Real nice country. Enjoyed it!

All my best,

Deej


Thanks, Deej. The "Helicon tracks" are harmonies generated by the TC Helicon harmony plugin that comes with BIAB. It is easiest to do that by opening RealBand and loading your SGU and your vocal (typically out of your DAW where it is recorded) and have the plugin create the harmony track based on "follow the chord". There are several different combinations. I find the the 1 UP and 1 DOWN work for me (but you still have to use them judiciously to get them to "sound real"). I wrote up a full instruction at one point (in Tips, maybe. I think Noel wrote one up, too)
Posted by: Birchwood

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/23/20 05:18 AM

Hi Floyd,

I liked those choruses a lot!
The song is very cool, powerful but also sensitive.
All instruments sound so very bright, as if you're standing next to them.
But that's always the case in your songs. Constant quality!
I envy that a little, but it's also good to realize it is achievable without jumping into expensive studios.

Have a nice day,
Hans
Posted by: Crossroads

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/23/20 05:27 AM

Hi Floyd,

you did it again: I'm sure I'm gonna hum that chorus at least until bedtime today... An excelent song (what else would we have expected?), I really love the lyrics (although I personally would stop jimbeaming prior to blindness, but I got the picture). Great voice, great singing - loved the listen a lot.

Stay well,

Stefan
Posted by: Janice & Bud

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/23/20 02:48 PM

"If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree."

Leon nailed that!

This is exponentially the best song we've ever heard that mentioned Jim Beam smile

Jim oughta be mighty proud to be part of such a great write.

We hear a wonderful mashup of a bit of an old school country write (albeit it better by far than the standard fare of the period) with a more modern sound in the backing tracks.

We weren't halfway through the first listen before Janice commented on how much she always loves your vocals and then proceeded to school me on how you phrased
"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind." Perfect as she said.

The band? Wow! Great use of BiaB, loops and your contributions. Seamless, airy and on the KRKs.

And we love the artwork!

J&B
Posted by: musician17

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/24/20 02:32 AM

Ok, this ain't fair. How do you do it? Why can't *I* write half like that? Ok, sir ... what's your secret? I'll pay you for it if you're willing to disclose :-)

Seriously, though ... hats off. What an effort. If this is your "standard fare", we (all of us other songwriters) are all doomed ... :-)

Bravo.
Posted by: BabuMusic

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/24/20 06:17 AM

"Standard fare." Hahahaha. Oxford dictionary says: "standard: noun 1. a level of quality or attainment." Floyd, if you are the standard, that's just not fair, man. Right from the germ of an idea you raise the standard. "Weekend her off my mind." "Jim Beam till I'm blind." Oh, yeah... from a previous comment of mine on your posts, ditto.
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/24/20 01:09 PM

Originally Posted By: CaptainMoto
Another WInner!!

Excellent song.
Always enjoy your work.
Some fancy work around the fret board there..........love it.
This one has the makings of a big hit.

moto


Thanks, moto!!


Originally Posted By: Scott C
Excellent tune Floyd. Got a chuckle out of the title. Had to think about it for a second lol. Very cool vocal and lyric. As always perfect production. Well done


Thanks, Scott...


Originally Posted By: jptjptjpt
Another outstanding offer. Great hook line. Good country song titles (at least the classic variety like this) are a bit of word games. This one nailed it. Great instrumentation. Lyrics told the story well. Excellent country vocals. No nits here. Nice work.


jpt3 - thanks for the nice comments...
Posted by: Charlie Fogle

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 04:38 AM

Hey Floyd, I posted my thoughts earlier and promptly deleted them because I felt some may find the post overbearing and offensive. In my deleted post I stated, yes, this is a great song, expertly produced and performed but I went against the grain of every other post and expressed that I think lyrically the song got off to a great and strong start through the first verse and chorus but faltered at the second verse. The first verse and chorus lines were catchy, had the hook and have been quoted and pointed out for clever use. I felt you struggled with the second verse, loss a bit of focus, repeated the same ideas of the first verse and chorus in a more cliched way. In my post, I said the second verse felt to me, orphaned from the song. Dynamically, the storyline deflated rather than build. Maybe you'd like to expand on how you lyrically developed this song.
Posted by: mkg50 (Mike G)

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 04:53 AM

Floyd, you keep producing great song after great song. But it's not just your songwriting; your vocals are always first class. Also, the mixing/mastering of your songs is something to aspire to (though I find the standard of your production equal parts intimidating and inspiring.
Cheers,
Mike
Posted by: ROG

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 06:38 AM

Hi Floyd,

Seems everyone has picked up on "Standard Fare" so I won't mention that.

You're gradually getting me listening to more country these days and I can
still be a bit picky about what I like, but I DID like this one.
It was the lift into the chorus which sold it to me - loved that.
Hey, I looked down the list of RTs and saw a Brent solo, so I knew that
I was in for a treat, thank you. (Could have been longer?)

Great vocals and mix as usual - played it nice and LOUD on the big speakers
and it hung together beautifully.

Cheers,
ROG.
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 07:51 AM

Before going further, I would like to address Charlie's comments.


Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
Hey Floyd, I posted my thoughts earlier and promptly deleted them because I felt some may find the post overbearing and offensive. In my deleted post I stated, yes, this is a great song, expertly produced and performed but I went against the grain of every other post and expressed that I think lyrically the song got off to a great and strong start through the first verse and chorus but faltered at the second verse. The first verse and chorus lines were catchy, had the hook and have been quoted and pointed out for clever use. I felt you struggled with the second verse, loss a bit of focus, repeated the same ideas of the first verse and chorus in a more cliched way. In my post, I said the second verse felt to me, orphaned from the song. Dynamically, the storyline deflated rather than build. Maybe you'd like to expand on how you lyrically developed this song.



And here is what Charlie wrote earlier and deleted (re-posted with his permission)


Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
Writing "You never even called me by my name", Steve Goodman thought he'd written the perfect country song until David Allen Coe pointed out all the 'country' standard fare Steve had left out of the song prompting Steve to rewrite the song adding another verse and achieve success in writing the perfect country song.

If I may take the roll of David Allen Coe for a moment. You did the opposite from Steve. You've written such a strong first verse and chorus that you've orphaned the second verse from the rest of the song.

By the time we get to the second verse we already know that you stumble your way through your daily grind. That your broken heart is working overtime. That every minute of every day, you wonder how you ever let her walk away. That you're drowning in regret and you need to find a way to forget.

The storyline doesn't build. It deflates. Reading through the comments, I didn't see a single lyrical reference to the second verse... It was all said and done in the first verse and chorus.

Like Steve Goodman, you've written a great song but maybe a few tweaks are needed to take this one over the top.



I can understand the thought/perception that the 2nd verse is a "let down" to some degree.
A valid point to at least express....

I don't fully agree with your assessment that:
"By the time we get to the second verse we already know that you stumble your way through your daily grind. That your broken heart is working overtime. That every minute of every day, you wonder how you ever let her walk away. That you're drowning in regret and you need to find a way to forget..."

The setup of the song is dependent on the day list.

One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. I have done that on more than one occasion (often, in fact).


In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus.

So after "the list", I chose to present the week as a whole (and the weeks to come) in the second verse.
The main goal must be to have a legitimate path back to the chorus.
Certainly, that should not be a rehash of verse 1.
The 1st verse was an intial realization (of a "new" heartbreak)
The details of the 2nd verse were intended to be a bit deeper into the longer-term-lasting-effects of that hearbreak. A summation. Perhaps a resignation to an enduring pain (as opposed to the inital immediate pain/shock).
I am comfortable (and satisfied) with that. I think the "summation" verse is a valid writing tool when it is the strongest option available (which, for me, in this case, it was)


As Steve told the story of You Never Even Called Me By My Name, Coe told him specifically WHAT he left out - not just that "something was left out".

With that in mind...

I would be really interested in any suggestion you (or anyone else) might have for what a 2nd verse should look like.
Hopefully, I am not coming off as defensive here - because I REALLY am interested.
If you (or anyone else) presents a better 2nd verse, I will record it in place of the current verse and give you co-writing credit and re-post the song.
You could even put it in the Songwriting forum as a "writing challenge" if you want.

(And, for the record... no one should ever feel like they cannot express their opinion in a thread I post. I know - I certainly get the impression - that there are those who think I point out mixing aspects that they would leave "unsaid". They are opinions. I try to be respectful. Everyone doesn't have to agree - and often do not. They are, after all...opinions.)
Posted by: Derochette

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 02:02 PM

Hello floyd jane,

Superb composition. Your voice and your words are in perfect harmony. The mix is ​​impeccable. I really enjoyed it. I don't know all your songs but frankly I enjoyed this one.

Kindly regard

Dero13
alias JaniJackFlash
Posted by: dani48

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/25/20 02:11 PM

Hi, Floyd !

This is your best so far !
I just love your vocals so
much !

Great song in every aspect !

Cheers
Dani
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/26/20 02:17 AM

Originally Posted By: Leon1
Hi Floyd
If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree. Top quality as usual.
Regards,
Leon


smile

Thanks, Leon!


Originally Posted By: TuneMonger
How did you get that pizzicato sounding rhythm that starts the tune off? Was that a loop? Whatever it was, I loved that. I actually opened up BIAB and checked RT 1755 mandolin to see if that was it and I don't think so? Anyway, another of your terrific sessions done so effortlessly, high quality work as always. Great lyrics.


TM - the opening mandolin is a simple loop along with an acoustic guitar "chunking" that I recorded (with my banjo coming in a bit later). The RT mandolin is filling out the choruses. Thanks for the listen and comments...
Posted by: Rustyspoon#

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/26/20 01:07 PM

FJ,
Nice Modern Country tune. Classic FJ. Like your phrasing on this! Overall instruments/vocals exceptionally well timed & matched. Vocals are A+. Mandolin was an excellent choice. Enjoyed my listen and thank you for sharing.

Misha.
Posted by: EdZ314

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/26/20 02:40 PM

This is a strong one Floyd. That chorus is really sweet. Your facility with lyrics is really impressive, and this line was a classic:

"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind
friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind"

Here's an idea - your next album title is:
"Floyd Jane / Standard Fare"

Just kidding smile Great stuff - keep 'em rollin'!
Posted by: Rob Helms

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/26/20 04:45 PM

Floyd I am and have been a fan. Thanks again for a great tune to listen to.
Posted by: dcuny

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/26/20 11:47 PM

Well, since everything useful has been said, (and I agree with) I'll take a stab at a rewrite.

Not because I think I can do better, but... I can't resist the challenge. laugh

But first, it was great being able to get "behind the scenes", so to speak, on the songwriting in your response to Charlie.

The second verse feels like a bridge to me. I agree, it does everything it needs to do, and for what the song aims to be, it's works perfectly well. But perhaps verse two could do something else?

You've already used the list in the first verse to go through the days of the week, and the chorus to hit the weekend.

One option would be to take another swing at the weekdays again. This seems weak, because it can sound like it's just repeating the same thoughts as verse one all over again. So it's got to be different somehow to make it work.

Maybe rhyming the weekdays to keep it subtle (yes, I'm just repeating the first verse here, to see what happens):

one day i won't be missing her
look to the day that it will no longer hurt
when i say i'm not sorry or sad
there's a way i can stop from going mad


Urf. That didn't really work, did it? Not clever enough by half, and it's another list (in that it echoes verse one).

How about what she's been up to during the week? Completely ignoring the established meter:

monday i found she had unfriended me
on tuesday her friend stopped by to give me back my keys
wednesday i tried calling but her new number's unlisted
thursday she serves me papers that say i'm ceased and desisted


It doesn't tonally match, because it's way over the top. Instead of building on the misery, it's completely unbelievable.

Which, some people might say, makes it a poor solution.

Those people are the "no fun" people at parties. wink

OK, one more crack at the "days of the week" approach, even though I know it's going to end badly.

last monday i was kissing her
then tuesday she walked away
...


Urgh. Nothing clever, just the same old cliche.

That's all I've got. laugh
Posted by: Charlie Fogle

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/27/20 05:51 AM

"One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus."

There's always a place for a song to go. I see four paths.

. Leave verse two 'as is', it's there and I'm the only voice with a nit. It obviously works as intended.
. My first thought about verse two was the same as David's, make it a bridge - Verse 1, Chorus, instrumental, bridge and final chorus. As a bridge, change the chord progression, feel, or even the tempo.
. Reverse the verses but add the days again - I agree with you and David here. It's a weak path that doesn't build the song but it's a logical path because one has a bad day that turns into a bad week, that becomes bad weeks, months, years and sometimes forever. A bad day is never forever.
. "How about what she's been up to during the week? " If a rewrite is in order, this is the one. Two good ways to do it.
- A. Continue in the first person but develop what you hear about how she's taking the breakup.
- B. Rewrite verse two from her perspective, having 'her' describe her first week in days the same as your verse one perspective - Enlist Janice - develop the song as a duet similar to Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock's "The Picture".

<< Monday -stumble through my daily grind
<< Tuesday, this broken heart working overtime
<< Wednesday, he's on my mind throughout the day
<< Thursday, wondering why i let him walk away
<< This heartache never takes a break
<< I know just what it takes
Posted by: Greg Johnson

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/27/20 05:06 PM

In a word.........PERFECT!!!! Catchy, clever, with a grab you by the heart kind of appeal!! I've said it before with a few FJ songs, but if I were teaching a class in songwriting, this would be one to study! Everything placed just right!! I've never heard that phrase so I'm guessing my buddy Floyd created it but it could become a standard phrase. Behind Floyd's center field fence, there are so many balls you couldn't even walk through!! BRAVO my friend!!!! Take care. Greg
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/28/20 07:53 AM

Originally Posted By: dcuny
Well, since everything useful has been said, (and I agree with) I'll take a stab at a rewrite.

Not because I think I can do better, but... I can't resist the challenge. laugh

But first, it was great being able to get "behind the scenes", so to speak, on the songwriting in your response to Charlie.

The second verse feels like a bridge to me. I agree, it does everything it needs to do, and for what the song aims to be, it's works perfectly well. But perhaps verse two could do something else?

You've already used the list in the first verse to go through the days of the week, and the chorus to hit the weekend.

One option would be to take another swing at the weekdays again. This seems weak, because it can sound like it's just repeating the same thoughts as verse one all over again. So it's got to be different somehow to make it work.

Maybe rhyming the weekdays to keep it subtle (yes, I'm just repeating the first verse here, to see what happens):

one day i won't be missing her
look to the day that it will no longer hurt
when i say i'm not sorry or sad
there's a way i can stop from going mad


Urf. That didn't really work, did it? Not clever enough by half, and it's another list (in that it echoes verse one).

How about what she's been up to during the week? Completely ignoring the established meter:

monday i found she had unfriended me
on tuesday her friend stopped by to give me back my keys
wednesday i tried calling but her new number's unlisted
thursday she serves me papers that say i'm ceased and desisted


It doesn't tonally match, because it's way over the top. Instead of building on the misery, it's completely unbelievable.

Which, some people might say, makes it a poor solution.

Those people are the "no fun" people at parties. wink

OK, one more crack at the "days of the week" approach, even though I know it's going to end badly.

last monday i was kissing her
then tuesday she walked away
...


Urgh. Nothing clever, just the same old cliche.

That's all I've got. laugh



Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle
"One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus."

There's always a place for a song to go. I see four paths.

. Leave verse two 'as is', it's there and I'm the only voice with a nit. It obviously works as intended.
. My first thought about verse two was the same as David's, make it a bridge - Verse 1, Chorus, instrumental, bridge and final chorus. As a bridge, change the chord progression, feel, or even the tempo.
. Reverse the verses but add the days again - I agree with you and David here. It's a weak path that doesn't build the song but it's a logical path because one has a bad day that turns into a bad week, that becomes bad weeks, months, years and sometimes forever. A bad day is never forever.
. "How about what she's been up to during the week? " If a rewrite is in order, this is the one. Two good ways to do it.
- A. Continue in the first person but develop what you hear about how she's taking the breakup.
- B. Rewrite verse two from her perspective, having 'her' describe her first week in days the same as your verse one perspective - Enlist Janice - develop the song as a duet similar to Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock's "The Picture".

<< Monday -stumble through my daily grind
<< Tuesday, this broken heart working overtime
<< Wednesday, he's on my mind throughout the day
<< Thursday, wondering why i let him walk away
<< This heartache never takes a break
<< I know just what it takes



It seems to me that David "answered his own question"...

Writing about what "she" has been doing could work.
However, doing it by listing the days again (in my opinion) would make the song "cheesy" sounding. I fact anything that listed the days again would do that. But you might be able to do it without listing days.

Turning it into a duet is really "something else", and therefore, not addressing the "issue" (if there is one). And, again, (in my opinion) with the following the "list the days" thing, you end up with something "a little too cute" for my tastes. Donnie and Marie territory... And she would have to be singing the same chorus which would bring up the question of "why don't they just get back together?"

I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse.
(not just ideas of what might work...)
It's just 6 short lines.
How hard can it be?

smile
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/28/20 08:01 AM

Originally Posted By: rayc
That's one well textured arrangement.
Jim Beam as a verb is new to me but an instance communication too.
Lovely melody, lovely vocal performance...standard fare when standard is a rare and joyous thing perhaps.


Thanks, ray. I always look forward to what you have to say about a song...


Originally Posted By: Al-David
Hi Floyd ...

Well, it might be "standard fare" for you. For the rest of us, it would be like hitting a game-winning home run in the bottom of the 9th with two out. Can't say that I've ever come across "weekend" as a verb ... nice call!

Love the mandolin track ... it seems to energize everything else and give it all a path to follow. Your mixes are always spot on, great "bands", super arrangements, and fantastic delivery. The only thing I don't like about it is that I didn't write it.

Not only are your vocals excellent ... they're also very distinctive and have your personal trademark all over them. After but a word or two, there's no doubt who's singing. You do, indeed, set the bar for the rest of us.

Take care and be safe ...

Alan


Alan - thanks for the fine review... It is nice that we have this audience of friends to get a few listens and a few comments - and sometimes a few suggestions... What a great forum!
Posted by: Charlie Fogle

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/28/20 09:49 AM

<< I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse.
(not just ideas of what might work...)
It's just 6 short lines.
How hard can it be? >>


How about impossible?


Being cute... using your words...

my world is a sad song that can't hurt any worse
I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse
not just ideas that will work to erase her memory
I need just 6 short lines. How hard can it be
to end this heartache that never takes a break
I'll keep doing just what it takes

i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...


or to seriously walk into the trap.... Let the 2nd verse tell how it was you screwed up the relationship so irretrievably.

I'd spoken the words I knew I had to say to her
about the love I'd shared with another girl
She couldn't understand because she'd always been true and mine
I could only watch her walk away and really leave this time
a year of weeks won't ease my broken heart working overtime
drowning in regret and needing a way to forget

i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...
Posted by: MarioD

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/28/20 12:59 PM

Floyd, you have had many winners but this may be your best to date.
Posted by: dcuny

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/28/20 10:44 PM

Back for another try. I figured that I'd include the failed ideas, because I figured I'd show exactly how hard six little lines could be! smirk

First, I tried to come up with ideas of what the chorus could be about. No point in rhyming it out if the idea was too weak.

1. Adding a bit of history - how his weekends used to be:

"I used to look forward to the weekend,
Spending time just her and me
Now I can't stand the thought of being alone without her"


This didn't seem at all different than what you already wrote, and really didn't move the story forward.

2. Contrast "sober" vs. "stone cold drunk":

"I've got to stay sober to keep my job
It kills me to remember what i've thrown away
Come the weekend, I'll wrap myself in a drunken haze"


Again, not really bringing anything new to the story.

3. Contrast how he's doing with how she's doing:

"She's got her friends with their glasses of wine
They've helped her to move on
I've got nothing but empty rooms
and my bottle of cheap booze"


The idea seems worth exploring: she's social, and has her safety net of friends to fall back on, while he's a loner with nothing but a bottle. The contrast of her sharing a drink with friends while he's drinking alone is appealing. But the chorus is about use drinking as a means of forgetting. So it's not that great a fit with this song.

4. The "time" element - short term vs. long term:

"Time might mend a broken heart
But I can't see that far ahead
I can barely make it to the weekend"


Well, at least it attempts to lead to the idea of the weekend. But it doesn't do anything to justify the song's chorus. And it's too cerebral, instead of emotional.

5. Drinking is a sin:

"Preacher came by to tell me the error of my ways
When I was with her I was in Heaven
Now I'm on the path to Hell'
But I don't care, I'm gonna..."


I sort of like this, but it's already been established in the prior line that Sunday wasn't spent in church. So unless the local preacher makes house calls, it's a bit jarring. Still, it's got some promise.

6. A bit a pathos:

"Too late to show her I love her
Now what'll I do with this diamond ring?"


I like the idea of of the engagement ring he never gave her, maybe because he waiting a bit too long. But does it support the chorus? Not really.

7. Ironic self awareness:

"Cut my face but I keep shaving
Watch the water spin down the drain
Seems some kind of metaphor
For a Country song's refrain
Slick my hair back and I'm ready
To wipe her from my brain"


I think this is a bit closer to what I'm aiming for. At least, it tries to add new detail and transition to the chorus at the end of the verse. On the downside, it is a completely different voice.

8. Stoic acceptance the relationship is over:

It's over, yeah I understand
Gotta cut my losses, and change the plan
Nothing I do, nothing I say
Will bring her back now that she's walked away
There's only one way that I can see
to stop the memory of her from killing me


I initially had the line "take it like a man", but I think "change of plan" supports the theme of the chorus better.

And yes, in your rhyme scheme, the inner rhyme falls on the second to last line, not the final line.

This is the best I could come up with. Not that it's better than your verse, just the best I could come up with. wink
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/29/20 07:33 AM

Originally Posted By: Charlie Fogle

I'd spoken the words I knew I had to say to her
about the love I'd shared with another girl
She couldn't understand because she'd always been true and mine
I could only watch her walk away and really leave this time
a year of weeks won't ease my broken heart working overtime
drowning in regret and needing a way to forget

i'm gonna weekend her off my mind...



I'm not keen on the idea of adding a "I cheated on her" element.
It put the singer in too bad a light - (always an unforgivable sin in Nashville).
Not to mention (mention it anyway) there are far too many words there to fit the melody and have any chance of it "singing" (which is AS IMPORTANT as saying what you want to say).



Originally Posted By: dcuny


1...
This didn't seem at all different than what you already wrote, and really didn't move the story forward.

2...
Again, not really bringing anything new to the story.

3...
So it's not that great a fit with this song.

4...
...it doesn't do anything to justify the song's chorus. And it's too cerebral, instead of emotional.

5... Drinking is a sin:

(This idea pretty much kills the Chorus idea)

6....
But does it support the chorus? Not really.

7...
On the downside, it is a completely different voice.

8...
Not that it's better than your verse, just the best I could come up with. wink



... but thanks for playing our game!

smile
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/29/20 07:36 AM

Originally Posted By: BlueAttitude
Man, I just love listening to your mixes! Just a pleasure through both the 'phones and the KRK's.

Drums sounds great, loops I guess, heck, everything sounds great.

I like the "weekend her off my mind" concept, especially liked the "friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind" line.
Been there, done that, and for the same reason. Not recently mind you eek

Good one floyd, as per usual. Enjoyed several listens.


Thanks, Dave. (I always enjoy you mixes, too!)


Originally Posted By: Deryk - PG Music
Dang - fantastic work here - as it has been mentioned, you knocked it outta the park with the mix. Loved the vocals and the instrumentation is on point. Wouldn't change a thing! Thanks for sharing smile


Deryk - it is always nice to have you stop by...



Originally Posted By: Robertkc
Floyd,
Simply superb arrangement and production of a good , nicely quirky write.
Listening to verse 1, I thought " oh,its a list song", but you got the days of the week done and really floored me with that Jim Beam line.
Your vocals are a textbook example of good performance captured, professionally processed and tastefully harmonised.
Excellent!

Robert


Robert - thanks for that very nice review....


Originally Posted By: Bawb
Hi Floyd,

Wow, this is such a catchy and appealing sounding song. The cadence at first reminds me of Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Passionate Kisses".

The instruments all flow and blend seamlessly. Good write , consummate professional vocals and harmonies.

If you plan on making another CD to sell on Amazon, I would highly recommend you ad this song to your playlist!


Bawb - thanks for all of that!!
Posted by: Ezekiel's Storm

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/29/20 04:19 PM

Floyd,

This song is so dang lyrically clever especially the first verse and the chorus. The chorus knocks my socks off...love that chorus!
Posted by: Charlie Fogle

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/30/20 05:25 AM

<< It put the singer in too bad a light - (always an unforgivable sin in Nashville).>>

Love this remark because isn't it always the new artist or song committing the 'unforgivable sin in Nashville' that turns Nashville on its head and into a new direction?

To be fair, I knew from the beginning that my thoughts were a minority view and deleted it... You've been more than fair to allow my comments to be openly discussed and I acquiesce to the Forum group to overall, this is a good song... as I stated even in my deleted post...
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/30/20 07:17 AM

Originally Posted By: musiclover
Hello Floyd,

What more can be said here, you just keep churning them out each as good if not better than the last.

When listening I just hear little things that add to your song, which makes it sound such a pro production.

A good write and production.

No doubt your next one will be just as good as well smile


Thanks, musiclover!


Originally Posted By: Birchwood
Hi Floyd,

I liked those choruses a lot!
The song is very cool, powerful but also sensitive.
All instruments sound so very bright, as if you're standing next to them.
But that's always the case in your songs. Constant quality!
I envy that a little, but it's also good to realize it is achievable without jumping into expensive studios.

Have a nice day,
Hans



Thanks, Hans!!
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 10/31/20 06:55 AM

Originally Posted By: Crossroads
Hi Floyd,

you did it again: I'm sure I'm gonna hum that chorus at least until bedtime today... An excelent song (what else would we have expected?), I really love the lyrics (although I personally would stop jimbeaming prior to blindness, but I got the picture). Great voice, great singing - loved the listen a lot.

Stay well,

Stefan



Thanks, Stefan. Good to see you back around... yeah, that jimbeaning thing is not advisable...


Originally Posted By: Janice & Bud
"If by 'standard fare' you mean good enough to become a standard, than I agree."

Leon nailed that!

This is exponentially the best song we've ever heard that mentioned Jim Beam smile

Jim oughta be mighty proud to be part of such a great write.

We hear a wonderful mashup of a bit of an old school country write (albeit it better by far than the standard fare of the period) with a more modern sound in the backing tracks.

We weren't halfway through the first listen before Janice commented on how much she always loves your vocals and then proceeded to school me on how you phrased
"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind." Perfect as she said.

The band? Wow! Great use of BiaB, loops and your contributions. Seamless, airy and on the KRKs.

And we love the artwork!

J&B


Thanks for all the great comments, y'all! Nice to have each of those things recognized...
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/01/20 07:15 AM

Originally Posted By: musician17
Ok, this ain't fair. How do you do it? Why can't *I* write half like that? Ok, sir ... what's your secret? I'll pay you for it if you're willing to disclose :-)

Seriously, though ... hats off. What an effort. If this is your "standard fare", we (all of us other songwriters) are all doomed ... :-)

Bravo.


Thanks, James!


Originally Posted By: BabuMusic
"Standard fare." Hahahaha. Oxford dictionary says: "standard: noun 1. a level of quality or attainment." Floyd, if you are the standard, that's just not fair, man. Right from the germ of an idea you raise the standard. "Weekend her off my mind." "Jim Beam till I'm blind." Oh, yeah... from a previous comment of mine on your posts, ditto.


smile

Thanks, Marty...
Posted by: David Snyder

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/01/20 01:28 PM


Great song man. May be standard fare, but your standard fare is always a cut above!

smile

Hope you are great dude!
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/02/20 06:25 AM

Originally Posted By: mkg50 (Mike G)
Floyd, you keep producing great song after great song. But it's not just your songwriting; your vocals are always first class. Also, the mixing/mastering of your songs is something to aspire to (though I find the standard of your production equal parts intimidating and inspiring.
Cheers,
Mike


Thanks for the nice comments, Mike. If it's any consolation...you skills making instrumentals intimidate me!! smile


Originally Posted By: ROG
Hi Floyd,

Seems everyone has picked up on "Standard Fare" so I won't mention that.

You're gradually getting me listening to more country these days and I can
still be a bit picky about what I like, but I DID like this one.
It was the lift into the chorus which sold it to me - loved that.
Hey, I looked down the list of RTs and saw a Brent solo, so I knew that
I was in for a treat, thank you. (Could have been longer?)

Great vocals and mix as usual - played it nice and LOUD on the big speakers
and it hung together beautifully.

Cheers,
ROG.


Thanks, ROG. I always enjoy hearing your thoughts on how these turn out... I'm actually listening to more stuff outside of Country these days, so I guess we are BOTH "growing"
smile smile
Posted by: Torrey Bliss

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/02/20 04:07 PM

Floyd, I love the delicate nature of the backing instruments in this! It really gives this a beautiful texture! Your lead vocals are always excellent but I'm just as impressed with the background vox! Another top notch song in your ever expanding song catalog! Take care, T
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/03/20 05:19 AM

Originally Posted By: Dero13
Hello floyd jane,

Superb composition. Your voice and your words are in perfect harmony. The mix is ​​impeccable. I really enjoyed it. I don't know all your songs but frankly I enjoyed this one.

Kindly regard

Dero13
alias JaniJackFlash


Thanks, Dero...


Originally Posted By: dani48
Hi, Floyd !

This is your best so far !
I just love your vocals so
much !

Great song in every aspect !

Cheers
Dani


HAHAHA smile - Thanks, Dani...


Originally Posted By: Rustyspoon#
FJ,
Nice Modern Country tune. Classic FJ. Like your phrasing on this! Overall instruments/vocals exceptionally well timed & matched. Vocals are A+. Mandolin was an excellent choice. Enjoyed my listen and thank you for sharing.

Misha.


Thanks for having a listen, Misha... appreciated...
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/06/20 12:22 PM

Originally Posted By: EdZ314
This is a strong one Floyd. That chorus is really sweet. Your facility with lyrics is really impressive, and this line was a classic:

"i'm gonna weekend her off my mind
friday i'm gonna jim beam 'til i'm blind"

Here's an idea - your next album title is:
"Floyd Jane / Standard Fare"

Just kidding smile Great stuff - keep 'em rollin'!




Ed - Thanks! Good to have you stop in...


Originally Posted By: Rob Helms
Floyd I am and have been a fan. Thanks again for a great tune to listen to.


Rob! Good to see ya in the Showcase!!... Thanks...


Originally Posted By: Greg Johnson
In a word.........PERFECT!!!! Catchy, clever, with a grab you by the heart kind of appeal!! I've said it before with a few FJ songs, but if I were teaching a class in songwriting, this would be one to study! Everything placed just right!! I've never heard that phrase so I'm guessing my buddy Floyd created it but it could become a standard phrase. Behind Floyd's center field fence, there are so many balls you couldn't even walk through!! BRAVO my friend!!!! Take care. Greg


Greg - couldn't ask for a better review than that! Thanks!!
Posted by: Frankp

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/06/20 09:09 PM

Lovely vocals, your voice has so much character and is instantly recognizable. Another great production.
Posted by: floyd jane

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/07/20 07:44 AM

Originally Posted By: MarioD
Floyd, you have had many winners but this may be your best to date.


Thanks, Mario!!


Originally Posted By: Ezekiel's Storm
Floyd,

This song is so dang lyrically clever especially the first verse and the chorus. The chorus knocks my socks off...love that chorus!


Always appreciated, Scott....


Originally Posted By: David Snyder

Great song man. May be standard fare, but your standard fare is always a cut above!

smile

Hope you are great dude!


Thanks you, Mr Snyder!!...


Originally Posted By: Torrey Bliss
Floyd, I love the delicate nature of the backing instruments in this! It really gives this a beautiful texture! Your lead vocals are always excellent but I'm just as impressed with the background vox! Another top notch song in your ever expanding song catalog! Take care, T


Thanks, Torrey... good to have you back!...


Originally Posted By: Frankp
Lovely vocals, your voice has so much character and is instantly recognizable. Another great production.


Frank - thanks for stopping in!...



(I hope I did not miss anyone - apologies if I did...)
Posted by: TexasFrets

Re: Weekend Her Off My Mind - 11/20/20 11:24 PM

Hi, Floyd.

This is super great. Really love the hook: "weekend her off my mind". Such a great line. Great structure to your song. I really admire your lyrics. Excellent instrumentation & mix & singing too. Quality all around.

I read your response to Deej about Helicon. I'll have to check that out. I didn't realize that was part of BIAB.

Cheers,
Todd