THIS SONG IS REMOVED

RealTracks in style: ~518:Bass, Electric, Pop HalfNotes Ev 085
RealTracks in style: ~542:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Dreamy Ev 085
RealTracks in style: ~362:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Ev 085
RealTracks in song: 2692:Organ, Rhythm ModernPopSlowMike Ev 075
RealTracks in song: 2337:Violin, Background, PopHigh Ev 085 (1TrackStringSection)
RealDrums [in style:NashvilleEven8^1-a:Sidestick, HiHat , b:Snare, Ride
Sam Efford of fivrr sang the vocal.


Lyric:
I've always heard
Look into your heart
The truth is there

That may be so
I don't really know
Or even care

I lost a love, suffered the sting
But here's the intriguing thing:

Every time I look into my heart
I find that she is living there
It may not be real but it's nothing I conceal
From anyone who cares.
All I ever wanted since the day we met
Was to have her for my very own
Oh, Never leave my heart, sweet illusion, don't leave me alone

Maybe I should take the blow and face the loss,
Can't be the guy who lives on lies
But as long as both our paths, sometimes cross
That's all I need to keep my dream alive

Violin Solo

Find somebody else
Friends they often say
Don't be a fool
Hard to fix your gaze
On a cheap array of glass
When you've seen a jewel

Someday she may find that special one,
Will I then, at last become undone?

Every time I look into my heart
I find that she is living there
It may not be real but it's nothing I conceal
From anyone who cares.
All I ever wanted since the day we met
Was to have her for my very own
Oh, Never leave my heart, sweet illusion, don't leave me alone

I think Sam's 1st note, or three, is a bit iffy.
The vocal is a little loud or may need some more reverb to sit with the instruments/room.
Some sibilant stuff - not bad but there're spots I'd address.
Nice arrangement and the violin was a good solo choice.
The last cymbal hit cuts off suddenly...a little delay or cut n drag extension would be nice.

I agree about the vocal volume and adding some effects.

I liked the vocal and the violin lead - brilliant!

Super backing tracks.

Great lyrics!

Super vocal and lyric TM. I think this is an excellent tune. Super laid back listen. Well done..

OK, Rob... But remember that you asked!

Plus, everyone else seems to disagree with me, so take a giant grain of salt.

I agree with your "meh". There's no energy, the song is too slow, and there are long gaps between lyrics.

The singer's got no passion in the vocal, but that's partly because there's no feelings in the song, other than that the singer "wanted" to "have her". But there's no emotion to it, just analysis.

The words that are used are cliches that don't sound like an actual broken-hearted person would say, such as:

   suffered the sting
   at last become undone
   But here's the intriguing thing
   Hard to fix your gaze

The beginning of the song says you should look in your heart to find the truth. Or not:

   I've always heard / Look into your heart / The truth is there
   That may be so / I don't really know / Or even care

But after singing that they don't "even care", they then state it's the core idea of the song:

   Every time I look into my heart / I find that she is living there

So: too much "thinking", not much "feeling" in the lyric. And the words that should evoke feelings are used in a cliche sort of way.

Here's what I think the emotional core of the song is:

   Someday you will find that special one,
   And my heart will be undone
   How will I believe this sweet illusion
   That you still love me?

   Edit: To make it a bit less "thinky", I changed the POV as well.

But why not ratchet up the the emotions even more? Instead of making him worry about the future where he'll have to confront the illusion that she still loves him, why not make that the motivating element?

   The way you two exchange knowing glances,
   brush back your hair then quickly look away
   I know there's no chances
   you'll bring back the love you took away

Is that helpful? It's just an opinion, feel free to ignore.

"The way you two exchange knowing glances,
   brush back your hair then quickly look away.
   I know there're no chances,
   you'll bring back the love you took away."
Plural agreement.
or
"The way you two exchange knowing glances,
   brush back your hair then quickly look away.
   I know there's no chance,
   you'll bring back the love you took away."

I enjoyed this.
Thanks for posting TM.
Rob4580

Meh is just too strong a word, Bob. It's better than that, although not your best. My favorite part was the violin solo and the dreamy guitar. I like Ray's first post. Total agreement here. There IS, however, some emotion in the melody, but the vocalist is singing the notes, not the words. I really like David's assessment, although I may not agree with it all.

Listened three times and each one is better. The melody is really good (although the lower notes seem too low for Sam's comfort zone of expression), the idea is good, the chord changes are good. The whole song is way above meh.

I made the mistake of reading the comments before listening.
That "jaded" my listen.
There did seem to be a "disconnect" between the lyric message and the tone of the vocal and the melody.
The melody, btw, is really nice (but, too "positive sounding" for the message).
I wasn't "convinced" by the singer.

Nice backing track/arrangement. Mix is nice - though the vocal is slightly too-up-front (opinion).

The discussion (above) certainly is interesting...

fj

Ha! I did think about that, but figured I'd put rhyming glances/chances above grammar.

I was just trying to suggest how the lyric could be reframed to be less passive, and got carried away.

TM - I agree with Marty in this is well above "meh." I think you've got a good song in the making here. I agree with most of the comments made so far. Please don't give up on this one. I think that with the incorporation of the ideas above, you're going to come up with a song that really shines. The lead vocal seems less than passionate in putting forth the song - which may be unfair, just how it came across in my ears. I also thought it could use some background vocals. I liked the backtrack you used. Keep workin' it!

I enjoyed listening to your track although I feel that it is not an easy song to sing. I think the members have made some good suggestions which could improve the song. That’s what I like about the forum - members can give great feedback and advice.

Hi Bob
A great song
Maybe not so well sung
But I think Sam is the right singer
He should maybe work more with the song
So I couldn't sing the song at all ;-)))
But in any case this is a great song
Many greetings
Andi ;-)

Bob.
The vocal is a little pitchy on the high notes, which must be the top of his range. However if the key was lowered he'd be really struggling with the low ones.
He doesn't seem happy with this key though so maybe he needs to change the melody in certain areas so he can work in a different key.

The music has no dynamics to help him. It's the same tone all the way through.

Having said all that I think it's worth a rewrite, as there are parts worth saving.

Vic

Hey TM, overall I think this is a good listen, but I do agree with those that say there is little emotion in the vocals. In a couple places I was expecting the vocals to jump an octave to really express longing or pain.

I don't think it's a 'meh' song, but it can definitely be improved.
Make it a bit faster and add some dynamic changes, maybe make the chorus a bit less challenging for the singer, and Sam shouldn't put every syllable exactly on the beat, because that sounds rhythmically boring.

Many good advices given already. To me, the vocal is too upfront and the arrangement is bit lifeless. That dreamy guitar works well, but I would use stronger drum track (or mix the current more upfront) to bring some extra kick. I would also add an electric guitar playing held chords in the chorus. But that's just me, the song itself is a good one, nice melody and yearning lyrics, "But as long as both our paths, sometimes cross/That's all I need to keep my dream alive" summarizes the sweet illusion nicely.


Janne

Bob,
I`d like to hear this with a vocal that`s more connected to the feelings expressed in the lyrics... and that makes more of the melody.
Many interesting comments on this already; bottom line for me is that the vocal issues are too distracting to really appreciate the song, which I think is well worth saving.

Robert

Thanks to everyone for your input. I've decided to scrap the song and have removed it from Soundcloud.

That’s a shame.
I hate to give up on a song. Maybe save it for another time?

Vic