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#139906 - 12/09/11 03:56 PM [User Showcase] New Song, need advise
Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Superbron Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Hi all,

It's been a while since I posted my last song here. Here's one with little to no Biab involved. I could need some advise though: as non-native english speaker it's always difficult to write fitting lyrics. Anyway: enjoy!

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=665106&songID=7192660

Cheers,

Superbron
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#139907 - 12/12/11 10:04 AM [User Showcase] Re: New Song, need advise [Re: Superbron]
Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 951
Loc: France, but I'm an ex-pat Brit
mglinert Offline
Expert

Registered: 07/12/07
Posts: 951
Loc: France, but I'm an ex-pat Brit
Thoughtful piece, SuperBron in what is a new genre for you.

The main problem here regarding the lyric is that your phrasing pattern pretty well thoughout the song is x/X/x i.e. three sylables with the accent (further emphasized by the rising melody) falling on the second of the three.

You must then choose lyrics which fit this pattern.

Some of your lines do:
(‘this planet ‘,‘let's break with’, ‘traditions’, ‘stop toxic’, ‘emissions’)

..but other do not, and these sound forced, awkward, clumsy.. (‘we call Earth’, ‘is the place’, ‘of our birth’, ‘poisoning’)

Regards,

Marc
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#139908 - 12/13/11 01:03 PM [User Showcase] Re: New Song, need advise [Re: mglinert]
Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Superbron Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Hi Marc,

Thanks for listening and your advise. It's indeed new terrain and I think you nailed the problem I have with this song. It's very hard for a non-native english speaker to get the emphasizes (is this correct?) right. Can you let me know of all lines which are correct and which are not? Thanks in advance.

Cheers,

Bron
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It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
www.soundclick.com/superbron

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#139909 - 12/14/11 02:00 PM [User Showcase] Re: New Song, need advise [Re: Superbron]
Registered: 12/27/03
Posts: 13779
Loc: Hamlin NY
MarioD Online   content
Veteran

Registered: 12/27/03
Posts: 13779
Loc: Hamlin NY
Welcome back Superbron!

Yes, the correct word is emphasizes and while I do agree with Marc I don’t think you were that far off. I think it sounds like it does more because of the rising melody. Is there anyway you can cut the volume, maybe by velocity if midi, on that?

Also why not sing it in your native language? Sing it that way and see how the emphasis comes out. Then if you want to sing it in English you have something to compare it to. Just a thought!

You have come a long way in your song writing and production skills!
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It has been a joy being quarantined with my wife. We've caught up on all the things I have done wrong in our 53 years of marriage!

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#139910 - 12/16/11 08:53 AM [User Showcase] Re: New Song, need advise [Re: MarioD]
Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Superbron Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 02/25/07
Posts: 514
Loc: The Netherlands, Europe
Hi MarioD,

Thanks for listening and your advise. I will try writing some lyrics in Frisian (my native language) of Dutch which I am very familiar with as well.

Cheers,

Superbron
_________________________
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
www.soundclick.com/superbron

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