The problem was not so much with the verses as it was with the "not well defined" chorus.
With the verses, read them without the music and see if they make sense and tell the story. Don't assume anyone knows what you're talking about. In other words.... nothing cryptic that isn't explained. Keep the melody and groove/patterns the same in all the verses.
Chorus:
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
You had to give me all this pain
Cause' it's another love that went so wrong
So, just by reading this and nothing else.... At first glance, the hook title is in the right place on Line 1..... however.... the 6 line chorus , I think, is wrong. Drop the last 2 lines and waa laa, you have the hook AGAIN in the RIGHT place..... at the end of the chorus....
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
Since the first and last line are the hook line/title, the most important part of the rewriting is what you say in line 2 and 3 of the chorus.... in other words, you really only need to write TWO LINES.... 16 or so words..... how hard can that be? It needs to perhaps explain why she's going to be crying for your love..... either way, it should be the common theme that ties the story in the verses together..... that common thread.
The other options include using the hook/title in only the first line OR the last line, and write 3 new lines.... using rhyme and meter to make it work.
OR... move the hook to the end ...line 6 and write 4 new lines in the chorus. The chorus can be what ever you want it to be but, do follow the rules for placing the hook/title correctly in the chorus.... that was one thing that was throwing me off as I listened..... I heard the hook, and was expecting the end of the chorus and it kept going..... "what?"
Think of the song as a 3 minute video, for which you are writing the score. Choose the words efficiently and effectively.
Re-writing a song is generally harder than the original first write. Most songwriters make the mistake of thinking that what is essentially a good first draft is a finished song that exudes sheer brilliance. Only a small handful of writers were even close to that level. Lennon/McCartny being one example. Most of us really have to work to write good music. The secret to that is in the rewrite. So don't make the mistake of "falling in love" with your first drafts.
Many of my songs are rewritten 6 to 8 times.... I actually do not count anymore. I simply know that it's what I need to do and get to work doing the rewrite. The only goal is the best possible song.
This song:
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12024980 I know for a fact, was rewritten and tweeked over 6 times.... at any given part of this song the listener knows exactly where they are. 2 verses tell the story and the pre-chorus sets up the huge chorus which delivers in a big way... providing musical climax and satisfaction.....
Believe it or not, this song started with 3 or 4 verses and even had a bridge. With each rewrite, it was trimmed and this was the "end result" of the editing and trimming and looking at the song in an objective manner.
This song is a co-write as well. Having a co-writer is one of the best and fastest ways to really learn how to write effectively.
I hope this unsolicited advice is useful and helpful.