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JoanneCooper #334993 02/04/16 04:00 PM
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Hi Josie,

Good job, good arrangements and beautiful voice !
The second song is perfect.
The first one : at my first listening, I found that the piano was a bit too loud, at the second listening I found it was too present and I am asking to myself if it could be simply removed. I guess that the other instruments are sufficient to get the correct ambience. Just my feeling...

Cheers
Pascal


No hay banda! There is no band! Il n'est pas de orchestra!
No hay banda! And yet we hear a band !

(David Lynch - Mulholland Drive)
JoanneCooper #335003 02/04/16 06:47 PM
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Joanne just a couple of words of encouragement for I will leave all the adjustments to the experts. I enjoyed listening to both songs and I wish you the best as you move on to FAWM.
Sonny

RnAM #335060 02/05/16 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: RnAM
Hi Joanne,

This certainly is a beautiful song and you sing it very well!
One (tiny, tinyn, tiny) nit as far as we're concerned:
The music doesn't completely agree with the dramatic words of the first verse.
Then the music is too cheerful for such a sad story. frown
When she starts dreaming of life elsewhere music and lyrics fit very well.

But we certainly think this is a very good contribution to FAWM.
Lots of success!
laugh

Rob and Anne-Marie

+1 I agree that the music seems too cheerful. Very well sung. Song #2- I also didn't get the blanket part. Other than that the song was close to perfect. Song #3, I agree with floyd's observations. The title should be An Unread Book. Nicely done! Tom

JoanneCooper #335161 02/06/16 02:25 AM
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Floyd, Charlie, Guenter, Pascal, Sonny and Tommy
Thanks for listening and commenting. All your comments are very well noted and much appreciated. I will definitely live with all the songs for a few months, perform them on SJ etc so they will definitely evolve before I record again.


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JoanneCooper #335163 02/06/16 02:37 AM
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Song # 4 Toxic Surfer
Co-write with Peter Geach

In South Africa we have quite a unique method of recycling. We have these guys who come "surfing" down our streets on homemade trolleys on a Monday morning. They go through our wheelie bins. Mainly routing for plastic recyclable plastic. They then take their haul to the depot and trade it in for a few Rands. Pete gave me a poem about these guys and this is the song that was produced. I will try and get a photo on Monday of someone with their buffalo bag full to brimming with plastic bottles.

Feedback appreciated.

TOXIC SURFER



Photo credit: Jeff Harrisberg

Lyrics:
You walk for miles and miles
dirty bag in tow
Your flat bed trolly keeping pace
Tiny wheels spin like tops in the toughs
Gripping hard on the crests

Clack KD Clack goes the toxic surfer
Clack KD clack down the road
always room for another
plastic vessel
Before you merchandise your load


A plastic junkie in your helmet balaclava
Reclaimed takkies for brakes
No time to drink no time to smoke
Your street of wheelie bins awaits

RealTracks in style: 2421:Bass, Acoustic, RockabillySlapBoomChicka Ev16 100
RealTracks in style: 2424:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm RockabillyBoomChickaKevin Ev 100
RealTracks in style: 2422:Guitar, Baritone Electric, Rhythm BoomChickaRootFiveBrent Ev16 100
RealTracks in song: 1518:Guitar, Electric, Soloist CountryWorkinBrent Ev16 090
RealDrums in style: BoomChickaEv16^01-a: Brush, Train, b: Rods, Train
RT2010:Guitar, Resonator, Soloist CountryWorkinRob Ev16 090


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JoanneCooper #335170 02/06/16 04:46 AM
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I enjoyed my listen of Toxic Surfer. I think it is a good song for FAWN but may have limited world wide appeal as the subject matter may not be widely known so maybe a questionable song for your future album.

There could be many instances here where I live that a 'toxic surfer' would catch quite a bit of flack if caught rifling through trash.


BIAB Ultra Pak+ 2024:RB 2024, Latest builds: Dell Optiplex 7040 Desktop; Windows-10-64 bit, Intel Core i7-6700 3.4GHz CPU and 16 GB Ram Memory.
JoanneCooper #335173 02/06/16 05:34 AM
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Hi Josie,

I enjoyed Toxic Surfer.
Thanks for the picture.

Guenter

JoanneCooper #335244 02/07/16 03:25 AM
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This is SUCH an interesting exercise because the feedback I am getting can be immediately applied to the next song I write. Keep the feedback coming, I really appreciate it and it is definitely making this a better FAWM for me.

This one I have tried to cut out all the unnecessary words (I can still see a few that can be cut next time) I have tried to match the backing with the lyrics a bit better, tried to use more appropriate images and also tried to make the theme more generic, so hopefully that all makes me a better songwriter!

I quite like this one and feel it may have some potential with a little polishing.

Song Number 5 Like a Lady
(no co-writers on this one).


LIKE A LADY

I dont pretend to know
dont know all the things
dont know all a boy could do
to give his lady wings

If our daughters knew there
different kinds of men
some treat her like lady
some like a friend


Some will make the small things count
others count all the small things


You got to know
how to treat her like a lady
You got to know
how to treat her like a queen
Make her feel like a princess
clothe her in dignity


She'd know a caring man
not one that's careless
One that lends a hand
not one that's helpless

Our daughters would settle for
those different kinds of men
They treat her like a lady
Not just a friend


CHORUS

if we teach our girls
to separate the two
then teach our sons to be that
man

CHORUS

Realtacks
RT521:Bass, Electric, Pop Syncopated Ev 136
RealDrums-NashvilleSkip^01-SideStick,Ride
RT1292:Accordion, Rhythm TexMexCountry Ev 120
RT2035:Mandolin, Soloist CountryAndy Ev 120
RT1571:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Soul60sHighQuarters Ev 110
RT406:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Ev 136
RT522:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking Ev 120
And a Dimension Pro Xylophone based on a BIAB midi melody


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JoanneCooper #335252 02/07/16 04:21 AM
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Commented about Like a Lady over in FAWM-land, so I won't repeat that here.

One note of caution (that I never listen to myself!): The more arranging you do on the first cut (and the addition of all those instruments), the harder it might become to finalize the song, especially if you need to do any major changes.

You may want to do a few FAWM tunes with just guitar/vocal (and harmony) and then play it 100 times before doing the BIAB version. But at the same time your arrangements are pretty good as is, so maybe just keep doing what you are doing (ha, ha).


Now at bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh @ bandcamp or soundcloud: Kevin @ soundcloud
JoanneCooper #335254 02/07/16 04:39 AM
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Thanks Kevin. Yes I will definitely be doing a few acoustic tracks as the time gets shorter. I am not going to have the energy to keep doing the full BIAB production (although with the way I play the guitar it is probably quicker ha ha!). I will be performing the tracks on SJ and Periscope many times over the next few months and that way gauging which ones to use on my album. As you know I do like to perform with backing tracks on SJ.


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JoanneCooper #335378 02/08/16 02:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: JosieC

This one I have tried to cut out all the unnecessary words (I can still see a few that can be cut next time) I have tried to match the backing with the lyrics a bit better, tried to use more appropriate images and also tried to make the theme more generic, so hopefully that all makes me a better songwriter!


Song Number 5 Like a Lady
(no co-writers on this one).



Joanne - you have accomplished all of that on this one. A solid write. The prosody is excellent. That allowed you to sing this like it was a song that you had known a long time. (the harmonies were quite nice, too). Keep it up... fj

JoanneCooper #335384 02/08/16 03:25 AM
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#5: Like a Lady:

This is really good. My favorite so far. I'm enjoying following along your journey.


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JoanneCooper #335459 02/08/16 09:56 AM
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Hi Joanne,

The melody and prosody for "Treat Her Like A Lady" are excellent. I found it a very enjoyable listen!

I have a couple of lyric suggestions about consolidating the song's point-of-view (i.e. who is talking to whom and why) but I'm not sure if you'd prefer me to post them here so that everything is kept in a single thread or to send them to you in an email. Please let me know.

I have to say that your songwriting really has grown! As mentioned above, I really enjoyed this.... a great deal.

Regards,
Noel


MY SONGS...
Audiophile BIAB 2024
JoanneCooper #335550 02/08/16 06:14 PM
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Hi Noel. I think if you could post them here that would be great because then everyone can benefit.

Thanks to Floyd and Charlie as well.

The interesting thing about doing fawm is that you just write, record and move on immediately. When I am "not in fawm", I usually get "stuck" and then usually abandon the song. In fawm there is no abandoning because if you have already invested time in a song you are not going to throw that time away. So you keep plugging away at the song until it is good enough to record and then move on. Some of the results are surprising. My next song I started out hating but by the time I had "finished" I quite liked it.


LyricLab A.I assisted chords and lyric app. Export lyrics and import directly into Band-in-a-Box 2024.
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Play-along with songs you know and love, download SGU files
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JoanneCooper #335622 02/09/16 05:25 AM
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Hi Joanne,

very interesting arrangement. Very entertaining.
Great vocals and harmonies.
Enjoyable listen.

Guenter

JoanneCooper #335653 02/09/16 08:16 AM
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Song # 6 (nearly half way.. Phew)
Watching Time
Co-write with my friend Rachael Scherf

WATCHING TIME

It doesnt seem that long ago
You were barely two
Id have to leave my warm dark bed
to keep an eye on you

Longing for the hours to pass
I'watch the time tick by
but when you wait time seems to crawl
when I would have it fly

Wishing I had more time
for myself

Guiltily I hold my breath
watching time
guilty then is a mother's fate
watching time

You grew so fast and sure
you were nearly ten
I couldn't watch your tennis match
wasnt time back then

Wouldnt help out at your fair
TIME I cried once more
The days flew by in such a rush
faster than before


Wishing I had more time
for my child

Time marches by you have children of your own
Time has slowed right down again Now that you are gone

wishing I had more time


LyricLab A.I assisted chords and lyric app. Export lyrics and import directly into Band-in-a-Box 2024.
https://lyriclab.net
Play-along with songs you know and love, download SGU files
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JoanneCooper #335733 02/09/16 12:57 PM
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Hi, Jo !:))


This must be one of your
absolutely best ! Love the chords
and your beautiful vocals !!!:))

Cheers
Dani

JoanneCooper #335753 02/09/16 01:28 PM
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Joanne, I at least wanted to offer encouragement. I know you are looking for suggestions as well, but what you are getting is so great already, I wouldn't know what to ad.

So, that being said, I do really like the your music AND your delivery of it...also the suggestions being made. I'm educating myself by listening (see my name) from your triumphs!

It's a great thread to witness the power of the forum we have and talent like yours!


Chad (Hope that makes it easier)

TEMPO TANTRUM: What a lead singer has when they can't stay in time.
JoanneCooper #335915 02/10/16 01:12 PM
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Hi Joanne,

re Watching Time
I like the story.
Good vocals and harmonies.
The single line BGV towards the end doesn't quite fit the chords.
Enjoyed listening.

Guenter

JoanneCooper #335927 02/10/16 01:41 PM
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Hi Joanne. I'm not sure what FAWM is but I like the tune!! The Who did a song with a similar theme in the 60's-Little Billy. This is well done, and it's always great to see justice, even if it's just in a song. Nice job. Mix and arrangement are excellent! Take care. Greg

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