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#615793 - 09/19/20 10:53 PM [User Showcase] The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
rayc Online   content
Veteran

Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
Hello Folks,
on another forum a chap told me I ought to play chords for longer than a bar, sing more softly and, without saying so, be more like him. A chap who writes slower songs with intricate chords, beautiful picking styles and so forth. I have few of the skills needed to do the things he recommended. I did have a go though. Before my last track, Idee Fixx, I wrote and recorded something as an exercise in the suggested processes, forms, etc.
This track has Rock Northern ^4 drums as well as two iterations of Celtic Strings and a Cello track to help disguise the shortcomings.
HB 12 string electric on one side, Squire Bullet Mustang on the other with a knock off Hofner bass up the centre.
[Link no longer valid]
Remix based on fj's comments primarily...
[Link no longer valid]

Lyrics...(dragged out of a folio of my scribblings from the late 70s to very early 80s.)

The Dismissal
V1
I’m reading the letters
You wrote me long ago
The memories are there
But the letters come no more, I know
Each page holds you there
Between the words and the sorrow
Between the words and the sorrow
Chorus
It’s cold so I lie on my bed
And remember
The 1st and the last time
I saw you
And in these memories I’ve found
A reason to be
And in these letters I’ve found
Your dreams I couldn’t see
V2
The paper has browned
From my touch as I read them
Each word burnt in my memory
But I need them.
I’ll read them again
And again come tomorrow
Come tomorrow
SOLO

Chorus

I’m reading the letters
You wrote me long ago
The memories are there
But the letters come no more, I know
They are words
And words are all that I have now
Merely words
But the words are you somehow

Chorus


Edited by Andrew - PG Music (10/13/20 11:06 PM)
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rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
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#615833 - 09/20/20 07:28 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 05/30/20
Posts: 784
Loc: Belgium
Derochette Offline
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Registered: 05/30/20
Posts: 784
Loc: Belgium
Hello Rayc,

Your chord progression is quite original because it allows you to immerse us in a strange and interesting atmosphere In this context, we are really attentive to your well thought out lyric. Good work.

Best regards

Dero13
aliasJaniJackFlash

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#615837 - 09/20/20 08:02 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9378
Loc: Florida
floyd jane Offline
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Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9378
Loc: Florida
ray,

I applaud your willingness to explore new avenues. I don't think you need advice from "..A chap who writes slower songs with intricate chords, beautiful picking styles and so forth." Your upbeat Punk-leaning songs/production are some of the coolest offerings on these forums.

The instrumentation is cool. Very well done. The combination of strings/synths/guitars is excellent. Pink Floydish. It gets a bit repetitive after a while - some change-up along the way would be nice. Or some BGVs. The drums are a bit "plodding" and are the "weak link" (opinion).

The mix sounds good.

fj

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#615858 - 09/20/20 09:13 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1317
Tangmo Offline
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Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1317
I think it's pretty cool that you took somebody's suggestions and subverted them, converted them to your own sensibility. The results of the experiment are quirky, expressive, and emotionally impactful. Success. Sounds good on these monitors too.


Edited by Tangmo (09/20/20 09:14 AM)
Edit Reason: punctuation and grammar for the English teacher.
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#615888 - 09/20/20 03:31 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: Derochette]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
rayc Online   content
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Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
Originally Posted By: Dero13
Hello Rayc,
Your chord progression is quite original because it allows you to immerse us in a strange and interesting atmosphere In this context, we are really attentive to your well thought out lyric. Good work.
Best regards
Dero13
aliasJaniJackFlash

Thanks Dero,
A maj & F Min with no minor chords is a little odd I'll grant you.
I can't really take credit for a lyric I wrote about 40 years ago...that was a different animal entirely.
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rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#615889 - 09/20/20 03:33 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: floyd jane]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
rayc Online   content
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Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
Originally Posted By: floyd jane
ray,
It gets a bit repetitive after a while - some change-up along the way would be nice. Or some BGVs. The drums are a bit "plodding" and are the "weak link" (opinion).
fj

I'll have a bash at those suggestions. The song is a useful experimentation platform.
Thanks.
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rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#615891 - 09/20/20 03:34 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: Tangmo]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
rayc Online   content
Veteran

Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
Originally Posted By: Tangmo
I think it's pretty cool that you took somebody's suggestions and subverted them, converted them to your own sensibility. The results of the experiment are quirky, expressive, and emotionally impactful. Success. Sounds good on these monitors too.

Thanks Tangmo, I appreciate your appraisal.
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rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#615912 - 09/20/20 07:18 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 02/20/10
Posts: 1293
Loc: Maryland
TuneMonger Offline
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Registered: 02/20/10
Posts: 1293
Loc: Maryland
I liked it and thought it was a bit different from your usual fare. I wished the vocals were a little more prominent, maybe more than a little. Cool vibe to song that is your own thing, as I hear it. Well done!
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#615951 - 09/21/20 02:48 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: TuneMonger]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
rayc Online   content
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Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 3090
Loc: Cooran Queensland Australia
Originally Posted By: TuneMonger
I liked it and thought it was a bit different from your usual fare. I wished the vocals were a little more prominent, maybe more than a little. Cool vibe to song that is your own thing, as I hear it. Well done!

Thanks TuneMonger,
The updated mix has louder vocals, less string and a changed drum.
_________________________
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rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#615953 - 09/21/20 03:02 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 3870
Loc: Ontario, Canada
BlueAttitude Offline
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Registered: 11/30/07
Posts: 3870
Loc: Ontario, Canada
I had a listen to the original mix yesterday (didn't have time to comment) and the new mix this morning. Updated mix is better, vocals are now sitting where they should be I think.

Very different from what I'm used to hearing from you, and I prefer your punk stuff to be honest, but this is cool too.

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#615978 - 09/21/20 07:05 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 2225
F.M.M. Offline
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Registered: 12/26/11
Posts: 2225
Hi Rayc love this excellent mix very progressive song engaging all the way through love this kind of stuff thanks for sharing Eric
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#615995 - 09/21/20 10:12 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 11/29/06
Posts: 2242
Loc: Finland
jannesan Offline
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Registered: 11/29/06
Posts: 2242
Loc: Finland
Fascinating soundtrack type of intro, nice mix of progressive rock ballad and new wave. I like the feeling of 'early recordings' both musically and lyrically and how you have turned it to a well produced experience with nice use of the string and gospel vocal RTs. Intriguing chording.

Janne
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#616024 - 09/21/20 01:27 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 787
jptjptjpt Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 787
I always like the moods you capture in your songs. This one too. Good production. I don't know what instruments are live and which are BnB, but they all sound good. Interesting lyrics. Unsettling. Good work.
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#616039 - 09/21/20 03:02 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 09/30/16
Posts: 1142
Loc: Netherlands, Haarlem
Birchwood Offline
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Registered: 09/30/16
Posts: 1142
Loc: Netherlands, Haarlem
Hi Ray,

Some years ago a drummer told me to put in an extra bar between verses and chorusses, although it's wrong if you look at it musically.
But it gives a singer more space or rest and it sounds more relaxed.
Well I do this quite often in my songs and it works well. Now you wrote a more or less similair story about that extra bar.
It was nice to read it.

The song is nice and indeed slow. But I prefer slower songs, as you might have noticed. I think the way you sang in your last songs before this one is more how I like it. in this song your voice sounds a bit thin and sharp. It gives the impression you were somewhat insecure. I know you're not, so try your more blacker/darker voice also on this nice song. It will sound more powerful, I think.
But don't change the melody. It is good, even with extra bars in it.

Hans
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#616109 - 09/22/20 06:41 AM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9378
Loc: Florida
floyd jane Offline
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Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9378
Loc: Florida
ray,

Excellent.

The re-work really took this to a different level. The changes are all well done and help keep the ear engaged. Good mix.

Great job.

fj

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#616171 - 09/22/20 05:46 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 04/02/19
Posts: 500
Loc: Canberra, Australia
Leon1 Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 04/02/19
Posts: 500
Loc: Canberra, Australia
Hi Ray
Go your own way, I say. That said, this is a moody and intriguing piece. By no means an easy one to sing, so I think you did pretty well. Judging by the lyrics, your younger self clearly had some insight into the bittersweet pain of lost love. Your video for Idee Fixx looks good, by the way.
Regards,
Leon

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#616179 - 09/22/20 06:41 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5852
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Scott C Offline
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Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5852
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Very cool tune. Loved the vocal. Loved the reverb in the vocal. I got a Pink Floyd vibe as well. Excellent instrument choice. Well done

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#616186 - 09/22/20 07:45 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 03/07/18
Posts: 2859
Rustyspoon# Offline
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Registered: 03/07/18
Posts: 2859
Ray,
Listened 2 side by side. Re-mix wins! I just think it can be just a hint louder overall (it maybe that I am going deaf too.)
----
Disorienting smile
I believe that experiments like this, even if they are outside of comfort zone, still very important and beneficial to creative processes. It is a quirky tune, which is distant from what I have heard by you, but surely has a place to "live". I like it because I find flow unusual and hypnotic, but not to the point of rejection. Keeps attention afloat.

P.S. An side idea on this, if one day you decide to try something else. Maybe straight talking vocals? Soft, but without emotion. Meaning, letting music do the emotion part and non-melodic lyrics just to add another dimension.

Thank you for sharing!

Misha.

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#616284 - 09/23/20 01:05 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 01/06/20
Posts: 1062
Loc: Illinois
CaptainMoto Offline
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Registered: 01/06/20
Posts: 1062
Loc: Illinois
Sounds better.
I think it's a great idea to take advantage of useful criticism but, I believe songs should be an expression of owns own unique character.
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#616460 - 09/24/20 02:51 PM [User Showcase] Re: The Dismissal - An Exercise In Other People's Shoes [Re: rayc]
Registered: 06/09/16
Posts: 3128
Robertkc Offline
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Registered: 06/09/16
Posts: 3128
Ray,
A bold and sensitive progressive ballad from the Pygmy Beat!
The chord progression and arrangement held my attention... and the core lines are well written:

in these letters I’ve found
Your dreams I couldn’t see

I like that and the hazy feel of the whole:like an album song that`s not the headliner but soaks in with listens.

Robert

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