I say... this is a good song. Great job on the writing of the melody and the lyrics.

As far as the vocal delivery.... heck YES I want a singer who's not afraid to sing and show off his/her voice.... name one professional singer who doesn't. If you have a talent, be proud of it and learn to use it the best you can. That little "cry" & "crack" in the voice in a few places, was effective. I

I did not feel that the singer was "pushing" his voice into the over exaggeration area, which could have been tacky. Nope... didn't see that happening. Simply a well delivered song and a good vocal performance. nice vocal harmonies.

I generally do use volume envelopes in all my tracks for control but rarely do my vocal tracks have envelopes that are up and down as your screen shot depict.

Nice guitar fills. nothing fancy but certainly solid.

While I like to sing my own demo's I also am not adverse to using other singers from time to time. I like the passion others can bring to my songs. Passion beats a "safe" delivery any day.

Loved it....

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.