I liked the song.... very nice transitions in there.

As far as the lyric critique..... I'm gonna sit this one out, but will say that words are critical and just ONE word can make all the difference in the world to the song and how crystal clear the story is or how confusing and murky it is in the minds eye of the listeners.

For the most part, you need to stay in the same "person" throughout or have a really really good reason for shifting the POV. I'm guilty of it and have been called on it by professional writers. Like I said, often changing a few words fixes it.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.