Originally Posted By: dcuny
Really well done (as usual). There are some great lines in there, such as:

you knew it was coming, and it was such a surprise
you keep wondering how much of the past year was lies

But - and I say this with some hesitation - the song felt like it missed the mark.

The verses - excellent.

The chorus... a great lyric, but I think that was my problem.

One thing that seems to be missing is a strong, melodic chorus - the kind that sticks in the ear. After listening to the song several times, I remember the lyrics and story, but not the melody. And for me, it's the chorus that brings me back to a song.

The other thing was that "You'll never fall in love again" seemed disconnected from the verse. Obviously, it makes sense, but it's up to the listener to guess why this might be. Is it because she doesn't want to let someone hurt her again, or because she believes that it's all been a lie? Is she angry at all men, or just herself for being a fool?

I guess I'm a lazy listener, and I want something that connects the dots, such as:

you look out the window at nothing and swear that
those good times gone had aren't worth worth all this pain
so, you'll never fall in love again

I assume you'll be taking this critique with a huge grain of salt, especially since it's coming from someone who hasn't got the songwriting chops that you do. laugh


David - I always enjoy reading your thoughts on songs here on the forum - often including thoughts on both lyric and melody... I will address a couple of things - not as "defense" but as "explanation" - how and why I write as I do - we all have different "styles" shaped by our experience..

"One thing that seems to be missing is a strong, melodic chorus - the kind that sticks in the ear...."
Well...yes...There is no chorus.
It's a tag. It was not intended to be "catchy".
It is intended to be poignant. And to make you think. It is repeated at various points almost off-handedly, "in the course of the conversation" because it is NOT intended to "hit you in the face", but to slowly worm its way into your consciousness ....

" it's up to the listener to guess why this might be.
Is it because she doesn't want to let someone hurt her again..." YES, MAYBE
"...or because she believes that it's all been a lie?" YES, MAYBE
"Is she angry at all men,..." YES/MAYBE
"...or just herself for being a fool?" YES, MAYBE

...choose your poison

This is basically a "list song". The fact that she will "never fall in love again" is intentionally "one more thing" in the list. Like taking down pictures, her name from the mailbox, filling another box...
You SHOULD be left to decide for yourself the "why" of that. "Connecting those dots" would pigeonhole that reason - which would not necessarily be the reasoning that would elicit the strong reaction from a particular listener. Leaving that to the listeners allows the listener to assign THEIR reasoning, from their experiences - which will tend to make that reasoning strong for them (for most, obviously not all).

If I have "missed the mark" for you, that is, certainly, a valid observation. Not everyone is going to like everything. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on it. Always good to hear what you have to say...Thanks!

floyd

150+ Songs produced using BIAB RealTracks
And 50 more...
and some more...