Nice idea for a lyric.
I did something similar with Beach Boys stuff.
The "band" is tidy and does its job well.
The vocal is really cool too - though what ever reverb/delay you are using is picking up the sibilant esses BIG time.
What DAW are you working in? Addressing those sounds without dulling the whole vocla is pretty easy, though time consuming, inside a decent DAW.


Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe