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Hello all

I have decided to participate in FAWM this year. I want to release an album of original songs sometime towards the middle of the year and I reckon this may be a good chance to get at least some of the songs written for that album.

In order to try and not clog up the forum with all these songs I will put all the demos in this thread. Some of them may be a bit raw due to time constraints!

Any candid feedback on the songwriting or production would be most appreciated as the good ones will most certainly be rerecorded and reproduced in the middle of the year.

Edited to add:

All the tracks can be found here
ALL MY FAWM TRACKS

Song number 1
Little Suzie Johnson (Co-write with Rachael Scherf)

LITTLE SUZIE JOHNSON

Little Suzie Johnson
wouldn't hurt a fly
when the bullies hurt her
she would never cry
At lunch they'd throw their food at her
She slowly ate her roll
At break they'd try to trip her
She'd crawl up in her hole

Little Suzie Johnson
Come and stand by every door
Look beyond the cold and grey
find the dance you're looking for

Little Suzie Johnson
dreamt of life elsewhere
looked out of the window
at the coming fair
she'd run away with them you see
From this small grey town
She'd paint her face all white and red
make herself a clown

Little Suzie Johnson
Come and stand by every door
Look beyond the cold and grey
find the dance you're looking for

Little Suzie Johnson
They're laughing at your tricks
You've finally found where you belong
In this strange eclectic mix
You left the bullies far behind
with their small town lives
they'll marry young and then one day
start bulling their wives

Little Suzie Johnson
Come and stand by every door
Look beyond the cold and grey
find the dance you're looking for

Realtracks
RealTracks in style: ~1394:Bass, Acoustic, Jazz Sw 110 (Very Simple)
RealTracks in style: ~2192:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm EZListening Sw 085
RealTracks in style: ~1984:Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm EZListening Sw 085
RealTracks in style: 2456:Cello, Background PopSwing Sw 110 (1TrackStringQuartet)
RealDrums in style: JazzBrushes#1: a: JazzBrushes#1b: JazzBrushes#1
RealDrums-TambourinePopSw

Well first, congratulations on tackling fawm 2016. You're certainly capable and it will be fun to tag along on your journey.

Nice first song. My musings about it are mostly observational and the tiniest of nits.

I liked the music and choice of instruments.

Lyrically, I liked that you changed the lyric of "small grey town" to "small dark town" when you sang it. I'd keep that change.

I'll note that the lyrics "At break they'd try to trip her She'd crawl up in her hole" is the only line in the song where Suzy breaks, retreats or shows a chink in her armor. I'm unsure if it's intentional, but the line stood out to me. It came across as a line written to match rhyming.

This is going to be a fun project for you and I'm looking forward to hearing the fruits of your labors.

Hi Joanne,

This certainly is a beautiful song and you sing it very well!
One (tiny, tinyn, tiny) nit as far as we're concerned:
The music doesn't completely agree with the dramatic words of the first verse.
Then the music is too cheerful for such a sad story.
When she starts dreaming of life elsewhere music and lyrics fit very well.

But we certainly think this is a very good contribution to FAWM.
Lots of success!


Rob and Anne-Marie

This is why I LOVE this forum. Thank you Charlie. I would never have noticed that about that line. And yes, I think you are right it was written to rhyme. Will rethink that one.



Thanks so much Rob and Anne-Marie. (Did I say how much I love this forum). I will rethink the backing for the first verse. Thank you. Maybe just a solitary cello.

Joanne - you are off to a good start. This will be fun to follow along.

There is a lot of good stuff in this one.

I would suggest that you cut your bridge to just the first 4 lines of it.
"Little Suzie Johnson
They're laughing at your tricks
You've finally found where you belong
In this strange eclectic mix "

...that puts Suzie where she fought to be - in a good place - and is the "moral of your story". The next 4 lines, bring the focus back to the bullies... they don't deserve the attention... the first 4 lines say everything the bridge needs to say...

Looking forward to the next one.

floyd

Wonderful thank you Floyd. Will definitely do that!

Song Number 2
Be Brave

BE BRAVE

I have just come back from a week visiting my mum in Zimbabwe for her 81st birthday. I managed to write and record three songs while I was there so got a good start for FAWM. So this is song number 2. I often think about those tiny little tots who walk to school. Miles and miles they traipse through all sorts of weather. So this is the conversation I imagine between a parent and his 6 year old son before he sets off on this mammoth walk in the morning.

Its time to rise
on this september morning
it is 6 am
the day is nearly dawning

The sun is poised
The cockeral crows
The early light is careless

Be brave my little man, be brave
bE brave my little man

You'll walk the road
a blanket spread before you
Trees keeping guard
Like sentries there beside you

Your shadow thrown
like scars behind
To trace your every footstep

Be brave my little man, be brave
bE brave my little man

Through hail and wind
Through 'nclement weather struggling
Just walk right on
like a drum your feet are marching

if you should fall
Rise up with grace
and walk like nothing happened

Be brave my little man, be brave
bE brave my little man

hot cold
dark light
to its end
just like life

Be brave my little man, be brave
Be brave my little man

Real Tracks
RealTracks in style: ~537:Bass, Acoustic, Pop Sw 165
RealTracks in style: 616:Mandolin, Rhythm Bouncy Sw 165
RealTracks in style: ~812:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Western Swing Sw 165
RealTracks in style: ~373:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Hank Sw 165
RealDrums in Song: Nashville2BeatSw8^01-a:Sidestick , b:Snare, Ride
RealDrums-TambourineSwing8ths

Hi Josie,

now you've finally started your quest.
It's a good start.
Like both songs and enjoyed listening.

Guenter

Be Brave: This is a nice upbeat tune. I like the repetition of the chorus emphasizing for the youngster to know there is nothing to fear.

The song: Once again my nits are toward the lyrics.

1. I didn't connect with "You'll walk the road
a blanket spread before you." I've never seen a blanket down a road. It was difficult for me to image.

2. I didn't find "scars" to be a good word choice. Not from the view of a father talking to his son or the be brave theme of the song.

3. "Through hail and wind - Through 'nclement weather struggling" is what Floyd Jane has taught me to be stumble words. You should be able to hear how you stumble a bit in your phrasing. Besides, " 'nclimate weather struggling" is just rephrasing "through hail & wind." I'd suggest rewriting this verse for better phrasing.

This was a nice listen. I could relate to most of the images you made.



I had the experience of walking to school in the first grade. I recall running into all sorts of 'imagined' obstacles my first day and actually leaving school without permission that first day, returning home to tell my mother I didn't want to have anything to do with school.

We moved the summer between first and second grade and from that point on, I rode the school bus except for the occasions I was suspended from riding the bus for misbehavior.

Josie: You will notice a difference in comments from FAWM in here. The vast majority of comments at FAWM will be "pat on the back", "rah-rah", "keep it going". The reason is obvious, there needs to be no second guessiing or worry about perfection as you try and get to 14 songs in a month.

That is why it is also good to post here, so you can get some of the excellent constructive critiques that have been offered above. My first song I am going to post (hopefully today) is pretty crappy (ha, ha). But it is my first of 14 so I celebrate its crappiness!

Little Suzie Johnson
I really liked this song. Reminded me of a folk song from the 60 like Joan Baez style.

Be Brave
Another nice tune. Excellent listen. Love the tempo of it. Cute pup sitting beside you as well.

I am not able to critique anyone's music from a songwriting pointing view or give mixing or recording advice as I am very much new at that area of music. But I do love to listen :-). There are some very skillful people in this forum that do provide excellent advice..

Re: Song Number 2 - Be Brave

Nice sound on this - good mix, nicely recorded vocals, good instrumentation. Nice lead.

I agree with Charlie on each of his points. If you come back to these later, easy fixes....

for instance, you might try "the world" instead of "a blanket"

"Your shadow thrown... like scars behind" is a cool phrase (line) but seems "out of place" for a small boy (scars)" - you can likely find another word or image that would work as well..

"The early light is careless" - also a cool image, but I am not sure it fits with the other parts there - try... "The early light, relentless"

Just ideas, of course... you did ask for "feedback on the songwriting"...

(that being said, there are times when a writer should say "I like 'scars' there!" and go with your gut. Rules are never absolute - regardless of what some would have you believe...)

I like the song - it is a very interesting write - you're doing great...

fj

Well done Josie and Floyd and anyone else I've missed. I've written/updated 3 or 4 lyrics so far but no songs. Better get a wriggle on.... It's hard when your working full-time with a family, but that's why it's helpful.

Hi Kevin. Yes indeed I can see that. I am definitely going to post all the songs here and take notes of all the comments. Will come back and redo them all later. I will take Feb as a month to "get it all out". Hence the recording and production may not be up to scratch. My first three songs were recorded on my laptop in Zimbabwe. No mic stand and no pop filter. Just holding the USB mic up "towards" my mouth (Noticed some rather prevalent plosives!).

PS LOVED your first song. Wish I could write cr*p like that.

Floyd, Charlie and Rob and Anne-Marie. Thanks so much for the comments and "nits". I am really after that on this project. AS mentioned I am going to just get all the songs out as best I can during Feb (I hope my jobs don't get in the way too much). I will then go back and redo the best ones for an album, taking note of all the feedback I have received.


Floyd, yes DEFINATELY want the feedback. Please! Lying in bed last night I had the word to use instead of "careless" but of course I didn't get up and write it down so this morning it is "gone".

Lambada, thanks for chiming in. Looking forward to hearing your FAWM contributions (I generally don't take the time to read the ones with lyrics only as I do my listening on my phone while doing some stuff around the house)

Scott, thanks for commenting. I appreciate it.

Song number 3
The Time to Look

THE TIME TO LOOK

A bit of a "weedy" title on this one. I guess that means that I haven't written a very good hook! Oh well, there's always the next one.

This one was another co-write with John C Gull (who wrote Cecil the Beautiful with me). I have quite a few sets of lyrics that people have given me over the last few months so some of those will definitely come out in FAWM.

Though you've seen her body
You've never seen her bare
Never seen through to her soul
You just didnt care

her victories her losses
You just dont recall
All her hopes and dreams
Never bothered you at all

Her heart is still
an unread book
You never had the time
You never found the time
You never took the time to look

when you'd wake at night
You'd notice that she'd cry
You never lost out on your sleep
You never asked her why

Her heart is still
an unread book
You never had the time
You never found the time
You never took the time to look

Is time to go now and
leave her as she was
time to let another man
try lead her to the stars

Her heart is still
an unread book
You never had the time
You never found the time
You never took the time to look

You never had the time
You never found the time
You never took the time to look

Realtracks (I didn't do much with the style that BIAB gave me on this one)

RealTracks in style: ~1843:Bass, Electric, CountryBoogieRootFive Sw 110
RealTracks in style: ~1141:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm CountrySwingCleanPicked Sw 110
RealTracks in style: 2452:String Quartet, Rhythm PopSwingHall Sw 110
RealDrums in style: TambourineSwing8ths: a: TambourineSwing8thsb: TambourineSwing8ths
*******************

Candid feedback much appreciated!

Re: Song number 3
The Time to Look

This is another good recording and a good mix.
Also a good write. Good subject/idea for a write.

A few things to "take a look at"...

"You just dont recall" does not need the "just" - it gives you a slight "bump" (what Charlie was referring to on an earlier one) and would "sing better" without it. A little thing, but "how it falls on your listener's ear" is of ultimate importance. Elsewhere throughout the song you have done a good job of dropping the "unnecessary" words..

"All her hopes and dreams...Never bothered you at all" - again, you do not need the "All" (at the beginning) - it is stronger without and will "sing better"

"You never lost out on your sleep
You never asked her why"
Here, you did drop the "you" from the front of both of these when you sang it. Perfect.

"time to let another man
try lead her to the stars"
This gets a little "bumpy". You can drop "man" and you can drop "try" to become...
"time to let another
lead her to the stars" - - "another" implies a person. and dropping "try" tells a better story... you could not do it, but another will..

This is a very good write.

You could change the title to "An Unread Book". (It doesn't always have to be the last line).

fj

"The Time to Look" is may favorite of the three. Great potential here. The common thread emerging so far is you are writing fast (good) but will be taking time to rewrite (better).

I hope (and expect) this one will make your album.

As time goes by, the lyric stumbles (bumps) will reveal themselves to you before you release the recording here on the forum. The fact all three were written while off visiting may be the major factor causing the bumps so far.

Looking forward to the next one.

Hi Joanne,

like #3, too.
Nice vocals and harmonies.
Floyd seems to be a great mentor on the
lyrics.
Enjoyable listen.

Guenter

Hi Josie,

Good job, good arrangements and beautiful voice !
The second song is perfect.
The first one : at my first listening, I found that the piano was a bit too loud, at the second listening I found it was too present and I am asking to myself if it could be simply removed. I guess that the other instruments are sufficient to get the correct ambience. Just my feeling...

Cheers
Pascal

Joanne just a couple of words of encouragement for I will leave all the adjustments to the experts. I enjoyed listening to both songs and I wish you the best as you move on to FAWM.
Sonny

+1 I agree that the music seems too cheerful. Very well sung. Song #2- I also didn't get the blanket part. Other than that the song was close to perfect. Song #3, I agree with floyd's observations. The title should be An Unread Book. Nicely done! Tom

Floyd, Charlie, Guenter, Pascal, Sonny and Tommy
Thanks for listening and commenting. All your comments are very well noted and much appreciated. I will definitely live with all the songs for a few months, perform them on SJ etc so they will definitely evolve before I record again.

Song # 4 Toxic Surfer
Co-write with Peter Geach

In South Africa we have quite a unique method of recycling. We have these guys who come "surfing" down our streets on homemade trolleys on a Monday morning. They go through our wheelie bins. Mainly routing for plastic recyclable plastic. They then take their haul to the depot and trade it in for a few Rands. Pete gave me a poem about these guys and this is the song that was produced. I will try and get a photo on Monday of someone with their buffalo bag full to brimming with plastic bottles.

Feedback appreciated.

TOXIC SURFER



Photo credit: Jeff Harrisberg

Lyrics:
You walk for miles and miles
dirty bag in tow
Your flat bed trolly keeping pace
Tiny wheels spin like tops in the toughs
Gripping hard on the crests

Clack KD Clack goes the toxic surfer
Clack KD clack down the road
always room for another
plastic vessel
Before you merchandise your load


A plastic junkie in your helmet balaclava
Reclaimed takkies for brakes
No time to drink no time to smoke
Your street of wheelie bins awaits

RealTracks in style: 2421:Bass, Acoustic, RockabillySlapBoomChicka Ev16 100
RealTracks in style: 2424:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm RockabillyBoomChickaKevin Ev 100
RealTracks in style: 2422:Guitar, Baritone Electric, Rhythm BoomChickaRootFiveBrent Ev16 100
RealTracks in song: 1518:Guitar, Electric, Soloist CountryWorkinBrent Ev16 090
RealDrums in style: BoomChickaEv16^01-a: Brush, Train, b: Rods, Train
RT2010:Guitar, Resonator, Soloist CountryWorkinRob Ev16 090

I enjoyed my listen of Toxic Surfer. I think it is a good song for FAWN but may have limited world wide appeal as the subject matter may not be widely known so maybe a questionable song for your future album.

There could be many instances here where I live that a 'toxic surfer' would catch quite a bit of flack if caught rifling through trash.

Hi Josie,

I enjoyed Toxic Surfer.
Thanks for the picture.

Guenter

This is SUCH an interesting exercise because the feedback I am getting can be immediately applied to the next song I write. Keep the feedback coming, I really appreciate it and it is definitely making this a better FAWM for me.

This one I have tried to cut out all the unnecessary words (I can still see a few that can be cut next time) I have tried to match the backing with the lyrics a bit better, tried to use more appropriate images and also tried to make the theme more generic, so hopefully that all makes me a better songwriter!

I quite like this one and feel it may have some potential with a little polishing.

Song Number 5 Like a Lady
(no co-writers on this one).

LIKE A LADY

I dont pretend to know
dont know all the things
dont know all a boy could do
to give his lady wings

If our daughters knew there
different kinds of men
some treat her like lady
some like a friend


Some will make the small things count
others count all the small things


You got to know
how to treat her like a lady
You got to know
how to treat her like a queen
Make her feel like a princess
clothe her in dignity


She'd know a caring man
not one that's careless
One that lends a hand
not one that's helpless

Our daughters would settle for
those different kinds of men
They treat her like a lady
Not just a friend


CHORUS

if we teach our girls
to separate the two
then teach our sons to be that
man

CHORUS

Realtacks
RT521:Bass, Electric, Pop Syncopated Ev 136
RealDrums-NashvilleSkip^01-SideStick,Ride
RT1292:Accordion, Rhythm TexMexCountry Ev 120
RT2035:Mandolin, Soloist CountryAndy Ev 120
RT1571:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Soul60sHighQuarters Ev 110
RT406:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Ev 136
RT522:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking Ev 120
And a Dimension Pro Xylophone based on a BIAB midi melody

Commented about Like a Lady over in FAWM-land, so I won't repeat that here.

One note of caution (that I never listen to myself!): The more arranging you do on the first cut (and the addition of all those instruments), the harder it might become to finalize the song, especially if you need to do any major changes.

You may want to do a few FAWM tunes with just guitar/vocal (and harmony) and then play it 100 times before doing the BIAB version. But at the same time your arrangements are pretty good as is, so maybe just keep doing what you are doing (ha, ha).

Thanks Kevin. Yes I will definitely be doing a few acoustic tracks as the time gets shorter. I am not going to have the energy to keep doing the full BIAB production (although with the way I play the guitar it is probably quicker ha ha!). I will be performing the tracks on SJ and Periscope many times over the next few months and that way gauging which ones to use on my album. As you know I do like to perform with backing tracks on SJ.

Joanne - you have accomplished all of that on this one. A solid write. The prosody is excellent. That allowed you to sing this like it was a song that you had known a long time. (the harmonies were quite nice, too). Keep it up... fj

#5: Like a Lady:

This is really good. My favorite so far. I'm enjoying following along your journey.

Hi Joanne,

The melody and prosody for "Treat Her Like A Lady" are excellent. I found it a very enjoyable listen!

I have a couple of lyric suggestions about consolidating the song's point-of-view (i.e. who is talking to whom and why) but I'm not sure if you'd prefer me to post them here so that everything is kept in a single thread or to send them to you in an email. Please let me know.

I have to say that your songwriting really has grown! As mentioned above, I really enjoyed this.... a great deal.

Regards,
Noel

Hi Noel. I think if you could post them here that would be great because then everyone can benefit.

Thanks to Floyd and Charlie as well.

The interesting thing about doing fawm is that you just write, record and move on immediately. When I am "not in fawm", I usually get "stuck" and then usually abandon the song. In fawm there is no abandoning because if you have already invested time in a song you are not going to throw that time away. So you keep plugging away at the song until it is good enough to record and then move on. Some of the results are surprising. My next song I started out hating but by the time I had "finished" I quite liked it.

Hi Joanne,

very interesting arrangement. Very entertaining.
Great vocals and harmonies.
Enjoyable listen.

Guenter

Song # 6 (nearly half way.. Phew)
Watching Time
Co-write with my friend Rachael Scherf

WATCHING TIME

It doesnt seem that long ago
You were barely two
Id have to leave my warm dark bed
to keep an eye on you

Longing for the hours to pass
I'watch the time tick by
but when you wait time seems to crawl
when I would have it fly

Wishing I had more time
for myself

Guiltily I hold my breath
watching time
guilty then is a mother's fate
watching time

You grew so fast and sure
you were nearly ten
I couldn't watch your tennis match
wasnt time back then

Wouldnt help out at your fair
TIME I cried once more
The days flew by in such a rush
faster than before


Wishing I had more time
for my child

Time marches by you have children of your own
Time has slowed right down again Now that you are gone

wishing I had more time

Hi, Jo !:))


This must be one of your
absolutely best ! Love the chords
and your beautiful vocals !!!:))

Cheers
Dani

Joanne, I at least wanted to offer encouragement. I know you are looking for suggestions as well, but what you are getting is so great already, I wouldn't know what to ad.

So, that being said, I do really like the your music AND your delivery of it...also the suggestions being made. I'm educating myself by listening (see my name) from your triumphs!

It's a great thread to witness the power of the forum we have and talent like yours!

Hi Joanne,

re Watching Time
I like the story.
Good vocals and harmonies.
The single line BGV towards the end doesn't quite fit the chords.
Enjoyed listening.

Guenter

Hi Joanne. I'm not sure what FAWM is but I like the tune!! The Who did a song with a similar theme in the 60's-Little Billy. This is well done, and it's always great to see justice, even if it's just in a song. Nice job. Mix and arrangement are excellent! Take care. Greg

Awesome endeavor Josie. I've listened and tomorrow
while traveling we'll stream them back to back.

I'm lucky to squeeze out one song a month!

Bud

Song number 7: Half way through. Will she make it to the end?
What is the time in Amsterdam.

WHATS THE TIME IN AMSTERDAM

Copyright Arthur Rossi and Joanne Cooper 2016

These wonderful lyrics were provided by Arthur Rossi on FAWM who has written over 50 sets of lyrics and invited collaborators to put music to them. It is so wonderful to work with an already well thought out set of lyrics. I loved the concept as soon as I saw it and put together this country swing version.


Now I live in Chicago
I'll get along just fine
I wonder what my boyfriend's doin'
left in Amsterdam

I stand up in the morning
prepare some eggs and ham
is he awake or is he sleepin'
there in Amsterdam?

Morning time, evening time is it 3 am
I dont know what time it is
right now in Amsterdam

Morning time, evening time is it 8 pm
heaven knows what time it is
right now in Amsterdam

Is he lonely and does he still
remember who I am
Does he know how much I love him
Out in Amsterdam

Is he sad and does he miss me
will I find another man
I Cant find another one
My love's in Amsterdam

Chorus

bridge
When there are the moments the hands of those clocks meet
In that time I guess, maybe
he still thinks of me

heaven knows what time it is
right now in Amsterdam

Realtracks: (I didn't do too much to BIABs style with this one)
RealTracks in style: ~539:Bass, Electric, Pop Sw 120
RealTracks in style: 2124:Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm CountryShuffleJohn Sw 120
RealTracks in style: ~372:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Hank Sw 120
RealDrums in style: NashvilleBrushesClassicShuffle: a: Sidestick, Brushes b: Brushes,
WHATS THE TIME IN AMSTERDAM WHATS THE TIME IN AMSTERDAM

Hi Josie,

Here are my previously mentioned comments on the lyrics of Like A Lady.


Before I comment, I'd like to say that the below is just my perspective. I'm only one person I apologise in advance if what I write comes across as anything other than an opinion. I sincerely like this song. As I listened, though, thoughts occurred to me. Then, as I thought about it more, other thoughts occurred to me.

I completely understand that the whole point of FAWM is to get drafts down as quickly as possible and then move on. The transformation of drafts into full blown songs and productions comes after February.


To start with... here's my analysis

The Song's WHY
As I heard it, the lyric concerns a parent singing about his or her daughter and offering 'boys' some advice. This lyric is cleverly constructed because it could be sung by either a mum or a dad.

In the first half of verse 1, the parent speaks and talks about 'a boy' in third person. This section has a good, general feel about it. The second half now uses first person plural and talks inclusively about 'our daughters'. The use of 'some' as a pronoun is still presenting 'men' in third person... i.e. talking about them not to them. The use of 'our' gave me the impression that the singer seemed to be expressing the thoughts of all parents of daughters.

• For me, by this stage in the song, I'd formed the image in my mind that the singer is talking to a group of parents of daughters about how things could be better if the daughters were more aware of mens' qualities.

Now comes the chorus... With the use of 'you', the perspective initially sounded like the singer is referring generally with the plural 'you' to the group of parents. Then it changes. I was a little confused because it sounded like 'you' was also meant for the 'men' who, up until this point, had only been present in third person... now it seemed like the singer had turned around to a group of men on the other side of the stage from the parents and was addressing them directly. When the song finished, and I looked at the words, I saw that 'you' could be being used in the general sense of 'one'. When I substituted 'one' into the chorus...


… it worked so 'you' could definitely be used in this general sense. I didn't hear it that way though. Also, with the last line of the chorus, it occurred to me that 'with' dignity might work better because 'in' dignity is easily confused with the word 'indignity' and it's very different meaning.

The second verse and bridge also seemed to talk to parents sometimes and men sometimes. It also sounded like the singer might be the representative of a group of parents here too. For theses reasons, streamlining the perspective, so that any hint of confusion is removed, is worth playing around with.


At this point, it occurred to me that choruses often work better when they're stripped of pronouns because then they can be easily coloured by whatever pronoun(s) and tense leads into them from the verse. The only pronoun I needed to keep was 'her' since the chorus is about the daughter. To strip a chorus of pronouns, the simplest way is often to change verbs into their '-ing' form. The infinitive form of the verb is also useful for this (e.g. I've used 'to get' in the below). These verb forms work well with any tense that's used in the verse (past, present, future). Doing this led me to...


With no personal pronouns other than 'her' in the chorus, I now needed to develop a trigger phrase (or word) that could give the chorus meaning relative to a specific perspective in the preceding verse. Playing around with this, led me to... 'It's all about...” or maybe just “It's...” or even “If you want to make her happy, it's...”

Ok... this is when I thought I'd create a situation in my mind and shape the lyrics to that situation. For this particular 'who is the singer talking to' and 'why', I thought I'd try the scenario that a young man has come around to ask a mum if he can take her daughter out. They are standing at the front door talking. This then leads to the mother reaching down and grabbing her guitar and singing to the young man with some advice about how he should treat her daughter. It's fortunate that she keeps a guitar beside the door for emergencies such as this Thus...



The question now arises as to how to develop verse 2 so that the emotional intensity increases while keeping my above scenario in mind. Maybe moving into questions could work...



The bridge's perspective again moves to the group of parents and addresses them in relation to sons and daughters. Since a bridge often works well when the philosophical content is boosted and also since its meaning usually colours the final chorus, I played around with some 'bigger picture' ideas like... 'what's the meaning of life?', etc... a metaphor could work well here... This led to the metaphor "the road of life" which eventually yielded...



Here's a link to a pdf of the whole lyric...


Hope what I've written is useful. Please feel completely free to throw it away!

All the best,
Noel

Edit: modified a couple of lyrics

• my latest song: With You In My Arms

Noel. Thank you SO SO much for taking the time to post this. I think everyone can and will benefit from the detailed thinking that you have laid out for us. Love the bit about having her guitar handy at the door! That is classic!. Very funny.

I can see how the perspective of the song would be a bit confusing!

I think the chorus is what makes it confusing with the use of the pronoun "You". The song is not really trying to talk to the "boys" (nor is it trying to talk to the girls for that matter). It is actually talking to the "parents". It is saying we (as parents) need to teach our daughters that there are different kinds of men and to teach her to distinguish between the ones who "lust" after her and the ones that "love" her, ones that are careful (not careless..etc).

Then once we've taught our daughters that, then we need to teach our sons to be that "different type of man" (one that treats her like a princess etc). I think the song will work if I reword the chorus to exclude the "you" to somehow say "there are men who will treat a woman like a princess....etc

Trying to get a couple of songs out over the weekend! Real job is getting in the way!
Song number 8

Co-write with fellow FAWMer Arthur Rossi again

THE TRAIN TO PHNOM PENH

What a wonderful set of lyrics this was. All the exotic place names were just fantastic. I has to spend a bit of time on Youtube to figure out how to pronounce them (but still probably got it wrong!)

I’m stuck out here in Sisophon,
the station's ghostly in the dawn,
rusting tracks, abandoned logs,
three old shacks, two street dogs,

a mild breeze blows in June…
I'll leave before the great monsoon…
waiting for the train to Phnom Penh…

Geckos scurry by a stone,
the platform’s empty overgrown…
a pelican, a watercock,
now and then kids draw with chalk,
They say “Hey mam, you wait in vain,
we have never seen a train,
no, there is no more train to Phnom Penh…”

(Chorus)
Now and then...
people come and people go...
“you know,
they closed this line long ago”
I keep waiting for the train to come
waiting for the train to Phnom Penh…


I’m stuck out here in Sisophon,
clocks don’t work, hours drag on...
cranes fly by, disappear...
why am I sitting here?
wild orchids sway and bloom...
I'll leave before the great monsoon…
waiting for the train to Phnom Penh…

(Chorus)
Now and then...
people come and people go...
“you know,
they closed this line long ago”
I keep waiting for the train to come
waiting for the train to Phnom Penh…


(Bridge)
They say "Mam we gotta to be frank
Can’t even get to Battambang...
there is no train to Phnom Penh...”

(Chorus)
Now and then...
people come and people go...
“you know,
they closed this line long ago”
I keep waiting for the train to come
waiting for the train to Phnom Penh…

Realtracks: I am running out of energy to do too much with the standard styles that BIAB gives me. I didn't do anything with this one!!
RealTracks in style: ~537:Bass, Acoustic, Pop Sw 165
RealTracks in style: 616:Mandolin, Rhythm Bouncy Sw 165
RealTracks in style: ~812:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm Western Swing Sw 165
RealTracks in style: ~373:Guitar, Acoustic, Strumming Hank Sw 165
RealDrums in style: Nashville2BeatSw8^01-a:Sidestick , b:Snare, Ride

Josie,

I won't presume to critique you, you are light-years beyond my songwriter skills.

Perhaps I listen first to the music and then to the story-line. To my ear, your chord progression is too similar between songs. On #1, a musical phrase jumped at me that reminded me too much like another of your earlier songs.

Having an immediately identifiable "signature" is something that will fall into place later. Meanwhile, it's a distraction.

I hope I'm articulating properly without offending. My observation wouldn't amount to a hair on a freckle on a frog's wart.

You go girl!

Donny

Ahhh... thank you for the insight. I'm glad my ideas were potentially useful.

Happy writing.... you're doing a great job so far!

Regards,
Noel

• my latest song: With You In My Arms

Thank you So much Don. I appreciate the feedback. After the first few songs they all start sounding the same! I start singing a song and I go "wait a minute, I've already written this. I wrote it yesterday!". As an aside, apparently Paul McCartney thought he had already written "Yesterday". I think it comes from writing them all so close together! I am going to try writing some more acoustic stuff next, just with my guitar, so hopefully that will have some different influences!



Thank you Noel. I have taken careful notes for when I get round to the rewrites.

Good work so far. Fun watching. Will jump in here and say I've noted the same as Don about the musical familiarity.

I know you've got a good handle on it.

Hi Joanne,

Like No 7 and 8.
Enjoyable listen.

Guenter

Song number 8
Co-write with fellow FAWMer Arthur Rossi again
THE TRAIN TO PHNOM PENH

A very interesting lyric. Good melody and music.
It's an enjoyable listen.

The vocal seems a little hot (just a little bit of distortion that shouldn't be there...)

fj

"Perhaps I listen first to the music and then to the story-line. To my ear, your chord progression is too similar between songs. On #1, a musical phrase jumped at me that reminded me too much like another of your earlier songs."

Ha, ha -- it is FAWM and that happens all the time. Beside I write songs with similar melodies and chord progressions from past years. It takes a lot of effort to stretch and add new chords (or voicings) and melodies.

I've heard that the majority of us really only write about 5 "unique" songs -- we just keep writing those same 5 over and over again (with slight variations here and there).

It was a confession, of sorts. I have a favorite chord progression that is recurrent in most of my tunes. What worked once should work again!

I think Joanne understands that I wasn't knocking her, just a personal observation. Her reply shows that she's aware of the repetitive nature of genius.

A wine connoisseur can immediately tell the vintner, year, perhaps even who stomped the grapes and on what day of the week. She is an excellent vintner and storyteller.

Furthermore, the works of the greatest composers are generally recognized upon hearing just a few notes. Bumpapapaa!

I've forgotten the source but someone once said: "A masterpiece is merely a work in progress."

Donny

I must say once again that I really appreciate everyone who has take the time to listen to any of the songs and make comments. During the course of this month I have adjusted my sails as the comments have been coming in and I think that has made this the MOST fantastic experience of my life. I can honestly recommend it to anyone.

Here is song number 9 (on the downward slope now!)

ALL USED UP

These lyrics were offered up by fellow FAWMer John Hudome who said he "didn't wan to get too far into FAWM without posting anything" so he posted up these lyrics. They are infinitely relatable. I don't think there is one of us that can say that they haven't felt "All used up" a relationship at some time or other.

Lyrics:
I no longer like it
I don’t care what you say
Isn’t now a good fit
Just feel in the way
Have your time without me
Ribbons in my hair
Trimmings on the fir tree
Better I’m not there

Used to be exciting
Couldn’t wait to see
What would be there waiting
For you and for me
Efforts now been thwarted
Trapped as in a snare
buzzing head sounds for free
Guess you just don’t care

Chorus:
And I’m all used up
No where to go
All used up
After the show
All used up
So now you know
I’m all used up
The end is coming slow

Realtracks: I found the most awesome realtrack! The folk sorrow guitar track! wow. Okay so the tempo doesn't match the final song but I think it did a good job of adjusting!

RealTracks in style: ~2474:Bass, Acoustic, Held Ev 085
RealTracks in style: 2548:Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm FolkSorrow Ev16 090
RealDrums in style: BrushesBoomChickEv16: a: Brushes Smoothb: Brushes Boom
*******************

As Floyd would day "Have at it"

Joanne,

I listened to all of them, and of all of them all “Be Brave” and “Watching Time” seem closest to an album song in terms of a great production and an identifiable or branded “sound.” Not that you should use ukulele on every song, but these two songs were very simple and warm, and your vocals are excellent and warm as well. This particular simplicity of instruments and tonalities fits your voice and lyrical story telling style very well: it sort of cradles your voice in the warmth of the production, if that makes any sense. If I were producing this, I would strive for this level of warmth, and groove, and in the pocket production on all of the songs. Kind of like a James Taylor album---all of the songs might be different, but they usually all have a similar sound and tonality in the warmth and production. I would use these songs as your touchstones for producing the rest, they turned out really well. On some of the others, I like the songs, but found the instrumentation to be a little jarring or high pitched, in contrast with these productions which really cradled your voice. To me, your very warm, earthy voice tones should be cradled in musical warmth on all of these songs and any instrumentation that does not provide a warm pocket for the voice should be avoided. This album—to me—seems like it is a showcase for your voice, and not the instruments, which need to take second place. Hope this makes sense. If it does, I will be happy to take a listen to all tunes again if they are redone on a song by song basis just to give my production feedback as to whether I feel they are providing that warm pocket for your voice, or are distracting from your voice, should that feedback be useful.
Great job with the writing so far. Really excellent material.

David. Wow! Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. Thank you for taking the time to listen to all the songs. I am intrigued with what appeals and what doesn't. I take all your points very seriously and will definitely think about your kind offer when I do the album

Song #10 Her Serenity

HER SERENITY

I have absolutely no idea where this one came from! It started out from my own point of view, getting older, on the homeward journey, grey hair, getting wiser etc...etc using a metaphor of a boat or ship. Then I changed the point of view to "Her" instead of "I" and everything changed. Now, when I listen to it, it could have been written for a friend of mine who passed away from cancer in May last year. And it makes me weep. Not the intention I had when I started but thought I would just Fawm it and move on.

Her deck is rough and slightly worn
sails no longer bright
ropes a little salty stiff
stays no longer tight

She'll start the homeward journey now
set her sails again
Sail before the heaving seas
wind behind her main

feel splendor in
Serenity
Find beauty in
simiplicty
See the wonder of
Symmerty
I know she'll find her
Serenity

She's been learning all the way
That life is not a race
slow and even fair or fowl
To set a steady pace

She's learned to sail the boat alone
tried to ride the storm
found that endings start with one
She'll steer her ship back home

Realtracks
RealTracks in song: ~518:Bass, Electric, Pop HalfNotes Ev 085
RealTracks in song: ~896:Guitar, 12-String Acoustic, Rhythm FolkRock Ev 100
RealTracks in song: ~2200:Guitar, Nylon, Background CountryBrent Ev 085
RealTracks in song: 1856:Cello, Background PopCountry Ev 085
RT2457:Strings, Rhythm CelticAir Ev 085
And a dimension pro violin

Josie,

I'm "sold" before listening.

You have an uncanny ability to radiate love, warmth, respect, and empathy in your glowing personality. You are bulldog-tenacious in your loyalty to your myriad friends.

If we could bottle that, the world would be a much brighter place.

Donny

Song #10 Her Serenity

A very nice write! Your prosody in this is excellent.

Typically, you would want to have your hook or title repeat - at the beginning and end of the chorus is always a good repeat... in this one (this is just an opinion of course), I think it would be more effective if you could find another word (first line) similar to the others and leave Serenity until that last line.

You are doing great!

fj

Joanne,

Best of luck with FAWM - quite the undertaking. I admire your efforts.

I'm a big fan of your latest song, Her Serenity. Love the lyrics and the way that you deliver this one...

Bob

Bob, Don and Floyd. Thanks for the latest comments. Point taken about the word "Serenity" Floyd

It is NEARLY OVER. Don't know if I am going to miss it or be relieved. I think the big take home for me is just how many great song writers take part in this every year. This guy Arthur Rossi who I have collaborated with in Whats the Time in Amsterdam, The Train to Phnom Penh and this one has written nearly 100 sets of lyrics during FAWM (He aims to reach 100, of which many are in German). 31 of these lyrics have been set to music by various FAWMers. An incredible achievement!

I am half (and only half) tempted to give 50 90 a whirl......

Here is song # 11

I HATE PLANES with Arthur Rossi


Lyrics
The airport is as airports are,
cold, a little dark,
and today you’re leaving,
and today you’re leaving...

your bags already on the flight
there’s half a life inside,
today you’re leaving,
today you’re leaving...

(Chorus)
I hate planes,
if they were not there, you'd still be here
you’d be my darling, still my dear
and all’d be the same...
I hate planes, oh, I hate planes...

I just wished the'rd be no planes,
no ships, no cars, no trains,
so you’d not be leaving,
so you’d not be leaving...

I hope you’ll think of us,
don’t look back through that glass
when you are leaving,
when you are leaving

(Chorus)
I hate planes,
if they were not there, you’d still be here,
you’d be my darling, still my dear,
and all’d be the same...
I hate planes, oh, I hate planes...


Realtracks:
RealTracks in style: ~684:Bass, Electric, PopHalfNotesSync Ev 120
RealTracks in style: ~522:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking Ev 120
RealTracks in style: ~1677:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking CountryBrent Ev 120
MIDI SuperTracks in style: 2060:Strings, Rhythm PopCountry Ev 120
RealDrums in style: NashvilleEven8^3-a:Sidestick, HiHat , b:Snare, HiHat Open

Josie,

Sorry to be so stupid, helpless, and ill-informed, but you had a mellow, Folk Acoustic Guitarist on a recent song (don't even remember song title) but I think it perfect for a current project. Please help me find that specific style.

As wonderful as the new Style Picker is, it depends upon the Irish user to prompt it with ACCURATE data. I know it was FOLK>ACOUSTIC>GUITAR but that leads to dozens of styles to audition. Hopefully, you can give me the style NAME. Hint: It's one of your a new FAWM songs.

Thanks,

Donny

Hi Don
Was it this one?
http://joannecooper.co.za/track/971562/all-used-up?autostart=true

As heard at Sutter's Mill - Eureka, we've found it!

What's the name, Jo?

RealTracks in style: 2548:Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm FolkSorrow Ev16 090

Such a gorgeous laid-back style a beautiful ending.

Donny

Song # 12 Uncovered with Cynthia Wolff

I will hopefully get one more song done before the end of Feb (I have another collab that I have promised so I had better!)

Last weekend they had a whole weekend of "Skirmishes". This is were somebody hosts an hour of intense songwriting. They publish a topic and people write a song, record and publish in an hour! I wrote something really bad..(I guess it takes practice..I wont post it here) but someone called Cynthia Wolff wrote a wonderful lyric that really spoke to me because it was quite close to the bone to what has happened to me (and many many others). So I offered to put her lyric to music and this is the result.


I am drifting. A country without law.
my unprotected skin Worn and torn and raw
Exposed and vulnerable Pulled from my home
Taken from my country Left alone to roam

Bombs bursting Bricks tumbling
Down Down Down
All around me now history
Down Down Down Down Down

Underneath the night sky No bed to call my own
Had to flee my homeland Left alone to roam
What gives you the right To treat man this way
Uncovered and exposed Homeless left to stray

Gone is everything Our pride our dignity
Where lies the blame for this inhumanity
Where lies the blame

Realtracks
RealTracks in song: ~~701:Bass, Electric, PopHalfNotesSync Ev 085
RealTracks in song: 887:Piano, Acoustic, Solo-Accompaniment FolkPopPrairie Ev 100
RealTracks in style: ~~365:Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking Ev 085
RealDrums in Song: NashvilleEven8^1-a:Sidestick, HiHat , b:Snare, Ride

Final stretch now so any comments most welcome...

It's your normal fabulous, Jo!

I especially like the theme and story-line. Sometimes it is okay to leave the listeners "down, down, down". In this case, your having actually experienced it adds an element impossible to imitate. You've turned negative experience into a valuable asset.

You go, girl!

Donny