There's a lot of good things in the song, but I think there are a number of things that could improve it a bit. Keep in mind that this advice is probably not worth any more than you paid for it.

My initial impression is that the song drags a bit. It's not a question of length - it just feels like some of the parts are on different beats than others. Perhaps pushing them forwards/back a bit might help. I don't really know how to pin it down more than that.

I think some of the lyrics work against each other, where it sounds like the singer might be on the fence about things. So I'm suggesting the following rewrites to make the lyric unambiguous:
Quote:

We don't even need to find a reason
You could simply say that I'm not pleasin';
Leavin's in the air, and though leavin' makes me cry;
Guess I'm gonna have to be the one to says Good-bye.

Yesterday our love was so strong;
Didn't think we'd ever have tell each other "so long"
Now we stand and watch it fade before our eyes
(It's faded baby..)

I don't wanna pick up pieces
We're not gonna get to sign no long-term leases
Time to let it go, we've passed the time to try;
(It's over baby..)

You've been there before to cheer me;
Long ago you swore to hold and hear me;
Now everything is done, just help me one last time;
Cause I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye
Guess I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye
Yes, I'm the one who's gonna have to be say Good-bye

As for the music, some random thoughts:

Although I like the idea behind the staggered part at 0:12, I don't think it works for the introduction. Instead, just use the intro riff (A-B-C-D) without the cadence and jump right into the song.

There's a bit of conflict between what the singers are singing and what the keyboard player is doing, and I think that's part of the "draggy" problem. I'd make the keyboard follow the singer.

I like the change up on the drums at 1:15.

What's the "boing" sound in the background at 3:59?

I agree that the song seems a bit long, but how you want to trim it is up to you. I don't think the instrumental adds anything to the song. I think you can drop a verse without doing any real damage to the song.

All in all, I think it's a good song.

-- David Cuny
My virtual singer development blog

Vocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?