Le Miz gave good advice. Here's what I can add, I think.

Even if lines and rhymes etc are "irregular", if you have a way to sing this, then it will work. For me, right now, it isn't yet a song-lyric. Don't take that the wrong way or as an insult. It's just that without musical context it's words on a computer screen. Axiomatically, it isn't a "song" until it's sung. Hopefully, at least in your own head/ear/imagination you can sing this. That you have some sense of the melody and it's two main components...the rise and fall of pitch singing notes and the "placement" of those notes in time--rhythm/cadence/phrasing. And that these musical ideas are connected and repeated in some coherent fashion.

If YOU can do that (even if it's all internal now) then it IS a song lyric for you. And if you can do THAT, then the most important parts of lyric writing are taken care of, imo. When I'm writing a song, THAT'S when I begin to get excited.

I'll make a couple of comments on the words on the screen.

1. I don't know what "And then opens ones That are barely ajar" means. 'Ajar' is something of a synonym to 'open'...not precisely, as I think it more usually refers to something that is 'open' which is normally (or ought to be) closed...at least that's what the computer voice in my dad's car seems to be saying. smile So "barely ajar" confuses me.

2. "Come on girl, can’t you see". This is personal and nit-picky, but that "can't you see" line is way overused, imo. It often comes up like a cheap way to rhyme and fill syllables rather than having any punch. That's just my opinion and the way I usually hear it. But, of course, I'm right. smile

3. You seem to change your POV with that line too. You begin talking "about" her, then change to talking "to" her. At least that's the way it 'reads'. It might be best to pick one POV or the other. And if you're asking, I'd be tempted to address the whole song "to" her.

That last one is just good advice for writing in general--especially fiction. Know who YOU (the singer) are in the song. Know who "the listener" (not to be completely confused with "the audience") is in this short piece of fiction. When those two "characters" are established, everything else is easier.

There's a lot to like in this. I like your title line. Assuming it hasn't been used many times in your genre, it's catchy. I like the theme a lot. Great subject.

I hope at least some of this has been helpful...but especially the part without numbers. smile


Last edited by Tangmo; 06/10/20 11:42 AM.
BIAB 2021 Audiophile. Windows 10 64bit. Songwriter, lyricist, composer(?) loving all styles. Some pre-BIAB music from Farfetched Tangmo Band's first CD. https://alonetone.com/tangmo/playlists/close-to-the-ground