Originally Posted by dcuny
Hi, Herb.

Really nice job with this - vocals, lyric, melody and arrangement.

I think the chorus is especially strong - and the verse is a nice contrast.

But... as pretty as the verses are, they don't feel like they're moving the story forward. I feel like you could cut them in half and not lose anything. The part of the song that gives me the feels isn't the verse, but the chorus.

What I'd like to hear is the piano break be fleshed out a bit more - I'm thinking of the piano part in "Telegraph Road" - starting quiet like the verse, and building into the chorus.

1. First verse as-is.
2. Drop the second half of verse 2
3. Keep the chorus. It's great.
4. Don't repeat verse 1.
4. Remove the break. Actually, move it...
5. Cut the third verse in half.
6. Piano break goes here. Make use of all the space you've got, break my heart some more, and build into...
7. Final chorus.

I also think the piano could do with some more dynamics.

The line "come what may" sticks out to me, a lone cliche in an otherwise heartfelt write.

Welcome back! You're arrived with a great song - as is.

Thanks for the advice and insights. That sounds like an interesting idea and I might explore that since I'm still considering this a WIP .... I'll work on "come what may" since yeah, that was a lazy line.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
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