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#217348 - 10/07/13 07:59 PM [User Showcase] You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night
Registered: 08/14/11
Posts: 413
Loc: Montana, USA
trapper456 Offline
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Registered: 08/14/11
Posts: 413
Loc: Montana, USA

Here is a new song that I created with "BIAB 2013" I was in the Pat Pattison classes with Berkley. I used some lessons that I learned when taking this class. Making the song move forward, and telling a story. At the beginning I created a much shorter version and I liked it so much that I did a full rendition adding another 2 verses. Enjoy!

You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night
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#217375 - 10/08/13 12:45 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 02/11/05
Posts: 2646
Loc: Kentucky
PgFantastic Offline
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Loc: Kentucky
Very well done, Vocal music production and lyrics. thanks for sharing!



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#217388 - 10/08/13 07:41 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5701
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Scott C Offline
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Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5701
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Excellent song. Great job on the lyrics. Guitars had a very nice tone...

Scott

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#217393 - 10/08/13 08:09 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 1815
Kemmrich Offline
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Registered: 02/27/07
Posts: 1815
Sounds good. My only complaint might be that it all seems like one big chorus. I can't tell (sonically) where the verses are and where the choruses are. Visually it is also too much -- I had to stop looking at it (ha, ha). You just need more variation between the verse and chorus. If a song lack dynamics it just goes on and on.

I think what you done is fine, just break it up better and add more dynamics.
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#217401 - 10/08/13 09:41 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7617
Guitarhacker Offline
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Posts: 7617
ah yes.... I agree with Kemmrich. I had no idea where the verses ended and the choruses (were there any?) began.

Where you hit the SHORT GUITAR BREAK.... there should have been an easily identifiable verse and a chorus before it..... however, it sounded like perhaps 3 verses(?) and part of something else that sounded too much like everything else.

For the most part, country, rock, bluegrass, and many other genre's of music have certain structure to them. Verses and choruses for the most part that are easy to hear and you know without a doubt that you are in the chorus or the verse. I found myself constantly asking what part of the song is this?

In a song, the verses are one part of the song that tells the story as you mentioned, and moves the song along. This is done well by the writing you have here. However, there is an apparent lack of a chorus. The chorus needs to be easy to hear... the listener should know it just went to the chorus. The chorus needs a different melody, perhaps a different chord progression and the energy level and groove should be stronger, higher, and solid.

The hook/title of the song YOU'LL BE CRYING FOR MY LOVE AT NIGHT should be in the chorus and probably no place else in the song.... especially in the verses. It should slam the idea home.... and hook the listener with a memorable melody line.

It would be easier to comment and digest the lyrics in more detail if they were written out on a single page as opposed to viewing them one line at a time in the video.

I think you have a good idea here and with a bit of effort, mainly a rewrite of a solid, unique chorus, the song could be really well written. Boil the verses down to the best story line possible and cap them with a chorus with that hook and let it tie them all together.

It reminds me of Tom Petty in more than a few places.

This advice is given with respect for you and in what you have written and hopes that it is encouraging and useful to you.




Edited by Guitarhacker (10/08/13 09:44 AM)
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#217488 - 10/09/13 12:45 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 08/14/11
Posts: 413
Loc: Montana, USA
trapper456 Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 08/14/11
Posts: 413
Loc: Montana, USA
Guitarhacker

that is great advice. I am going to attempt a r-write

Kemmrich

thanks for the words I am going to try to re-write this. As mentioned I wrote this for the pat pattison lesson's. I did an You'll be crying for my love at night, Stable Verse, & Unstable Chorus I thought that this sounded pretty good. Here is what I came up with by adding another 2 verses and using the same chorus. I know that this is breaking the rules. It does not sound to bad though because of the repetition. That is only in my opinion though. I do really appreciate the feedback. I am just writing with experimentation in mind, that is why I am looking for feedback to increase the knowledge of my writing. In my years of education I know that classes can only teach you so much. You have to sort of take the bull by the horns and teach yourself if you want to become real good at it. So, that is what I am doing. so, Just so you can get the just of this song here are the full lyrics.


You'll be crying for my love at night

4 Bar Intro

1st verse
You know I loved you for so long
I found out you didn't really care at all
Where did our love go wrong?
You set my heart up for a fall

Chorus:
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
You had to give me all this pain
Cause' it's another love that went so wrong

2nd verse
I have had all that I can take
I still love you in so many ways
This hurt goes on and on
And I ain’t gonna’ take no more

Chorus:
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
You had to give me all this pain
Cause' it's another love that went so wrong

Solo 8 Bar solo

3rd Verse
These tears I cried are not in vain
I know I’ll find love again someday
The thought of you’s driving me insane
My love for you stops here today

Chorus:
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
You had to give me all this pain
Cause' it's another love that went so wrong
Went so wrong, m, m, m, m, m, m, went so wrong, fade to ending

© Robert, A. Pidgeon 2013 all rights reserved

Scottt709
Thanks for your positive comments. I edited this in music creator 6. I added some effect to get the nice guitar sounds.

PgFantastic
and also thanks for your praise on this. I did the final production in my fostex vf08 digital recorder. I do all my songs this way.


Edited by trapper456 (10/09/13 12:47 AM)
Edit Reason: to change a word
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#217499 - 10/09/13 08:33 AM [User Showcase] Re: You'll Be Crying For My Love At Night [Re: trapper456]
Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7617
Guitarhacker Offline
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Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7617
The problem was not so much with the verses as it was with the "not well defined" chorus.

With the verses, read them without the music and see if they make sense and tell the story. Don't assume anyone knows what you're talking about. In other words.... nothing cryptic that isn't explained. Keep the melody and groove/patterns the same in all the verses.

Chorus:
Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night
You had to give me all this pain
Cause' it's another love that went so wrong

So, just by reading this and nothing else.... At first glance, the hook title is in the right place on Line 1..... however.... the 6 line chorus , I think, is wrong. Drop the last 2 lines and waa laa, you have the hook AGAIN in the RIGHT place..... at the end of the chorus....

Now you’ll be crying for my love at night
Through the endless tears of all my pain
now why don't you just let me be?
You'll be crying for my love at night


Since the first and last line are the hook line/title, the most important part of the rewriting is what you say in line 2 and 3 of the chorus.... in other words, you really only need to write TWO LINES.... 16 or so words..... how hard can that be? It needs to perhaps explain why she's going to be crying for your love..... either way, it should be the common theme that ties the story in the verses together..... that common thread.

The other options include using the hook/title in only the first line OR the last line, and write 3 new lines.... using rhyme and meter to make it work.

OR... move the hook to the end ...line 6 and write 4 new lines in the chorus. The chorus can be what ever you want it to be but, do follow the rules for placing the hook/title correctly in the chorus.... that was one thing that was throwing me off as I listened..... I heard the hook, and was expecting the end of the chorus and it kept going..... "what?"

Think of the song as a 3 minute video, for which you are writing the score. Choose the words efficiently and effectively.


Re-writing a song is generally harder than the original first write. Most songwriters make the mistake of thinking that what is essentially a good first draft is a finished song that exudes sheer brilliance. Only a small handful of writers were even close to that level. Lennon/McCartny being one example. Most of us really have to work to write good music. The secret to that is in the rewrite. So don't make the mistake of "falling in love" with your first drafts.

Many of my songs are rewritten 6 to 8 times.... I actually do not count anymore. I simply know that it's what I need to do and get to work doing the rewrite. The only goal is the best possible song.

This song: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12024980 I know for a fact, was rewritten and tweeked over 6 times.... at any given part of this song the listener knows exactly where they are. 2 verses tell the story and the pre-chorus sets up the huge chorus which delivers in a big way... providing musical climax and satisfaction.....

Believe it or not, this song started with 3 or 4 verses and even had a bridge. With each rewrite, it was trimmed and this was the "end result" of the editing and trimming and looking at the song in an objective manner.

This song is a co-write as well. Having a co-writer is one of the best and fastest ways to really learn how to write effectively.

I hope this unsolicited advice is useful and helpful.



Edited by Guitarhacker (10/09/13 08:37 AM)
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www.herbhartley.com

Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.


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