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I loved them both!! Great tunes, and absolutely killer vocals! Awesome job! Take care. Greg
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I loved them both!! Great tunes, and absolutely killer vocals! Awesome job! Take care. Greg Thank you for your kind words!
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Just had a listen...
Started with the newest version.... this has a classic sound that someone commented makes it hard to give a new feel because it's so dated.
Then listened to the first attempt. Loved it the best. It had a better vibe that didn't feel as locked in and dated but more of a blues feel that still retains the classic sound of the era without being so dated.
Good song. The levels of the mix were extremely low so it's really hard to comment on the mix due to the mix not being finished in that regard.
On the writing, and of course, all the crits on writing the lyrics are simply my personal opinion. So please don't get twisted out of shape over these comments.
I like the idea... it's been used before but your take is a good one. I didn't like the use of the same words repeated in the same verse for rhymes. That's the lazy way out when writing. Be creative. Seek other words to rhyme. (the word in question is: again) I almost caught myself repeating a word in a song recently. It was in a different verse.... but still my personal rule of thumb is "use it one time and it's done". I went in and made the change to a different phrase after some thought.
Your title doesn't show up in the song lyrics where one expects the title to be. In this case, at the end of the chorus is where I was feeling it needed to be. That's the hook. That's where we expect to hear the title. However, in this song, the title never occurs in the chorus at all. It only shows up in the first and third verses. A listener should be able to tell you the title of the song after one listen without previously knowing the name of the song. I doubt anyone would have guessed the title correctly by listening.
I'm not personally a big fan of "stone drunk again" anywhere it shows up in the song. Again.... IMHO.... that's lazy writing. You can think of something that fits and works better and takes it to a different place. It might take some thought and time.... but it's possible.
All that aside.... yeah, I like the original first version the best.
Good job.
You can find my music at: www.herbhartley.comAdd nothing that adds nothing to the music. You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both. The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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This has 'Swamp Pop' written all over it. Very popular genre here in south Louisiana, maybe you know of it?
I like both versions as they both feature your fine voice and fine vocal performances, but the first version is more interesting with more feel.
I do think the music in the arpeggio version could be fatter...with a wider stereo field maybe, or maybe the vocal is too up front? Easier said than done, I know. I'm no mixing expert.
Terrific song!
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J&B, : )
Herb,
thank you taking time to relay your thoughts on the songs. I think all of your points are valid. When I revisit the song I will take them to heart.
olemon,
Being from south Louisiana originally I am not only familiar with "Swamp Pop" but that is exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote it. Glad you liked it. I think it would be right at home on that FM station out of Lafayette.
Last edited by gruverider; 02/06/15 11:28 AM.
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Hi Lawrence, As often seems to be the case these days, I'm late to the party! That being said, though, I'm really glad I didn't miss it! This is an excellent song and a terrific testimony to your ability as a songwriter, as an arranger and as a performer. "Skillful, skillful writing" jumped into my head somewhere around mid-verse 1 and it never left. The rhyme 'once again'/'drunk again' is truly inspired writing. I'm a fan of these three syllable feminine rhymes and I envy anyone who can discover them and use them with such apparent ease. I read through Herb's post above and I found it interesting that he heard the use of 'again' as over-done from a rhyming perspective. When I look at the lyrics written out, I can see where he's coming from but, for what it's worth, I didn't hear these lyrics the same and 'again' didn't standout as over-used to my ears. For me, the journey of rhyme was ... - once again / drunk again (where once/drunk is the rhyme)
- stoned / alone
- do / do / lose
- (how) long / (carry) on
- rain / pain / again
- remain / same / change
- do / you
Interspersing the feminine rhyme 'once again'/'drunk again' with the masculine rhyme of 'stoned'/'alone' worked for me. It also made it possible for the last couple of lines of this section not to rhyme. I thought that this was a very clever way to draw attention to the title. I also liked the lyric amplification you created when you sang 'I'm thinking' and then repeated it with 'I'm thinking of you'. This, too, draws attention to the title. To my ears, this song had the feel of AABA format. That got me thinking and I found myself wondering about what the song would sound like if you ran headlong from the repeat of the B-section and straight into a repeat of the back half of the first A-section. This would also allow a repeat of that clever 3-syllable feminine rhyme. Lyrically this seems to work but whether or not it does musically is another thing altogether. I've set out your lyrics below to help try and explain what I mean (hope you don't mind). To assist my brain, I've phrased the words as I heard them sung.
A1
Well I’m stoned
Drunk again
Walking home alone
Once again
And I’m thinking
I’m thinking of you
A2
And I try
yes I do
To control
the things I do
But you’re like a vice
That I just can’t lose
B
And I wonder just how long I can survive, carry on
It’s like a cold, cold rain that never washes away the pain
That thunder calls and I’m stone drunk again
A3
So I remain
The same
Night after night
I never change
There’s nothing I can do
To keep my self from thinking of you
B + some A1
And I wonder just how long I can survive, carry on
It’s like a cold, cold rain that never washes away the pain
That thunder calls and I’m stone drunk again
Walking home alone
Once again
And I’m thinking
I’m thinking of you
Lastly, using 8-bar A-sections and 12-bar B-sections (if my counting is correct) was a great way to give this song a quasi-12-bar-blues feel. That's the sort of thing Bud would do, too! Excellent writing musically and lyrically. I'm in the minority because, while I liked both versions, I really liked the second version and the 12/8 feel. As others have noted, this is reminiscent of the Platters in some ways (and the 50s in general) and modern in other ways. Maybe that's why it appealed. Now I'm off hunting for more songs of yours that I might have missed  I seem to recall something about a samba... All the best, Noel
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2024
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Lawrence,
I agree with the forumfolks, you turned in a killer vocal on this. Very emotionally charged.
SD
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Noel, thank you for such a thought out reply. To your last point about the ending I could see a tag of "I'm thinking, I'm thinking of you..." It would underline that this is in fact the title and the center of the song. The metaphor of being stone drunk on the pain and emptiness of being without the person of your affection is a very strong one and does it's best to overpower the song so your suggestion might help to mitigate that.
While I can't say that I knew what feminine and masculine rhymes were (before I looked them up); the two words as a single rhyme is spot on and I felt ok to leave it as I wrote it without a need to edit it after I'd finished. My working philosophy is - most of the time I simply need to get out of my own way and just create.
Thank you again for your generosity and kind words.
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SD, thank you for stopping in for a listen and your kind comments.
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Ah, so very late to yet another train that everyone climbed on a long time ago.  I really liked the new version, but as I listened I scrolled through the comments, and read how everyone liked the original better. So now I'm listening to the original, and darned if that's not awesome as well. I think the second is a bit more expressive, but it's a tough call. Luckily, there's no reason I need to choose between them. They're both great. 
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Ah, so very late to yet another train that everyone climbed on a long time ago. I really liked the new version, but as I listened I scrolled through the comments, and read how everyone liked the original better. So now I'm listening to the original, and darned if that's not awesome as well. I think the second is a bit more expressive, but it's a tough call. Luckily, there's no reason I need to choose between them. They're both great. My thoughts exactly, beautiful, your voice is wonderful, Alyn
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David and Alyn, thank you both for stopping in for a listen and for the kind words.
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