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#492764 - 09/25/18 04:56 PM [User Showcase] Fragile Monuments
Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
Ezekiel's Storm Offline
Expert

Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
https://soundcloud.com/scott-schwarz-740132899/fragile-monuments

I just wrote and recorded this song. It's fresh off the vinyl press. For the lyrics, I didn't include any rhymes for the verses, only the chorus. I think it works. I will have to distance myself from the song before I decide if I like it.

I used the PINING BIAB style and added an additional acoustic guitar for a fuller acoustic guitar sound, and put a subtle electric piano in the chorus. I exported the tracks to MixCraft and did the rest there.

Real Tracks:
RealBass 2937 Bass, Fretless Electric Pop8thsRene Ev
RealDrums-BluesRockSlowEv^3-SdStk,Ride
RealPiano 2825 Piano, Acoustic, Rhythm CountryPopMike
RealGuitar 2916 Guitar, Acoustic, Rhythm CountryFolk8ths
RealStrings 2883 Pedal Steel, Background CountryEddy
RT2051 Guitar, Acoustic, Fingerpicking CountryBrent Ev
RT2505 Piano, Electric, HeldChords

Lyrics

I’m sorry
So sorry
For falling in love

Don’t hate me
Or turn and walk away
We’ve always been friends

Forgotten crystal cities, electric evening skies
Cleansing rains concealing, a world of amber eyes
Fragile monuments where a fallen rose lies
Hold me. Hold me.

Keep talking
I need to hear your voice
I am listening

I’m pining
Away, so make your stand
I will break through

Forgotten crystal cities, electric evening skies
Cleansing rains concealing, a world of amber eyes
Fragile monuments where a fallen rose lies
Hold me. Hold me.

I’m sorry
So sorry
For falling in love
I just keep falling in love
With you
I can’t stop falling in love
With you

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#492766 - 09/25/18 04:59 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 01/18/16
Posts: 1664
Joe -PG Music Offline
PG Music Staff

Registered: 01/18/16
Posts: 1664
Thanks for sharing this with us Ezekiel's Storm! Glad to hear it was pressed to vinyl. Solid choices of RealTracks too they mesh very well together! Great work!
_________________________
Cheers,
Joe

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#492774 - 09/25/18 06:04 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 1520
Loc: Charlotte, NC
Tano Music Offline
Expert

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 1520
Loc: Charlotte, NC
Ezekiel's Storm..excellent work! I liked everything about it..and I think that your choice to not worry about rhyming the verse is fine--I feel that you 'catch up' with the rhyming sense in the chorus. Very impressed with your vocal mixing/doubling. Real nice all the way around!
Thanks for sharing!

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#492820 - 09/26/18 12:47 AM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 11/29/06
Posts: 2153
Loc: Finland
jannesan Offline
Veteran

Registered: 11/29/06
Posts: 2153
Loc: Finland
Very nice to hear that you used the same style (PINING) as I used in my latest song. And this is closer to country than mine. I like the beautiful melancholy melody, those maj7 chords and that picking guitar you added. That fretless bass is one my favorite sounding instruments in BIAB. Great lyrics, I like the use of descriptive adjectives and alliteration in the chorus.

Janne
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#492886 - 09/26/18 06:53 AM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 10133
Loc: GA USA
Janice & Bud Offline
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Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 10133
Loc: GA USA
Interesting how differently that style can be used.

We enjoyed the listen!

J&B
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#492924 - 09/26/18 08:41 AM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 02/15/17
Posts: 3414
Deryk - PG Music Offline
PG Music Staff

Registered: 02/15/17
Posts: 3414
What a tune! I thoroughly enjoyed this. It has a really crisp, nostalgic quality to it which I like. I'm almost getting a Simon & Garfunkel vibe here - which is definitely a great thing in my books.

Really well done, and thanks for sharing smile
_________________________
Cheers,
Deryk

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#493003 - 09/26/18 04:29 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5644
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Scott C Offline
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Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5644
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Very nice tune. Excellent vocal, backtrack and lyric

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#493035 - 09/27/18 04:25 AM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2880
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
rayc Offline
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Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2880
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
The rhyming - or lack thereof - isn't a problem as the melody does the resolution work.
The song is a good one and the arrangement work with it quite well.
The only nit I would pick is that the vocal processing has increased the "essing". I'd suggest either backing it off, V chopping the syllable or using a de esser.
Your added instrumentation really does a good job of beefing up the backing.
_________________________
Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#493141 - 09/27/18 03:21 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 06/09/16
Posts: 3053
Robertkc Offline
Veteran

Registered: 06/09/16
Posts: 3053
I found the lack of rhymes gives the song an interesting shade - not quite country and, with the images in the chorus, a little reminiscent of Arthur Lee (Love) ballads.
Nice clear warm vocal and good choice of backing.

Robert

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#493144 - 09/27/18 03:32 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1262
Tangmo Offline
Expert

Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1262
Best advice I ever got on rhyming: If it doesn't want to rhyme, don't make it. "No rhyme" is far better than a forced one. I didn't miss it, to be honest, and I was "aware".

Nice smooth piece. The keys did bump up the fulness in the chorus, and all your selections worked well together.
_________________________
BIAB 2021 Audiophile. Windows 10 64bit. Songwriter, lyricist, composer(?) loving all styles. Some pre-BIAB music from Farfetched Tangmo Band's first CD. https://alonetone.com/tangmo/playlists/close-to-the-ground

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#493175 - 09/27/18 04:55 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 10/31/08
Posts: 17107
Loc: Australia
Noel96 Offline
Veteran

Registered: 10/31/08
Posts: 17107
Loc: Australia
Scott,

This is a wonderful listen.

I really like the non-rhyming verses. As I hear it, you have used assonance, alliteration and consonance very astutely as the glue that holds these sections together. Then, when the chorus comes along, the chorus rhymes are made all the more noticeable and more important because of the lack of earlier rhyming. I also really like the way you've uses three consecutive rhymes in the chorus and then ended with a non-rhyming fourth line. Interestingly, the long 'I' sound in "skies", "eyes", "lies" is a dipthong that finishes when a softer, long 'E' sound that has a gentle sonic link with the long 'E' sound in "Hold me". As I see it, this is very, very clever lyric writing.

The melody, your singing, your arrangement and production all worked really well through my headphones this morning.

I enjoyed it!

All the best,
Noel
_________________________
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#493180 - 09/27/18 05:02 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 4082
Loc: Sydney Australia
PeterF Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 4082
Loc: Sydney Australia
Nice work - a pretty tune, strong vocal and a good mix(that fretless that Janne mentioned sounds great).
Enjoyable song.

Peter

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#493370 - 09/28/18 05:34 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: rayc]
Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
Ezekiel's Storm Offline
Expert

Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
Originally Posted By: rayc
The rhyming - or lack thereof - isn't a problem as the melody does the resolution work.
The song is a good one and the arrangement work with it quite well.
The only nit I would pick is that the vocal processing has increased the "essing". I'd suggest either backing it off, V chopping the syllable or using a de esser.
Your added instrumentation really does a good job of beefing up the backing.


Thanks for the feedback, rayc. I noticed the sibilance. Additionally, thanks for tips on how to correct it.

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#493373 - 09/28/18 05:39 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Noel96]
Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
Ezekiel's Storm Offline
Expert

Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1213
Loc: Virginia USA
Originally Posted By: Noel96
Scott,

I really like the non-rhyming verses. As I hear it, you have used assonance, alliteration and consonance very astutely as the glue that holds these sections together. Then, when the chorus comes along, the chorus rhymes are made all the more noticeable and more important because of the lack of earlier rhyming. I also really like the way you've uses three consecutive rhymes in the chorus and then ended with a non-rhyming fourth line. Interestingly, the long 'I' sound in "skies", "eyes", "lies" is a dipthong that finishes when a softer, long 'E' sound that has a gentle sonic link with the long 'E' sound in "Hold me". As I see it, this is very, very clever lyric writing.



Thanks, Noel! I see that you took note during your literature/composition classes in school! smile I appreciate the analysis of the sound devices used in the lyrics.

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#493379 - 09/28/18 06:37 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 4648
Sundance Offline
Veteran

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 4648
Pretty song - I like the way you sang it - really nice voice and harmony.

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#493470 - 09/29/18 11:22 AM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 1830
gruverider Offline
Expert

Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 1830
The song and your mix have a smooth flow. That song style is very versatile and you have written it well.

much enjoyed!

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#493504 - 09/29/18 04:01 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 05/02/14
Posts: 3180
Loc: The Netherlands
RnAM Offline
Veteran

Registered: 05/02/14
Posts: 3180
Loc: The Netherlands
Nice one.
Smooth sound to it.
Backline (drum and bass) could have been a bit louder and vocals a little bit less loud.
But that's just my opinion (coming from a perfectionist who sometimes spends days on editing the volume of his vocals alone grin)

Rob
_________________________
We are Rob Meulman and Anne-Marie Bovenkamp from The Netherlands.

RnAM Homepage (completely restyled)
YouTube Channel

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#494434 - 10/05/18 04:55 PM [User Showcase] Re: Fragile Monuments [Re: Ezekiel's Storm]
Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 6194
Loc: Davis, CA
Greg Johnson Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 6194
Loc: Davis, CA
Very cool!! Pretty song. Well written and produced. Some interesting lyrics. These are my favorites:

Forgotten crystal cities, electric evening skies
Cleansing rains concealing, a world of amber eyes
Fragile monuments where a fallen rose lies

Very poetic, and wonderful melody through this section too!

Great job!! Take care. Greg

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