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#534824 04/29/19 11:19 PM
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Hi everyone,

I was away from this forum for a (little) while. But it looks booming now. Lots of new stuff from all creative persons. BB definitely meets a need, that's for sure!
But... I'm not only posting a compliment to BB, I'm posting a new song I made in the time I was 'offline'.
It's called Forlorn. The link: https://soundcloud.com/user-296497130/forlorn

That title sounds nearly the same as the Dutch word 'Verloren', and they have the same meaning: you can feel forlorn if a sad event happens and you're not getting a grip on it.
This song is quite the opposite of my former song which was Metal ('We are'). But to me that's perfectly normal.

The style is HOWCOME, but I used some other instruments, e.g. the sologuitar is realtracknr. 2603, and in the DAW I worked with my keyboard as well.
I hesitated a bit about adding the backgroundchoir, so I made two versions of the song. But the majority of people who listened to these versions prefered the choirversion, so that's what you'll hear.

The lyrics:
Forlorn
(c) HWBerkhout, april 2019

Can I find words to make you feel at ease?
Is there a place that gives you peace?
I heard you whisper about us in the past
Your voice so softly, but I got it at last

Is there a song you would love to hear?
And will it take away your fear?
You were always my rock that made me feel so save
But time has no mercy. Although you're so brave

How come that live will never last?
What does it matter when we meet our past?
Where are the answers if there's nothing to say?
So, what will matters at the end of our day?

Is there a time we can meet again?
I hope you wave if you see me then
I can't see you're moving, nor hear your voice
You are now ready, You made your choice

How come that thoughts refused to stay?
What does it matter anyway?
We're only tourists. We never stay
So, what will matters at the end of our day

Your spirit left when Time enters our door
Only tears keep runing, while you no more
Then I could not contain
Time always reign

How come that thoughts always fly away?
What does it matter anyway?
Where are the answers when words refused to stay?
But will it matters at the end of our day?

Where are the answers
when words fly away
Only memories
last longer, they say


Hans Berkhout
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https://soundcloud.com/user-296497130
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Good song!

Good writing, lots of good lines, and I like your vocal, nice tone.

Not crazy about the guitar solo to be honest, I didn't think it fit the mood of the song. Something more melodic might have worked better IMHO.

But that didn't take away from my enjoyment of the song, very nice indeed!

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Nicely done smile Some great progressions here, and your vocals have a nice tone to it. Nicely catchy as well - definitely a bit of an earworm.

Thanks for sharing!


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Deryk
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Great work on this Birchwood! The different elements really glue well together and I really dug the chord progression. The vocals harmonize well with the other instruments!


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Joe
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Another good song Hans...
I think it would be perfect soundtrack for a video...
I also like the effects you put on your vocal...
It sounded really good!
I agree with Dave on the guitar solo...
To my ears it just seemed out of place with the mood of the song...
However, I did enjoy listening to creativity...
Good job!


Jim
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"How come that live will never last?
What does it matter when we meet our past?
Where are the answers if there's nothing to say?
So, what will matters at the end of our day?"

Nice write and vocal performance. Really like the above lines!

J&B


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Hans,
Really nice song. Seems like you put a lot of effort and creativity in it!
Acoustically very pleasant to the ear, and your mixing improved level up.

You take critique well, so here goes my 3 cents:
I like everything in this tune except for two things.
1)I agree with Dave that guitar solo could be something else...or quieter?
2)I like choir except for last (4:25) instance. I think it could benefit, if it is higher or different octave.

Thank you for sharing!

Misha.

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I really like what you did with the style. Great choice. Thanks for sharing.


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Ember
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A lot to like here, good song, good singer. The harmonies in the chorus had an edge to them, perhaps intentional, but I was expecting something softer. The choir that came later was nice. Good work, all told.


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A very natural progression and voice drew me in. I liked the harmonies and the frequent breaks and changes in the groove. Kept things interesting. Well put-together.


BIAB 2021 Audiophile. Windows 10 64bit. Songwriter, lyricist, composer(?) loving all styles. Some pre-BIAB music from Farfetched Tangmo Band's first CD. https://alonetone.com/tangmo/playlists/close-to-the-ground
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Thanks all, for the nice words and also the critics.
I learn from it and it makes me feel good, reading your comments.
And... I listened to the critics about my choice of that sologuitar! The reason I chose it was that this sound symbolized the feeling of 'forlornness'(if that's a proper word) and a sweet sounding solo does not.
A concept of the song I had send to some friends. The (close) majority liked the one in the song. The others said exactly the same as some of you. To them I didn't listen. Till now.
I will change it.

And Misha, your critic nr 2: I had the choir ending higher, but changed it, because it felt a bit too sweet. I think your right though, but I don't want to listen to you now ;-)

Oh and Janice and Bud, so nice what you said about the lyrics. I like writing. But I need images in my head. If I have them, the words come out easily. But I realise all the time writing in native English is a goal I probably won't reach.

So thanks again,
Hans


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Very nice work Hans! Loved the vocal on this! You did a great job putting the backtrack together! It's a really good song! Thanks, Torrey




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Nice melody, catchy chorus. I like the tone in your voice, represents well the sadness of the lyrics. The guitar solo didn't distract me.

Janne


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As promised, I changed the solopart.


I also changed some other small things like adding a -muted- funkguitar and lifting -a bit- the last note of the choir (I did listen after all, Misha!), but that's it. Its not my habbit to change all my songs, although it appears to be like that, looking back to my last 3 songs. But at least I listen to you all!

And thanks Torrey and Janne for your nice comments. And Janne, about that sologuitar... sorry it changed into a saxophone :-)

https://soundcloud.com/user-296497130/forlorn

Bye,
Hans


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Listening to the new version as I type...
I'm not fussed on the ahhhs/choir.
The beginning of many sung phrases has a sort of aggressive crack to it - could be the compressor struggling to capture the transient.
The melody is nice though the repeated upward swing at the end of lines becomes a little unnerving at times. as is the sr5idency added by the backing vocals in the last sections of the song.
The "false rhymes" are OK - given what rap has done to pop but
"You were always my rock that made me feel so save
But time has no mercy. Although you're so brave" bogged me.
I assume it should be ....safe and ....brave.
All of that aside it's a lovely narrative and arrangement.
Well done.


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rayc
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Hans,

There is some great writing here... Good mix and vocals.

Keep it up!

Bob

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Ai Ray, that came in, but that's what this forum is for. Giving feedback.
And yes, I hesistated about that choir as well, as I said in one of my posts before.
But the majority found it nice, even your friend Misha.

I didn't hear that crack you mentioned. I'll check it later again. Today I've heard the song too much.
And abouth my upward swing I hadn't noticed till you mentioned it. I was more busy with getting the two recordings of my voice align properly.
And yes, these lines were false rhymes, but because of the speed of singing I chose to do it like I did. Otherwise the words would sound too made up.

Thanks for your remarks, but read what Bob Dean has to say ;-) (this is a joke)
But thanks Bob!

Bye,
Hans


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Originally Posted By: Birchwood
Ai Ray, that came in, but that's what this forum is for. Giving feedback.
And yes, I hesistated about that choir as well, as I said in one of my posts before.
But the majority found it nice, even your friend Misha.

I didn't hear that crack you mentioned. I'll check it later again. Today I've heard the song too much.
And abouth my upward swing I hadn't noticed till you mentioned it. I was more busy with getting the two recordings of my voice align properly.
And yes, these lines were false rhymes, but because of the speed of singing I chose to do it like I did. Otherwise the words would sound too made up.

Thanks for your remarks, but read what Bob Dean has to say ;-) (this is a joke)
But thanks Bob!

Bye,
Hans

Hello Bob,
Hello Hans,
I offered so much commentary because the song is good and your progress has been rapid. I want you to remember to take time to consider things and make the most of the songs.
False rhymes are popular and work really well in most instances - most writers use them.
The "crack" is a quirk of compression or voice or both and it may be that my headphones ad sound card contributed to it but, to my ears, it was there so worth mentioning. I do reckon that you should sing "safe" rather than "save" as it is a false rhyme that will work in terms of syntax.
Most people on the forum are kind, generous and benevolent. Most folk on the forum want to present their stuff to be listened to and enjoyed. sadly I've spent time on forums that have trained me to listen critically and to offer constructive commentary before offering praise - ying and yang packages I suppose.
I've been told to leave off or go away by a few people who don't want any commentary and I've done just that for those individuals. Decades of writing reports on academic and social progress have instilled in me the use and value of the General Comment Sandwich.
You are doing fab work, I simply think you could do even more so.
Nah, I'm also a curmudgeon - but rarely actually cranky.

Last edited by rayc; 05/03/19 02:43 PM.

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rayc
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The sax works very well.

The backing vocals in the first chorus are a bit hot, not by much, a dB or two is all.

I find that holds and shots and transitions are often tough to get right with BiaB. You've got a couple that are rather rough. When that happens to me I usually end up re-working the BiaB version to avoid them.

This is a solid song and a good production.

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Hi Olemon and Ray,

Thanks for your nice, bright comments. And I really appreciate it if one can give real reactions (criticism and compliments).
I believe that's also what this forum is meant for.
If we only can write nice things, we don't learn. As long as we write critically in a nice way, of course.

But Ray, what in heavens name is 'curmudgeon'? I could not translate that word.

Nice weekend,
Hans


Hans Berkhout
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