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#602942 - 06/21/20 03:34 AM [Songwriting] Seeking Feedback on Lyrics
Registered: 06/07/20
Posts: 4
JohnMAFS Offline
Newbie

Registered: 06/07/20
Posts: 4
Hello everyone! This is my 2nd draft of this song and I feel the structure has improved a lot. I feel there's a few little word changes that could be made though, so I'd really appreciate any recommendations!

Love, Rinse, Repeat
©2020 JohnMAFS

V1

It’s so sad
You hold your hand
Close your eyes
And pretend it’s your man

And it’s so bad
Your life’s so bland
Without his touch
Without his plan

Pre-Chorus

People say, “girl don’t you cry
Find another, and you’ll be just fine”
Surprise, surprise
Your hearts’ out to dry
And you’re back on the horse
For another ride

C

Come on girl, I can’t believe
Love to you’s just rinse and repeat
Please be with me
I’m all you need
Stop playin’ these games of
love, rinse, repeat

V2

It’s so sad
When one love ends
You barely stand
‘Til a new one begins

And it’s so bad
After all these tears
You’ve forgotten the boys
From the early years

(Pre-Chorus)
(Chorus)

Bridge

I’m such a fool
For loving you
Cuz love to you’s
Just filling shoes

Yet every time
I see you cry
I wish that I
Could make you mine

(Chorus)

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#603420 - 06/23/20 01:09 PM [Songwriting] Re: Seeking Feedback on Lyrics [Re: JohnMAFS]
Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7003
Guitarhacker Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 7003
I really dislike giving feedback on lyrics because that is my weaker point when it comes to writing songs. So you can appreciate my hesitation to give lyric based advice on specific lyrics.

Writing is a skill that one generally has to learn. You can learn and advance by several different paths. One is to analyze the songs you really like. Study the structure of the lyrics and how the verses are put together as well as the choruses. Notice how they tell a story and how the parts fit together and most importantly, that you can understand pretty much everything that the writer is trying to say on a first reading of the lyrics.

I think the secret to good writing is to be able to coherently tell the story or convey the images in your mind to the listener so that the listener has a thorough understanding of what you're trying to tell them. There are numerous exceptions to this concept, but generally, that;s how I approach writing. I am asking myself constantly, will the listeners understand this without further and more detailed explanation? If not, I have to rewrite it until they do.

I believe I mentioned this previously. Find a co-writer to work with who you think is better than you and is where you want to be as a writer. Lots of songwriter's forums online.

I also, highly recommend all writers read books and study the art and craft of writing to improve their skill level and then... write, write, write and then write some more. There are online and in person classes and local songwriting groups you can join to learn the skills you need. If you look up the Nashville Songwriter's Association International website, there;s a good chance you can find a local chapter near you and join them. Ordinarily, membership is not required at the local chapter level.

In regards to the lyrics you posted, I recall the previous version and think this is still lacking a cohesive story line. Of course, I'm looking at it from a country writer's POV and if it's a different genre, that may not be the case at all. Rock and pop lyrics are a bit different from country. You have a good idea, but IMHO it needs to be a bit more descriptive. Put the listener into the song. Make us feel that what you're talking about is real.

That's probably the hardest part of writing. Putting the listener into the shoes of the song so to speak. But that's what separates the good writers from the rest of the pack. Take the time to learn, and express your thoughts in unique and interesting ways.

Not sure if that was helpful or not.... but.... whatever advice you get and decide to listen to.... keep writing. Each writer has a style and you need to find yours. It will happen as you progress along the path of writing and to get there..... yep... you gotta keep writing.


Edit.... another thing I just remembered. the website at TAXI.com is a great place to hang out. Membership there is expensive. However, you can join their forum and participate there for free. So... here's a couple of reasons to hang out there.

1. It's all about writing better songs. That's what they do.
2. There's a large number of really good writers in that place.
3. They will tailor the advice to the level you ask for if you post something for critique. Beginner, Intermediate, or Professional.
4. You can see the industry listings and try your hand at writing to the listings. This is good because it gives you a topic, and a deadline. **
5. You can find co-writers there.
6. It doesn't cost you anything but your time.

** I have a tune or two on my page that was written under those very conditions. If you are curious, I will provide details and links.


Edited by Guitarhacker (06/23/20 01:19 PM)
_________________________
You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com

Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.


As the sword chooses the warrior, so too, the song chooses the writer.

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#604419 - 06/29/20 06:25 PM [Songwriting] Re: Seeking Feedback on Lyrics [Re: JohnMAFS]
Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 3443
Loc: Sacramento, California
dcuny Offline
Veteran

Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 3443
Loc: Sacramento, California
Haven't you posted this before under a different name? frown
_________________________
-- David Cuny
My virtual singer development blog

Vocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?

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#604772 - 07/02/20 06:09 AM [Songwriting] Re: Seeking Feedback on Lyrics [Re: dcuny]
Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1036
Tangmo Online   content
Expert

Registered: 08/21/18
Posts: 1036
Originally Posted By: dcuny
Haven't you posted this before under a different name? frown


No, David. Same name, different part of the forum. And an earlier draft.

I feel a little heartened that you took suggestions to heart. As text on screen, it feels more "powerful" to me this go around. I still maintain that I'd need to hear this sung before I could offer any more "advice". Up to you.
_________________________
BIAB 2020 Audiophile. Windows 10 64bit. Songwriter, lyricist, composer(?) loving all styles. Some pre-BIAB music from Farfetched Tangmo Band's first CD. https://alonetone.com/tangmo/playlists/close-to-the-ground

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#604891 - 07/02/20 08:32 PM [Songwriting] Re: Seeking Feedback on Lyrics [Re: JohnMAFS]
Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 388
jptjptjpt Offline
Journeyman

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 388
The force of powerful lyrics usually don't hit me until after I've heard the song. Song lyrics can be poetic but they aren't poetry. It is the music that brings them to fruition, it seems to me. Then, after a song really has moved me, am I able to read the lyrics as something separate.

Obviously the Pulitzer Prize people think different since they gave Bob Dylan a prize for his lyrics. smile

In any event, your lyrics read good. Writing for me is like opening a can of worms. I am never 100% happy with my lyrics, no matter how much I work on them.


Edited by jptjptjpt (07/02/20 08:33 PM)
_________________________
My music can be heard at: http://thecracks.bandcamp.com/

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