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#624172 - 11/21/20 12:40 AM [User Showcase] All the Way Down - translitic song sketch
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
YouTube - Todd Russell Hall - All the Way Down
SoundCloud - Todd Russell Hall - All the Way Down



===========================
TITLE: All the Way Down

===========================
TRACK & SONG INFO

Bass - 1189: Bass, Electric, HardRockWaltz Ev 140
Guitar 1 - 367:Guitar, Electric, Background Dreamy Ev 065
Drums - RealDrums=BluesRock 128^6-a:Snare, HiHatLoose, B: Snare, ???
Guitar 2 - 866:Guitar, Eletric, rhythm PopRockWaltzSteadyA-B ev140
Guitar 3- 857:Guitar, Eletric, Rhythm HardRockWaltzMutedA-B Ev140
Piano - 2361:Piano, ElectricVintage, Rhythm MotownSlowBluesy 12-8

sw8, 4/4, E 55 bpm

I wrote and recorded this the last weekend in April. I've misplaced my StudioOne file, but when I find it, I'll update this post with info about what extra tracks I created in StudioOne.
===========================


LYRICS

Draft 9

Verse 1.1
Say you’re all alone
Say soft songs of home
Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child
Who couldn’t carry the lie

Verse 1.2
And the dark endangered sea
That promised to be wild and free
Bloomed bitter and costly and cold
And salted your heart

Chorus 1.1
And now you're all the way down
Your hope’s halfway drowned
The faces churned up through the waves
Eye a terrible light.

Chorus 1.2
And now you're all the way down
Broken ship run aground
A vessel that's vanished from sight
That beds hard in the sea

Verse 2.1
Say your lover's words
Last true bird you heard
Soared high in the sky but then vanished
To the thief of the flight.

Verse 2.2
Say you shuttered your life
Fed your letters to fire
Snuck the blood from the bones' broken cup
Till the world had run dry.

Chorus 2.1
And now you're all the way down
And from your place on the ground
You see the stars slowly pulled, how they're torn
From the sky's fragile gown

Chorus 2.2
And now you're all the way down.
All the way down.
And the murmur of yearning and love
Is hard lost to the night.

Bridge
Well you know in your heart
You hold the sea and its charts
Well you know in your heart
You could let go and swim toward the light

Chorus 3.1
But now you're all the way down
All the way down
Like a ship. Like the waves. Like the broken
Refusing the fight.

Chorus 3.2
And now you're all the way down
All the way down.
Sullen fool holds the wreck of his heart
In a trembling hand.

End
Look to the light - let your heart fill with light
Look to the light - oh, you know that it’s right
Look to the light
Though you’re wrecked and you’re broken
Still you can fill with the light

=========================

This song sketch began as a poem in Afrikaans. I applied the translitic method to it to create the following 1st draft and then I kept revising until I made song lyrics.

Draft 1


Chaos registers okay in the class
so dapper the under-wiser bine-strap
the hooligans had horns going rear
systems had wasted and gone
the Thames veered vandalism in the world.
A husky word salivated, ingested word
I can you less leer
And what you knew shall forget me.
Hi hat and sun go scream what go scream hat
a horn dares and down the moor
toe trek high the mice actor home and
the being met group hear
to hard loop high the sword in the hand
toss the gease the rye
ears come ears go, very clear hi
fingers vote of tone
hi gooey the sword not in the later comer
dittle traffic and doe like dole
trek then and howl gear you'd
hi gain words met system spell
these first ant plopping masks the rugged scoon
(wear diagonal water skier, with hand)
hoolah vale so is rubber jolly (hula veil)
wander the prop and go trek word

=======================================

I had a cold when I recorded this, so my low-voice is pretty strained and scratchy. I plan to redo it. I'm open to hearing any other suggestions for the song. I really appreciate all the helpful comments and suggestions on the other songs I've posted on this forum. Thanks so much for all your help and your kind and encouraging words. I've enjoyed listening to everyone else's songs too. So much talent on this forum. Great job everyone.

Oh, I remembered an extra track I added. I had just built an electric guitar with piezo's in the saddles, and I used that to make the acoustic guitar intro. It was one of those "first thought, best thought" kind of guitar parts, but I'm open to changing it if you don't feel it fits or if you think it needs more refinement. Or if you think I need to add that acoustic guitar part as a fill in more parts of the song, let me know.

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#624184 - 11/21/20 02:27 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2789
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
rayc Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2789
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
Lovely vocal in the chorus.
I was, initially, confused by your numbering system...then I realized it is a slight complication I could ignore.
When i read/heard "Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child" I prepared for a dark journey but that level of dark imagery wasn't really approached again though the 1st English draft is much more akin to it.
There's a long walk between the draft and the final lyric.
I doubt the draft would've sung well.
The arrangement felt like it'd move into moody folk or a murder ballad but it retained a light, almost anonymous supporting role to the melody, vocal & lyric. It did that well.
_________________________
Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#624187 - 11/21/20 02:47 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: rayc]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: rayc
Lovely vocal in the chorus.
I was, initially, confused by your numbering system...then I realized it is a slight complication I could ignore.
When i read/heard "Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child" I prepared for a dark journey but that level of dark imagery wasn't really approached again though the 1st English draft is much more akin to it.
There's a long walk between the draft and the final lyric.
I doubt the draft would've sung well.
The arrangement felt like it'd move into moody folk or a murder ballad but it retained a light, almost anonymous supporting role to the melody, vocal & lyric. It did that well.


Thanks, Ray, for your helpful comments. I appreciate you giving my song a listen. Yes, the numbering of the lyrics is a little unconventional--it was originally to help me keep track of where I was when I was singing.

Do you feel I should change "the corpse of a child"? Or do you think I should try to make a few more drafts and steer the song toward something darker in subsequent lines?

Yes, the 1st draft definitely wouldn't have sung well. I think I didn't start trying to measure the lines until draft 5 or 6. The 1st draft is the actual transliteration from the foreign language poem and usually it reads like gibberish. The 2nd draft is where I start to "decipher" the 1st draft, to find patterns, images, potential meanings.

Did you like that the arrangement stayed light or would you have preferred it to move into something darker? Any suggestions about what to do to make it darker?

Thanks again for your comments and for giving my song a listen. I really appreciate it.

Cheers,

Todd

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#624188 - 11/21/20 02:50 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
This is the original poem in Afrikaans that I used to create my 1st draft transliteration:

Chaos regeer OK in die klas
soos dapper die onderwyser binnestap
die nooligans het hom geïgnoreer
sy stem het verlore gegaan
'Die tema vir vandag is geweld
en huiswerk sal ingestel word
Ek gaan jou 'n les leer
een wat jy nooit sal vergeet nie '
Hy het 'n seun geskree wat geskree het
en hom daar en dan versmoor
toe trek hy die meisie agter hom aan
(die een met grou hare)
Toe hardloop hy die swaard in die hand
tussen die geselsende rye
'Eers kom, eers gesny', verklaar hy
'vingers, voete of tone'
Hy gooi die swaard na 'n latecomer
dit tref 'n dodelike doel
trek dan 'n haelgeweer uit
hy gaan voort met sy spel
Die eerste ontploffing maak die ruggraat skoon
(waar diegene wat skier, uithang)
hulle val soos rubberjolle
wanneer die prop uitgetrek word

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#624190 - 11/21/20 03:41 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 806
Loc: Germany
CeeBee Offline
Expert

Registered: 03/04/07
Posts: 806
Loc: Germany
I liked the song and the arrangement. The transition from the original afrikaans lyrics had me baffled, but I guess that's the goal of translitic methodology. I liked the stuff on your youtube channel too, especially "Pay it down the line" and "Your paradise" Nice work
_________________________
Chris

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#624245 - 11/21/20 10:17 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9044
Loc: Florida
floyd jane Offline
Veteran

Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 9044
Loc: Florida
Todd,

Your processes intrigues me.

I like the tracks quite a bit. The build in the chorus was nice (I did think you could use some more heavy sustained big guitar chords there, too. Panned either side and "under"). The transition into the bridge could use one big sustained chord at the beginning - a bit of a "drop out" there.

The lyric was a bit "esoteric" for my tastes.

Your vocal on this truly shines. Man! you have some range - heading towards Steve Perry territory... Impressive. And really well recorded - that is not an easy thing to capture well. You did it in spades.

Keep 'em coming. I dig your music.

fj

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#624263 - 11/21/20 12:49 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 3964
Loc: Sacramento, California
dcuny Offline
Veteran

Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 3964
Loc: Sacramento, California
The song packs an emotional punch - both lyrically, melodically and vocally.

You've got the skill to pull it off, so it's all top flight.

I like the obliqueness of the lyric. In the balance between "poetic" and "song", the strong meter and rhymes lean it away from sounding like poetry set to music, and more on the musical poetry side.

The guitar intro was a bit off-putting for me, but that's only because I didn't know where the song was going. On further hearing, it made sense.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I can imagine adding an instrumental tag, like an outro on a pennywhistle or something.

Really, really well done.
_________________________
-- David Cuny
My virtual singer development blog

Vocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?

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#624264 - 11/21/20 12:58 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2789
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
rayc Offline
Veteran

Registered: 04/13/16
Posts: 2789
Loc: Stanwell Park NSW Australia
Todd,
that line is uncomfortable reading/listening but there's nothing wrong with that I wouldn't drop it though I might revisit that discomfort again with something thematically similar.
Musically, It's lovely but if it dropped into a darker section, same musically but different, darker tones added for example, you'd have contrast as well.
I like it all as is but that line stands out.
_________________________
Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe
Pop on over to The Recording Rebels for positive, honest commentary, critiques and support. https://therecordingrebels.com

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#624319 - 11/21/20 06:42 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5569
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Scott C Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/08/11
Posts: 5569
Loc: Edmonton, Ab, Canada
Very pretty song. Super vocal. Well done

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#624392 - 11/22/20 12:57 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: CeeBee]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: CeeBee
I liked the song and the arrangement. The transition from the original afrikaans lyrics had me baffled, but I guess that's the goal of translitic methodology. I liked the stuff on your youtube channel too, especially "Pay it down the line" and "Your paradise" Nice work


Hi, Chris. Thanks so much. I'm glad you like it. And thanks for giving my songs on YouTube a view too.

Yeah, the translitic is about creating something of a puzzle and then teasing out a meaning through multiple revisions. It's a way to discover new images, new metaphors, new juxtapositions of objects. Often the early drafts are pretty esoteric. It's been a good tool though to help me get out of a rut in my writing.

Cheers,
Todd

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#624516 - 11/23/20 03:53 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1187
Loc: Virginia USA
Ezekiel's Storm Offline
Expert

Registered: 09/02/18
Posts: 1187
Loc: Virginia USA
Cold or not, your voice soars on the chorus. Melody grabs you on the chorus too.

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#624918 - 11/25/20 12:22 AM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 02/03/16
Posts: 1320
Loc: Germany
Crossroads Offline
Expert

Registered: 02/03/16
Posts: 1320
Loc: Germany
Hi TexasFrets,

lots of emotion in there, wow. Your vocal is more than just outstanding - marvellous!

Enjoyed the listen.

Taje care,

Stefan

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#626816 - 12/01/20 12:11 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 9976
Loc: GA USA
Janice & Bud Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/05/11
Posts: 9976
Loc: GA USA
Anthemic indeed.

The two of us are fond of "connect your own dots" lyrics ...
well so long as the dots are not so far apart one gets lost smile
And your tune allows the listener to accept your imagery and
create their own.

You certainly use your impressive vocal range to great advantage!

Excellent tracks and mix and we enjoyed it!

J&B

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#627035 - 12/02/20 12:47 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: floyd jane]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: floyd jane
Todd,

Your processes intrigues me.

I like the tracks quite a bit. The build in the chorus was nice (I did think you could use some more heavy sustained big guitar chords there, too. Panned either side and "under"). The transition into the bridge could use one big sustained chord at the beginning - a bit of a "drop out" there.

The lyric was a bit "esoteric" for my tastes.

Your vocal on this truly shines. Man! you have some range - heading towards Steve Perry territory... Impressive. And really well recorded - that is not an easy thing to capture well. You did it in spades.

Keep 'em coming. I dig your music.

fj


Hi, FJ. I always love to read your responses. I'll see about adding some heavy sustained guitar in the chorus. And thanks for the suggestion on the bridge. I'll definitely give that a try too.

Yeah, my lyrics tend toward the esoteric. I suppose that's the risk of trying to make them poetic. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. Was there anything in particular that didn't make sense or didn't seem to follow? Or did they just seem completely out there?

Thanks so much for your kind words about my vocals. I really dig Steve Perry. My kids cover several Journey songs, and I always enjoy singing on them.

Glad you liked the recording. My bedroom--where I record--isn't treated, so it's always hard to tell how the mixes sound to others. Because the acoustics are bad, I often record through headphones. I also have some room-correction software, but I'm not sure how well it works.

I'll definitely try some of those suggestions you made and probably post the new version of the song sometime over the next few months.

Thanks again!

Cheers,

Todd

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#627037 - 12/02/20 12:54 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: dcuny]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: dcuny
The song packs an emotional punch - both lyrically, melodically and vocally.

You've got the skill to pull it off, so it's all top flight.

I like the obliqueness of the lyric. In the balance between "poetic" and "song", the strong meter and rhymes lean it away from sounding like poetry set to music, and more on the musical poetry side.

The guitar intro was a bit off-putting for me, but that's only because I didn't know where the song was going. On further hearing, it made sense.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I can imagine adding an instrumental tag, like an outro on a pennywhistle or something.

Really, really well done.


Hey, David. Thanks so much for your kind and helpful comments. I'm glad you like the lyrics. It's hard to tell how others will respond to them. Sometimes they are too fragmented or obscure. I think I tend to focus more on sound and image than meaning. Glad it doesn't sound like poetry set to music.

Thanks for letting me know about the intro. I had been feeling that way about it. I'll definitely consider doing something different with it or adding more of that kind of guitar throughout the song.

Yeah, the ending was definitely abrupt. I kind of ran out of steam there and needed a quick way to finish the song. I'll be sure to go back in and add an instrumental tag or something. I like your idea of a pennywhistle outro. ;-)

Thanks again! Cheers, Todd

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#627090 - 12/02/20 04:57 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 01/06/20
Posts: 859
Loc: Illinois
CaptainMoto Offline
Expert

Registered: 01/06/20
Posts: 859
Loc: Illinois
Powerful lyrics, well delivered.

Vocal sit just right.

Well done!

moto
_________________________
An Old Man Make'n Music

https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/captainmoto/on-the-brink

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#627117 - 12/02/20 06:41 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 02/20/10
Posts: 1147
Loc: Maryland
TuneMonger Offline
Expert

Registered: 02/20/10
Posts: 1147
Loc: Maryland
I liked the lyrics a lot. Your singing reminded me a bit of Neil Diamond. Very good singing. It all came together nicely. I would've liked a little more space between one main verse to the next one. You finish the chorus and then boom, right into the next verse. A small point, overall, it was brilliant.
_________________________
Windows 10, Intel Core I5 10400, 16 gig ram, Scarlett 6i6, Komplete keyboard, Sony Acid Music Studio 11, BIAB 2020 UltraPlus Pak

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#627162 - 12/02/20 10:20 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: rayc]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: rayc
Todd,
that line is uncomfortable reading/listening but there's nothing wrong with that I wouldn't drop it though I might revisit that discomfort again with something thematically similar.
Musically, It's lovely but if it dropped into a darker section, same musically but different, darker tones added for example, you'd have contrast as well.
I like it all as is but that line stands out.


Thanks, Ray, for those ideas. I might try that--revisiting the discomfort with something thematically similar. I have a lot of revision I'd like to do to this song, so I might do a few more rewrites of the lyrics. Thanks again! Cheers, Todd

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#627163 - 12/02/20 10:21 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: Scott C]
Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
TexasFrets Offline
Apprentice

Registered: 06/04/20
Posts: 180
Loc: Texas, United States
Originally Posted By: Scott C
Very pretty song. Super vocal. Well done


Thanks so much, Scott. I appreciate you giving it a listen. Cheers, Todd

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#627381 - 12/03/20 04:52 PM [User Showcase] Re: All the Way Down - translitic song sketch [Re: TexasFrets]
Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 6131
Loc: Davis, CA
Greg Johnson Offline
Veteran

Registered: 12/21/13
Posts: 6131
Loc: Davis, CA
WONDERFUL SONG!!! Love the melody, the passion, and the killer vocal delivery!!! I have a cold now but it's not allowing me to sing like that....WOW!!! LOVE IT!! Take care. Greg

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