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#702160 01/31/22 11:19 PM
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https://soundcloud.com/user-770148857/25-and-stuck

Here's my latest. Thanks for any comments, good or bad. I'm particularly interested in comments about the storyline.

RTs:
387:Bass, Electric, Metal Ev 085
1856:Cello, Background PopCountry Ev 085
639:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm HardRockThrash Ev 085
642:Guitar, Electric, Rhythm HardRockThrashHollow Ev 085
RockThrashHalfTimeEv16^1-a:Snare, Bell Ride , b:Snare, Crash Ride

The singer is Jamie Jordan from fiverr

Lyrics:

Guess you could say I'm shallow
Just a red blooded guy
There was this girl in high school
And who the hell was I?

Born to be a prom queen
Everybody loved that girl
What would make a guy like me
Think she'd rock my world

Well, I wanted that girl so bad
That it's stayed with me for years
I know that's a sorry state
And brother it sears sears sears.

I wanted that girl so much
Or at least somebody like her
I wasted my days
Imagining me beside her

Now I was born, it seems, to be a lonely guy
So I can't blame her existence No sirree
But late at night when I watch the tube and I'm all alone,
There's always her face, her face, her face, looking back at me

Oh, I wanted that girl so bad
That for years my life's been muck
Of all my early days,
She's what stuck

I wanted that girl so much
Or at least somebody like her
I wasted my days
Imagining me beside her


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TuneMonger #702161 01/31/22 11:57 PM
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Hello Bob and Jamie
Cool rock song
The song structure is very well solved
And the use of the cello is very good
Brings a nice contrast to the background
Jamie sings the song very well and gives the song the right character
The background is a bit quiet in some places compared to the vocals
But that is a matter of taste
BUT: What I really miss is the guitar solo !!!!
Still a great rock song
There is too little rock music here in the forum anyway
Great work guys
Many greetings
Andi ;-)

TuneMonger #702170 02/01/22 01:16 AM
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Good rock song!

Love it when the guitars come in, and they sound great all the way through.

Jamie does a good job for you on the vocal, good choice I think.

As far as the storyline goes I think lots of people can relate. Nice write!

TuneMonger #702184 02/01/22 04:32 AM
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Hi Tunemonger.
I thought the cello was fine in the bridge but not elsewhere as it was sort of anti the rest of the arrangement.
The storyline for me lacks resolve.
If he gets her in the end that would do it.

Vic

TuneMonger #702186 02/01/22 04:54 AM
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Hi, TuneMonger. 25 & stuck on a girl we can't have seems to be something many can relate to. My only other comment on the storyline would be this couplet: "And who the hell was I? Born to be a prom queen." Haha. No, just kidding. I like the cello; it gives it a sense of sadness. Of course, it's drowned in the chorus where the emotion rises as it should be. Jamie does a good job of bringing the emotion out. Sounds like he can relate.


Enjoy whatever happens!
marty

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TuneMonger #702214 02/01/22 06:28 AM
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TM,

A good write. A relatable story line.

Nice rocker. Love the guitars!

Your vocalist has a good Rock voice. I think it's a bit loud - could be tucked into the mix a bit more.
The high-end EQ is pretty "crisp" (I'd roll off quite a bit of that highEQ - that might be just the thing to reduce the volume slightly and get it down into the mix more).

I like your sense of "commercial" songwriting. Catchy. Good stuff...

fj

TuneMonger #702288 02/01/22 02:37 PM
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Cool intro and vocal. Cello was a nice setup for when the rock came in. Well done


Scott Collingwood
https://soundcloud.com/scottt709
https://soundcloud.com/spiritlevel-ca
https://www.youtube.com/@SpiritLevel-ge3hm/
TuneMonger #702315 02/01/22 05:21 PM
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TuneMonger,

This is a very interesting song! It really comes together when the heavy guitars kick in! That chorus is effective! The write seems good to me! You do Rock really well! Thanks, Torrey




TuneMonger #702322 02/01/22 08:02 PM
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Cool narrative and song..ah.
I think the voice is pretty good...ah but a tad mannered in the lounge styling tags.
You've managed well with voice and band sounding "together".
Well done.


Cheers
rayc
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TuneMonger #702325 02/01/22 09:03 PM
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TuneMonger...I liked the build up with the cello cause while it was playing I thought this is the wrong style for these lyrics and then...rock guitars...yeah...that works but as I thought about it so did the cellos...the storyline seems weirdly common...some guys never get past their high school sports exploits and some never get past their adolescent obsessions over a girl...sad but true...you captured that if that's what you were after...Jamie did a great job on the vocals.


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TuneMonger #702382 02/02/22 05:33 AM
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Good one.

About the story line:
I think it's something many can relate to.
A familiar theme but, getting close to bordering on obsession.
I think it might be nicer to end it with a more positive uplifting conclusion.

He moves on and finds new love or, they connect in later life or, he never knew she felt the same about him.

moto

TuneMonger #702399 02/02/22 06:49 AM
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Good rocker. The vocalist's voice fits the style. Good choice. Well written song. I like it.


My music can be heard at: The Cracks
TuneMonger #702449 02/02/22 10:12 AM
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Very cool rocker tune... I could relate to the lyrics... Love sick... been there.
Excellent arrangement & production...


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PROJECT M #702599 02/03/22 08:58 AM
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Thanks, Andi, yes we don't have enough rock around here and with this song and my previous one (Your Dish) I am trying to do something about it. Sorry no guitar solo, I thought long and hard about it. I modeled much of the song after Radiohead's Creep and they didn't include a solo, so that's what swayed me in the end. Thanks again for such a nice review


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Thanks, Blue Attitude, you're always so kind about my tracks and I appreciate that.


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vicarn #702601 02/03/22 09:04 AM
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Hi Tunemonger.
I thought the cello was fine in the bridge but not elsewhere as it was sort of anti the rest of the arrangement.
The storyline for me lacks resolve.
If he gets her in the end that would do it.


Hi Vic, I have to admit I'm surprised that you and several others have suggested a "happy ending." I'm going to consider it for a rewrite. Thanks for the suggestion, just the kind of feedback I was looking for.

The cello is staying, I love the cello.


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BabuMusic #702602 02/03/22 09:09 AM
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My only other comment on the storyline would be this couplet: "And who the hell was I? Born to be a prom queen." Haha. No, just kidding


Marty, thanks for bringing this up. I caught it too, but I was too late, I had already sent it to the vocalist. But it's enough of a blunder that I am probably going to pay him to re-sing the song. I really think this song is one of the best things I've done and I want it to be right. I'm going to switch the line "born to be a prom queen" with "She was more than pretty." I think that should fix it. Thanks again.


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floyd jane #702603 02/03/22 09:14 AM
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I like your sense of "commercial" songwriting. Catchy. Good stuff...


Thanks, Floyd, that really means a lot coming from you. I feel like you've been a principal backer of mine from the first song I posted here, and I really appreciate it. I will try to fix the vocal EQ but that is an area these old ears don't excel in. I may have to pay somebody to fix it because I want this song to be right.


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Scott C #702604 02/03/22 09:15 AM
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Cool intro and vocal. Cello was a nice setup for when the rock came in. Well done

Thanks, Scott, I love the intro, glad you mentioned it.


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This is a very interesting song! It really comes together when the heavy guitars kick in! That chorus is effective! The write seems good to me! You do Rock really well!

Thanks, Torrey, you've always been supportive and I appreciate it. For what it's worth, I feel like this is one of the best tracks I've done, but comments, while positive, don't seem to reflect that. Oh well, back to writing more songs. Thanks for commenting.

Last edited by TuneMonger; 02/03/22 11:20 PM.

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