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So... you think you want to be a blues singer.... I mean who doesn't...right?

How to sing the blues…

by Lame Mango Washington

(attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch? You stuck in a ditch. Ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty house

Bad places:
a. first-class restaurants
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're broke
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you're blind
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. the man in Memphis survived
c. you have a retirement plan or trust fund
d. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are muddy water and black coffee.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) middle name: choose a fruit (lemon, etc) last name: choose a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't know.


You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.
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Brilliant, thanks for posting this smile

But, no matter where you are you can't play the blues in an air-conditioned room...


Making bits and bytes sound good...

Goldmania Bella - A One-Man Girlband with no fans
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An oldie but goodie. I remember discussing this with a friend when we sat in adjoining cubicles 25 years ago.


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Another suitable blues death is by Tuberculosis. Especially if your baby "wouldn't even down to come around."

You also have the right to sing the blues if another mule be kickin' in your stall. Or if you open the front door and hear the back door slam.


Byron Dickens

BIAB. CbB. Mixbus 32C 8 HP Envy. Intel core i7. 16GB RAM W10. Focusrite Scarlett 18i 20. Various instruments played with varying degrees of proficiency.

https://soundcloud.com/athanorsoundlabs
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thanks you for the tips to writing and singing the blues smile

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American musicians who mock the Blues will suffer from bad juju and will most certainly lose their mojo, if they ever had any.

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Can happy people sing the blues?

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I've seen Buddy Guy many times. He is happy.

...Deb

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Originally Posted by DebMurphy
I've seen Buddy Guy many times. He is happy. ...Deb
Yes he is!

I’m not oblivious to the humor but gotta jump to the defense of our genre. 🤪 Simply stated and IMHO when it comes to blues folks either get it or they don’t. I “got it” in the 50’s as a kid listening to all night radio and never looked back. And many music genres today would not exist had it not been for the blues. End of rant. 😀

Bud

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Mike Bloomfield broadened the base, showing what was possible. Then, there was Stevie Ray.


Link: www.soundcloud.com/ed_shaw (Feel Free to Use)
https://drooble.com/edward.shaw/hymn/index.htm
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You absolutely cannot sing the blues if you have a hang nail. If your arm got taken off by a 'gator down in the delta, you can sing the blues.


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And remember what Bob Dylan said, "But nobody can sing the blues
Like Blind Willie McTell"


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