Frankly, I can't identify the object of your affection. The target drifts out of the reticle. Is it intended to be a love ballad? Perhaps the melody is vital to the storyline. I can't quite grab it. Some syntax is very mature while other parts seem rather juvenile. Which is it?

I only promised an unbiased opinion. Sometimes the truth is brutally painful. Opinions are like anal apertures, everybody has one. Take mine with a grain of salt. As Pat said, they are only opinions.

All the best on the song's development.