Hi Josie,

Good to see you on the channel again. What I've learnt about writing songs is that, at the end of the day, the only way to get better is to keep on writing, writing and rewriting. One of Pat Pattison's sayings that I always keep in mind is that "90% of Bob Dylan's songs are not his best 10%." I ponder on that often and it always gives me a bit of hope!

I like the fact that you've chosen not to rhyme any of the lines in this because it adds weight to the seriousness of the lyrics.

You asked for some ideas. As I listened to the song, I found myself playing with the idea of repeating part of line 4 to make a fifth line. This still allows you to keep a non-rhyming verse but (a) gives the ear some sonic resonance to hang on to and (b) emphasises the emotional intensity of the last line.

For example ...

  • She's a baby 3 months old
    She lies in her crib at night
    They ignore all her cries and
    leave her alone in the dark and in the cold
    In the dark and cold

  • Now she's just turned twenty
    she's right on the cusp of life
    She is in Boston when a lunatic
    places a bomb right at her feet
    A bomb at her feet

I mention the above because it might give some inspiration. Please feel free to totally disregard it.

All the best,
Noel

Last edited by Noel96; 05/05/13 10:32 PM.
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