I love this song, love it...The structure, and arrangement is perfect, and elicits emotion. My kind of song. I do think the lyric line that you show in the summary could be tweaked a bit to be a more compatible and deserving partner of the melody and great chords. But that's just my personal opinion. This is the bones of a great song and I can't wait to hear a real singer perform it.
Best
-Carolyne