Originally Posted By: Tano Music
David, excellent work! Not sure if you did this intentionally, but it sound like the minor-key mood embraced your lyric as it talked about troubles, but then the harmonic background switched to a brighter, major key as you talked about the good to come--really insightful, I thought. Same switch seemed to occur with the jazzy/edgy mood of the style moving to a comfortable pop-type mood. Excellent production and really great use of the elements of BIAB!

In terms of feedback:
on the lyric "I walked out of rehab"..the melody forces an unnatural syllable emphasis..better I think would be something like "I left rehab for good".

I like "doing time" better than "serving time"..the first part of "serv" is not as smooth-sounding as "do".



I really don't like the work "wreck" used anywhere (Amazing Grace is ruined, I think, with the use of that word in the lyric), but I love how you paired 'message' with 'wreckage'.

Excellent design with the "stop/think/remember" calls!

I sense that this song is highly true to your personal story..that is great; however, I think that, for the benefit of the song's best design, sometimes you (we) need to flex the story a bit. I'm thinking about your line about the 'chips'..I know how important that statement is, but I also think that "chips" is another awkward work to the ear, and I would look to modify that line with something that brings the same meaning, but uses words that are, again, smoother-sounding.

Like how you changed the rhyme scheme at the end so that lines 1+2 worked together and that let you marry up 3+4, thereby making your 'final message' resound more strongly.

Just my thoughts.

Great work!


Tano,

Thank you for the detailed critique/ It is very helpful. I wish I could take credit for splitting up the major and minor chords per the lyric, but I must admit that was just a happy accident I guess. I am not that sophisticated a writer. When I write, I sit down with my guitar, come up with a progression and melody I like .... humming at first and try my best at coming up with a lyric. Not much more to it than that, for me. I find the production and arranging part, far more enjoyable.

As far as the story, I am happy to say this is not my story. the truth is this is not even about anyone I know. It is a story, on the other hand, that i think most people have heard before.

Thanks again for the listen and comments. It is greatly appreciated.

Dave

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