The backing, narrative and melody work well together.
You could improve things by removing the stick count in and doing a little treatment on your vocal.
I know you want the honesty & intimacy of an untreated vocal BUT, honestly, the lips smacks and essing are quite loud & distracting.
A gate would deal with the smacks and a simple de-esser would reduce the esses a bit.
OR you could use volume automation in your DAW to reduce the level for both issues.
Seriously, addressing those bits would make the very nice piece you've constructed even easier listening.


Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe