The 1st verse set up a very odd protagonist/subject perspective.
That isn't clarified as the lyric progresses .. in fact it becomes less clear.
The chorus seems at odds with V1.
Writing a song as with a short story from multiple perspectives isn't uncommon but a story allows time to establish a structure and rhythm to the changes where as a song lyrics, unless an heroic ballad perhaps, is less accommodating.
If it were my lyric I'd be inclined to colour code the perspectives and then try to balance them.
If I failed at that I'd highlight the lines I really like and file it for future cannibalism.


Cheers
rayc
"What's so funny about peace, love & understanding?" - N.Lowe