Log in to post
|
Print Thread |
|
|
|
|
User Showcase
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 11,694
Veteran
|
OP
Veteran
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 11,694 |
Well, since everything useful has been said, (and I agree with) I'll take a stab at a rewrite. Not because I think I can do better, but... I can't resist the challenge. But first, it was great being able to get "behind the scenes", so to speak, on the songwriting in your response to Charlie. The second verse feels like a bridge to me. I agree, it does everything it needs to do, and for what the song aims to be, it's works perfectly well. But perhaps verse two could do something else? You've already used the list in the first verse to go through the days of the week, and the chorus to hit the weekend. One option would be to take another swing at the weekdays again. This seems weak, because it can sound like it's just repeating the same thoughts as verse one all over again. So it's got to be different somehow to make it work. Maybe rhyming the weekdays to keep it subtle (yes, I'm just repeating the first verse here, to see what happens): one day i won't be missing her look to the day that it will no longer hurt when i say i'm not sorry or sad there's a way i can stop from going madUrf. That didn't really work, did it? Not clever enough by half, and it's another list (in that it echoes verse one). How about what she's been up to during the week? Completely ignoring the established meter: monday i found she had unfriended me on tuesday her friend stopped by to give me back my keys wednesday i tried calling but her new number's unlisted thursday she serves me papers that say i'm ceased and desistedIt doesn't tonally match, because it's way over the top. Instead of building on the misery, it's completely unbelievable. Which, some people might say, makes it a poor solution. Those people are the "no fun" people at parties. OK, one more crack at the "days of the week" approach, even though I know it's going to end badly. last monday i was kissing her then tuesday she walked away ...Urgh. Nothing clever, just the same old cliche. That's all I've got. "One "trick" that can be used when you find that your first verse is stronger than your second verse is to simply swap the verses to allow the stronger verse to fortify or build on the theme. In this case that was not an option. In order for the chorus to have the impact that it does, the first verse needed to be the list of days since the list continues into and defines the chorus."
There's always a place for a song to go. I see four paths.
. Leave verse two 'as is', it's there and I'm the only voice with a nit. It obviously works as intended. . My first thought about verse two was the same as David's, make it a bridge - Verse 1, Chorus, instrumental, bridge and final chorus. As a bridge, change the chord progression, feel, or even the tempo. . Reverse the verses but add the days again - I agree with you and David here. It's a weak path that doesn't build the song but it's a logical path because one has a bad day that turns into a bad week, that becomes bad weeks, months, years and sometimes forever. A bad day is never forever. . "How about what she's been up to during the week? " If a rewrite is in order, this is the one. Two good ways to do it. - A. Continue in the first person but develop what you hear about how she's taking the breakup. - B. Rewrite verse two from her perspective, having 'her' describe her first week in days the same as your verse one perspective - Enlist Janice - develop the song as a duet similar to Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock's "The Picture".
<< Monday -stumble through my daily grind << Tuesday, this broken heart working overtime << Wednesday, he's on my mind throughout the day << Thursday, wondering why i let him walk away << This heartache never takes a break << I know just what it takes It seems to me that David "answered his own question"... Writing about what "she" has been doing could work. However, doing it by listing the days again (in my opinion) would make the song "cheesy" sounding. I fact anything that listed the days again would do that. But you might be able to do it without listing days. Turning it into a duet is really "something else", and therefore, not addressing the "issue" (if there is one). And, again, (in my opinion) with the following the "list the days" thing, you end up with something "a little too cute" for my tastes. Donnie and Marie territory... And she would have to be singing the same chorus which would bring up the question of "why don't they just get back together?" I'm still willing to entertain a well-written 2nd verse. (not just ideas of what might work...) It's just 6 short lines. How hard can it be?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ask sales and support questions about Band-in-a-Box using natural language.
ChatPG's knowledge base includes the full Band-in-a-Box User Manual and sales information from the website.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
User Video: Next-Level AI Music Editing with ACE Studio and Band-in-a-Box®
Band-in-a-Box® 2024 German for Windows is Here!
Band-in-a-Box® 2024 für Windows Deutsch ist verfügbar!
Wir waren fleißig und haben über 50 neue Funktionen und eine erstaunliche Sammlung neuer Inhalte hinzugefügt, darunter 222 RealTracks, neue RealStyles, MIDI SuperTracks, Instrumental Studies, "Songs with Vocals" Artist Performance Sets, abspielbare RealTracks Set 3, abspielbare RealDrums Set 2, zwei neue Sets von "RealDrums Stems", XPro Styles PAK 6, Xtra Styles PAK 17 und mehr!
Paket | Was ist Neu
Update Your PowerTracks Pro Audio 2024 Today!
The Newest RealBand 2024 Update is Here!
The newest RealBand 2024 Build 5 update is now available!
Download and install this to your RealBand 2024 for updated print options, streamlined loading and saving of .SGU & MGU (BB) files, and to add a number of program adjustments that address user-reported bugs and concerns.
This free update is available to all RealBand 2024 users. To learn more about this update and download it, head to www.pgmusic.com/support.realband.htm#20245
The Band-in-a-Box® Flash Drive Backup Option
Today (April 5) is National Flash Drive Day!
Did you know... not only can you download your Band-in-a-Box® Pro, MegaPAK, or PlusPAK purchase - you can also choose to add a flash drive backup copy with the installation files for only $15? It even comes with a Band-in-a-Box® keychain!
For the larger Band-in-a-Box® packages (UltraPAK, UltraPAK+, Audiophile Edition), the hard drive backup copy is available for only $25. This will include a preinstalled and ready to use program, along with your installation files.
Backup copies are offered during the checkout process on our website.
Already purchased your e-delivery version, and now you wish you had a backup copy? It's not too late! If your purchase was for the current version of Band-in-a-Box®, you can still reach out to our team directly to place your backup copy order!
Note: the Band-in-a-Box® keychain is only included with flash drive backup copies, and cannot be purchased separately.
Handy flash drive tip: Always try plugging in a USB device the wrong way first? If your flash drive (or other USB plug) doesn't have a symbol to indicate which way is up, look for the side with a seam on the metal connector (it only has a line across one side) - that's the side that either faces down or to the left, depending on your port placement.
Update your Band-in-a-Box® 2024 for Windows® Today!
Update your Band-in-a-Box® 2024 for Windows for free with build 1111!
With this update, there's more control when saving images from the Print Preview window, we've added defaults to the MultiPicker for sorting and font size, updated printing options, updated RealTracks and other content, and addressed user-reported issues with the StylePicker, MIDI Soloists, key signature changes, and more!
Learn more about this free update for Band-in-a-Box® 2024 for Windows at www.pgmusic.com/support_windowsupdates.htm#1111
Band-in-a-Box® 2024 Review: 4.75 out of 5 Stars!
If you're looking for a in-depth review of the newest Band-in-a-Box® 2024 for Windows version, you'll definitely find it with Sound-Guy's latest review, Band-in-a-Box® 2024 for Windows Review: Incredible new capabilities to experiment, compose, arrange and mix songs.
A few excerpts:
"The Tracks view is possibly the single most powerful addition in 2024 and opens up a new way to edit and generate accompaniments. Combined with the new MultiPicker Library Window, it makes BIAB nearly perfect as an 'intelligent' composer/arranger program."
"MIDI SuperTracks partial generation showing six variations – each time the section is generated it can be instantly auditioned, re-generated or backed out to a previous generation – and you can do this with any track type. This is MAJOR! This takes musical experimentation and honing an arrangement to a new level, and faster than ever."
"Band in a Box continues to be an expansive musical tool-set for both novice and experienced musicians to experiment, compose, arrange and mix songs, as well as an extensive educational resource. It is huge, with hundreds of functions, more than any one person is likely to ever use. Yet, so is any DAW that I have used. BIAB can do some things that no DAW does, and this year BIAB has more DAW-like functions than ever."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forums66
Topics81,665
Posts735,634
Members38,533
|
Most Online2,537 Jan 19th, 2020
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|