Originally Posted By: rayc
Lovely vocal in the chorus.
I was, initially, confused by your numbering system...then I realized it is a slight complication I could ignore.
When i read/heard "Drifted shoreward like the corpse of a child" I prepared for a dark journey but that level of dark imagery wasn't really approached again though the 1st English draft is much more akin to it.
There's a long walk between the draft and the final lyric.
I doubt the draft would've sung well.
The arrangement felt like it'd move into moody folk or a murder ballad but it retained a light, almost anonymous supporting role to the melody, vocal & lyric. It did that well.


Thanks, Ray, for your helpful comments. I appreciate you giving my song a listen. Yes, the numbering of the lyrics is a little unconventional--it was originally to help me keep track of where I was when I was singing.

Do you feel I should change "the corpse of a child"? Or do you think I should try to make a few more drafts and steer the song toward something darker in subsequent lines?

Yes, the 1st draft definitely wouldn't have sung well. I think I didn't start trying to measure the lines until draft 5 or 6. The 1st draft is the actual transliteration from the foreign language poem and usually it reads like gibberish. The 2nd draft is where I start to "decipher" the 1st draft, to find patterns, images, potential meanings.

Did you like that the arrangement stayed light or would you have preferred it to move into something darker? Any suggestions about what to do to make it darker?

Thanks again for your comments and for giving my song a listen. I really appreciate it.

Cheers,

Todd

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