Nicely done....

I liked how you changed the lyrics in the choruses to move the time line along.

I liked the twist at the end. Wasn't expecting that. I had to go back and reexamine the lyrics in V1 after that.

Good work. For me personally, the bass was a bit light but it worked well in the context of the song as you recorded it.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.