Nice! A couple random thoughts, in no particular order:
  • There's not a lot of space for the melody to "breathe". Putting some pauses in the phrases will help the listener better process the melody.
  • Both lead instruments are very percussive in nature, and the lack of sustain give a mechanical feel. Using instruments with more sustain might help, because you could add more expression to them.
  • There are some leaps that would be difficult to sing which also stand out. There's nothing wrong with them, but they help create an overall impression that the melody is more mechanical than felt. The more "singable" the melody is, the easier it is to process.
  • You could split some of the phrases between two instruments - say, a banjo and fiddle. It would help by giving some variety and contrast to the melodic line, as well as hinting to the listener where one musical though ends and another begins.
  • It's better to change instrumentation early and often and leave the listener wanting more than to wear out your welcome overusing particular instruments.
Hopefully there's something useful in there...

-- David Cuny
My virtual singer development blog

Vocal control, you say. Never heard of it. Is that some kind of ProTools thing?