Lyric writing, like any other noble task, takes a lot of practice and effort to do it well. 99% of us will need to write 50-100 songs before we get any feel for what can work and what doesn't work, start to get rid of cliches and more importantly learn that songs with "pictures" and "actions" are more powerful than lyrics that stick with "emotion" or "feelings". Songs need to be 3-minute mini-movies where the listener really can see what is going on (there are always exceptions). That "outliers" book said it take 10,000 hours of anything to become proficient at a profession/skill.

Hmmm, that certainly was a tangent! I think your first effort here is pretty good -- but it really only matters on how it sings and how the singer likes it. I would involve the singer as a co-writer and see if she wants to add/change things. The more invested the singer is with a new/original song, the more she will put into it (I guess -- ha, ha).

Kevin

Now at bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh @ bandcamp or soundcloud: Kevin @ soundcloud