General comment looking at the lyrics:

Lots of 'I' and 'Me' in the original lyrics. Love songs are usually about the other person.

Here are some ways to say similar things without the first person reference:

"I feel the earth beneath my feet" --> You move the earth beneath our feet

"I feel a song
I am in ecstasy" ---> You are a song that brings ecstasy

"You give me hope
And turn me around" --> You give hope and turn life around

"My skies are blue
When I’m with you" --> The skies are blue, when I'm with you" (see I left one in there, but took out the unnecessary 'My'.)

If you are worried about filling the line with syllables, never miss a 'Whitney' opportunity to stretch out words in a dramatic way.

etc.

First person references get boring rather quickly. I learned this when I was a writer for an online media review magazine, the Phantom Tollbooth. The person running the site helped me to get all of the 'I think, I hear, etc.' references out of my first review. The review is about the CD or movie or book, not about the reviewer.

Same can be said when you are writing a love song. A few first person references are o.k., but make the song about the other person. It's implied that these other things about the person come from the first person perspective. No need to say it explicitly.

The hit songwriting book I refer to in the other songwriting thread that's currently live is very useful for dissecting your own lyrics and helping to see what is powerful about others' lyrics.

-Scott

My Songs, photos, writing,etc.
My Sound Cloud