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The idea for this song came about after seeing a hand-written sign on the news after the Boston bombings saying “stop hurting people”. The song is pretty self explanatory but I wanted to say that the world will be a better place if we just put ourselves in the shoes of the other person for a second and imagine if we would want to be treated in that way. Whether that be a fairly innocuous parenting notion such as leaving a baby to cry is good for it or a dreadful decision like placing a bomb at somebody’s feet (and everything in-between). I have a couple of problems with the song. The first is that I don’t think the song suits my voice. I think it a pop (rock?) ballad and my voice is decidedly country/folk. Secondly, the recording of my vocal is very pitchy. Thirdly I am not happy with the arrangement but don’t know where to take it. So, if anybody wants to help out with this song, as a co-write and to place some decent male vocals on it please drop me a pm. Lyrics are on soundcloud. https://soundcloud.com/josiec-1/when-will-it-ever-stop
Last edited by jo131; 05/05/13 08:02 AM.
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Hi Josie, Good to see you on the channel again. What I've learnt about writing songs is that, at the end of the day, the only way to get better is to keep on writing, writing and rewriting. One of Pat Pattison's sayings that I always keep in mind is that "90% of Bob Dylan's songs are not his best 10%." I ponder on that often and it always gives me a bit of hope! I like the fact that you've chosen not to rhyme any of the lines in this because it adds weight to the seriousness of the lyrics. You asked for some ideas. As I listened to the song, I found myself playing with the idea of repeating part of line 4 to make a fifth line. This still allows you to keep a non-rhyming verse but (a) gives the ear some sonic resonance to hang on to and (b) emphasises the emotional intensity of the last line. For example ... - She's a baby 3 months old
She lies in her crib at night
They ignore all her cries and
leave her alone in the dark and in the cold
In the dark and cold
- Now she's just turned twenty
she's right on the cusp of life
She is in Boston when a lunatic
places a bomb right at her feet
A bomb at her feet
I mention the above because it might give some inspiration. Please feel free to totally disregard it. All the best, Noel
Last edited by Noel96; 05/05/13 09:32 PM.
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2025
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Hi Joanne,
I like the background.
Why don't you just change the key up a little, so that it fits
your voice better.
Noel's idea with the additional line is not bad. I would suggest
a little break between verse an chorus, too, so that the words
"cold" and "will" don't hang together.
Just a suggestion.
Guenter
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Hi Joanne,
I like the background.
Why don't you just change the key up a little, so that it fits
your voice better.
Noel's idea with the additional line is not bad. I would suggest
a little break between verse an chorus, too, so that the words
"cold" and "will" don't hang together.
Just a suggestion.
Guenter I agree with all of the above suggestions by Noel and Guenter. BTW, I think you have a fine singing voice Joanne, this just sounds like the key is a bit too low.
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Thanks Guenter, Noel and Josie. I am busy putting together a new version incorporating the advice you have all given me.
Regards
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I have made the changes suggested and it sounds much better. I have updated the link in the initial post with the new version.
Thanks guys!
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Joanne,
That is quite a transformation! The added repeat line really works. And the bit of space before the chorus gave it some good "breathing room". I don't remember the instrumental break from before, but that adds to it nicely as well.
I like the production. The accordion works well. And that little bit (of accordion) at the end is a very nice touch!
floyd
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Joanne,
That is quite a transformation! The added repeat line really works. And the bit of space before the chorus gave it some good "breathing room". I don't remember the instrumental break from before, but that adds to it nicely as well.
I like the production. The accordion works well. And that little bit (of accordion) at the end is a very nice touch!
ditto. Guenter
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Great song! outstanding lyrics, and your vocal is impressive. thanks for sharing!
My TunesPsalm 57:7 My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music.
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Josie, I hear Pat Pattison's songwriting influences in there and, may I say, you have learned well.
I think that you have a beautiful Jonie Mitchell/Joan Baez voice. Don't touch that, please. I would possibly raise the key a full step (maybe more) providing you stay in your range and comfort zone.
Work on the songwriting principles that Pat taught you so well and give him cause to be justifiably proud of you, a prized student.
You go girl!
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Joanne,
I'm always amazed at what a few little tweaks can do. That's what makes experimenting so much fun.
Your voice shines in the higher key.
Nice changes.
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Joanne,
I'm always amazed at what a few little tweaks can do. That's what makes experimenting so much fun.
Your voice shines in the higher key.
Nice changes. I enthusiastically agree! All the best, Noel
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2025
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Joanne,
That is quite a transformation! The added repeat line really works. And the bit of space before the chorus gave it some good "breathing room". I don't remember the instrumental break from before, but that adds to it nicely as well.
I like the production. The accordion works well. And that little bit (of accordion) at the end is a very nice touch!
floyd I totally agree Alyn
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Joanne,
That is quite a transformation! The added repeat line really works. And the bit of space before the chorus gave it some good "breathing room". I don't remember the instrumental break from before, but that adds to it nicely as well.
I like the production. The accordion works well. And that little bit (of accordion) at the end is a very nice touch!
floyd I totally agree with Floyd. I remember hearing the original, I didn't have time to post anything then, but this is a wonderful improvement! I also like the repeat line (good job Noel) and the accordian is very cool.  Greg
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Josie and Floyd said it all.
Very nice production.
Later,
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Joanne, the re-work is YOU! You sound more comfortable in the new key and it shows off your dynamic range much more. You have a fabulous voice so show the world what you can do with it. It's just another instrument, after all.
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Hi Josie, Don, Danny, Floyd, Noel. PG Fantastic, Greg and Guenter.
Thanks so much. You really are the nicest bunch of people. Appreciated!
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Hi Joanne, I'm glad I was able to help a little bit  All the best, Noel
MY SONGS...Audiophile BIAB 2025
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hi Josie great job very creative thanks for shareing eric
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Hi Eric
Thanks for taking the time to listen and comment. Much appreciated
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