Let me start by saying Howdy and welcome.

You have a talent for writing that will fit well here.

I like story songs and tend to write quite a few in that style myself.

A few things stuck out to me that you should have a look at.

You have three and a half minutes to tell your story in a country song. Four minutes is the drop dead do not cross imaginary line. Well according to most writers.... unless you are with the Iron Butterfly, the Beatles, or Arlo Gutherie. The rest of us should try to get in, tell the story and get out between 3.5 to 4 minutes max. Less is better. Yes, even when, as you state, you're not trying to write commercially. One song in particular that I wrote, Come & Go... (on my website) started life with 4 verses a chorus, and a bridge and clocked in at just over 5 minutes. With the guidance of some other writers (in Nashville) I chipped away and hacked away all the filler and unnecessary parts until I got to where the song currently sets @ 3:40 to the last chord fade. Now days, I try not to exceed the 4 minute mark. My goal, ideally, is to be somewhere around 3 minutes and a few seconds. Aside from the "I'm not writing to the commercial market" excuse...that's all well and good..... but...... lots of folks start to tune out on the song when it goes past that 3.5 to 4 minute point. It's human nature. We bore easily. So... boil it down to it's essence.... keep the essentials, and discard the filler and paint that picture in about 3:30 total running time. your listeners will appreciate it more. The hardest thing for me was keeping the guitar solo's short. After all, I'm a guitar player and I want to play. Song before ego.

Vocals... your voice is good. You have a nice country sounding voice. The mix point on the vocal was too far upfront and loud. It could easily be somewhere around 10dB to 12dB or so lower and fit better. At that level, it will set well in the mix and still have crisp and clearly discernible lyrics.

Second thing with the vocals.... don't use FX on them. In fact, don't use ANY FX on vocals that alters the sound. (An exception might be a period song that needs a slap-back echo.) I can clearly hear phase shifting on the vocal throughout the song. Simply run the vocals dry with the exception of some light reverb to soften the edges. I hear lots of folks in other forums trying to us FX to "improve" the quality of their vocal track. It doesn't. The better option is to work on getting a really nice, solid, well recorded, natural vocal. People use, and hide behind FX of all sorts and levels, because they don't think their natural voice sounds good. But trust me when I say we don't hear your voice in the same context as you do. There are ways to thicken and fatten your vocals with out FX if that's absolutely necessary. But for now, just work on recording a natural sounding vocal track with a slight touch of reverb.

All in all, a good start to the forum on your first post. I'm looking forward to hearing more music from you.

You can find my music at:
www.herbhartley.com
Add nothing that adds nothing to the music.
You can make excuses or you can make progress but not both.

The magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding.