Quote:

Maybe someone could help me with that by suggesting lyrics for me.



This is not really a lyric critiquing site, but I will give you my philosophy about rhyming and things like that (just remember that I am an amateur lyric writer that is no better than any one else here).

In the end it comes down to your goals. If this song is just for you and your family and you like it as is, then don't read anymore on this post (LOL). If you goal is to entertain anyone who might listen to the the tune, then read on (and then accept or dismiss what I have to say).

I am obviously in the minority here on the analysis of your lyrics, mainly because of the rhyming scheme. My opinion is that if you use simple repeating rhymes, then you have obviously allowed the rhymes to run the show and not the "story" that is the basis of the song. You are actually further away from heart felt writing than if you used no rhymes at all. Great, modern writing is conversational in tone -- we write the way we speak (except we rhyme as much as possible, to make things flow and be memorable).

So to re-write the lyrics, write a synopsis about what you want to say in each verse and make it conversational. Then go about figuring out the rhyming scheme and the words you want to use. When you rhyme every line or use the same rhyming sound, the story actually gets lost and the listener gets trapped in the world of Dr Suessian mumbo jumbo.

Ian mentions above that he has rhymed every ending word in each verse. Without listening, I can't say if it worked or not, but my gut reaction is that is probably didn't work. He has chosen rhyming over story telling. The listener will end up knowing what word is coming next and forget what is being said.

So,

it might not be my cup of Earl Grey
and everyone has something to say
but it is probably a lazy way
to make a lyrical point today.

Kevin

Now at bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh @ bandcamp or soundcloud: Kevin @ soundcloud