floyd,

This is a really, really fine listen!

I don’t recall ever hearing you sing anything before that is so comfortably tailored in the jazz idiom that it could be called ‘bespoke’ jazz. This is a perfect fit for you in every possible way. Your vocals carry the story magnificently in the same way as Bobby Darin’s vocals in “Mack The Knife” (see Youtube clip below); the arrangement is superb (I love that jazz bass – that’s one I haven’t yet discovered); the mix has the kind of clarity that I strive for but rarely manage to obtain. In short, you have excelled (once again)!



Before talking about your lyrics, I’d like to look at the Edgar Allan Poe’s poem that you’ve also included in the thread. Thanks for that smile What I particularly like about Poe’s work are: (a) its AABCCB rhyme scheme and (b) its development of content.

To my mind, this poem serves as a very useful template for any lyricist or songwriter who is looking for ways with which to develop song lyrics. While the stanzas of this poem journey through time, their strongest development is created by the effect that time has on the protagonist.

In the first stanza,

Quote:
Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of El Dorado.

Poe sets the scene. This is largely ‘external’ imagery.
  • Poe gives the reader enough purposeful words to build a clear and vivid picture of a “gallant knight” who has been on the road for some time and whose morale is high. For the most part, these words are ‘external’ in that they show the reader a scene that’s on the ‘outside’ of the leading character in the same way that one would obtain the information by looking at this knight on the stage against a set and watching him journey from stage left to stage right.

In the second stanza,

Quote:
But he grew old—
This knight so bold—
And o’er his heart a shadow—
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

Poe expands on the protagonist's feelings using both external and internal imagery.
  • First we see that he has aged since stanza 1. This visual information is ‘external’; it is something that is on the outside of the character. Then, however, Poe moves us into ‘internal’ imagery with information that we cannot see and that comes from within the mind and body of the protagonist. Poe, as narrator, talks about how the leading character is feeling and how the knight’s morale is waning as the years of searching for El Dorada have taken their toll.

In the third stanza,

Quote:
And, as his strength
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow—
‘Shadow,’ said he,
‘Where can it be—
This land of Eldorado?’

Poe expands even more on the internal workings of the protagonist and also adds abstract and philosophy-like imagery.
  • While failing strength is ‘external’ in that it can easily be seen by those watching the character, it is also ‘internal’ in ways that an audience cannot see unless a narrator provides the information. The information that Poe gives us in the ‘internal’ realm seems to suggest that the protagonist is possibly flirting with either potential madness and/or knows that he is dying.

And in the fourth and last stanza,

Quote:
‘Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,’
The shade replied,—
‘If you seek for Eldorado!’

Poe uses imagery that is abstract and in the domain of philosophy to bring the story to a close.
  • Here the narrator seems to indicate that El Dorado is a death quest (or maybe a fools errand) that never ends. As I hear these lyrics, they are ‘big picture’ images. Poe also figuatively “pulls the lyric’s ‘camera’ back into a long-shot by letting us see mountains, the moon and metaphorical valleys.

Summarising the poem’s development, it can be seen that…

  • 1. The setting moves through time.
  • 2. The language starts with external-based, scene-setting imagery.
  • 3. Language then moves from external-based imagery to a glimpse of the internal workings of the protagonist (i,e, thoughts and feelings).
  • 4. The words that Poe uses to ‘bring the story home’ become images that are increasingly based on abstract and philosophical language; metaphor assists this purpose. (From an Internal/External perspective, abstract language is also regarded as ‘internal’ and metaphors have both 'internal' and 'external' components.)
  • 5. In the final stanza, the language becomes philosophical and abstract and pulls the figurative camera back into a long-shot so that big-picture (metaphorical) images are visible.

=====

On to your lyrics now smile

I love the way that you have used double verses followed by a chorus to create four single song sections (just like Poe’s 4 stanzas but lyrically heftier!). I also admired how you used XABBA combined with XAXXA rhyme schemes to build your double verses. Having only two end-of-line rhymes in the second of the two verses helped drive the lyrics into the chorus for me. It’s also worth noting that the first two verses (i.e. first double verse) set the scene and the chorus that follows them is like a philosophical summary of the past, present and future all rolled into one (at least, that’s how my ears heard this section).

Your first double-verse, just like’s Poe’s first stanza, is mostly external information that sets the scene for location and types of character(s). I particularly liked how you used “space”, “spaceman” and “...they all know his face, old man quit putting us on” to establish that this guy is not young and is also seemingly delusional.

In your second double-verse, again similar to Poe’s second stanza, you start with external images and then move into narrative that provides ‘internal’ information in that if the narrator had not passed this information on, the listener would not have been able to work it out because it’s ‘not on the outside’.

Double-verse three now moves into the realm of the abstract with images created by the other characters present. There’s occasional metaphor such as “prophet of doom” and “pawn shop hero” that serves to help emphasise the abstract content of these verses.

In the fourth set of double-verses, metaphor has a field day! This amplifies abstract content really well and develops the lyrics superbly. The listener hears about “ghetto gourmets” and kings with their own versions of septres, crowns and kingdoms. In the very last verse, like Poe, you pull the camera right back into a long-shot so that we can see how everything is happening all at once at El Dorado.

I really like the overall development technique that you’ve used! At no time in the nearly five minutes of listening did my concentration wander. You held me spellbound.

In addition to many terrific and fresh rhymes throughout, I also have to congratulate you on the rhyme “hero” with “beer-oh”. How clever is that! That use of enjambment to create rhyme is one that has pretty much disappeared from today’s lyric writing. The song that I admire most that uses this technique is “Mountain Greenery”. It’s incredibly clever.

Below is a link to an article I wrote for the Songwriting Forum a little while back on “Mountain Greenery” and Lorenz Hart’s rhyming. (I still haven’t managed to achieve this technique! Maybe one day.)

https://www.pgmusic.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=426386&Searchpage=1&Main=63658

I thoroughly enjoyed "El Dorado" song. You should definitely do more in this style!

All the best,
Noel

P.S. My apologies for typing so much! It was a very hot day here yesterday (40 C / 110 F) and I had to find ways to occupy myself while cooped up inside. Talking about "El Dorado" filled in the time nicely.

MY SONGS...
Audiophile BIAB 2025