Really cool song!! A pretty melody, strong write, and the vocal is killer...so passionate and authentic!! Really nice job on this Deej!! Take care. Greg
I've got it playing on repeat while I'm typing and it's pretty much impossible to type anything because I keep stopping to listen.
These lyrics are so incredibly potent that they radiate competence in every direction. What a great first verse! You had me from the very start and then when I head "swarms of thunderstorms", I had to stop and double-check that I heard correctly. That's such an amazing metaphor! Kudos to you for coming up with it. It's such a vivid image and says so much in so few words.
Everything about this is spectacular. Your singing is always a treat to listen to and these lyrics and this melody sit incredibly well with your vocals. Through your writing and your performing, you've captured the anguish of a broken heart so very, very well.
Hi Deej, Gotta say I absolutely love this song. It takes a true lyricist to use words like cowering, swarms and wreckage and not make them sound clumsy. While I'm on lyrics, I have one tiny niggle, but I have to offer it. The line: "since she’s gone I’m half-alive." is written as a rhyme for 'having fallen from her heights' and it's the only line in the song that jars for me as it's the only one not a true rhyme. Maybe something like "Since she's gone, the winter bites" or some such, There are many words that would work better. Great emotion in the vocal too. Keep 'em coming.
So glad you liked it . . . thanks for stopping in. Fair comment on the half-rhyme in the first verse, and my preference is always for a more perfect rhyme. But it was a trade off between that perfect rhyme and saying what I wanted to say . . . and the "half-alive" seemed most in line with what the singer is feeling . . . at least in my head. My hope is that the near rhyme is close enough, and early enough in the song, that it doesn't resonate too adversely. Definitely food for thought. Thanks much for offering up the feedback.
Thanks, Steve. It's baby steps with BIAB. Try to learn something new everyday, but learning enough to know how far I am way from all you superstars. Thanks for stopping in and giving this one a spin.
I've just read Songman's and your thoughts on rhyme. This is a topic that's very dear to me and, if it is ok with you, I'd like to share my perspective and add it to the mix (for what it's worth -- which isn't all that much right now since our Aussie dollar is not standing as tall and proud as it did a while ago). I hope you don't mind. Just let me know if you want me to delete this post and I will.
For better or worse, here are my thoughts...
I'm a huge subscriber to Pat Pattison's (link) approach to song- and lyric-writing. I've been to heaps of his weekend seminars over the years and every time, without exception, I come away both impressed and inspired. He's an amazing teacher.
As can be found in his books, Pat's approach to rhyming is driven primarily by the three following considerations...
(a) lyric acceleration and/or deceleration (b) lyric and melodic closure (c) boosting emotional content of lyric phrases -- this usually happens as a result of (a) and (b)
When it comes to creating a sense of closure for the listener, a perfect rhyme does it best. I'm guessing that this is why many of Shakespeare's long speeches end in rhyming couplets... they create a strong sense of completion.
A perfect rhyme has a sense of 'balance' about it and this 'balance' creates a sense of finality. This brings a sense of comfort to the brain.
Where things get very interesting, though, is with the imperfect rhymes. There are five of these (assonance, consonance, additive rhyme, subtractive rhyme, family rhyme - these are names that Pat gives them).
With the imperfect rhymes, there is a lack of the complete closure that accompanies perfect rhyme and this lack of closure creates a very slight sense of a 'lack of balance' in listeners' minds. This, in turn, induces emotion in the listener's mind. The end result is that if one wants to boost the emotional content of a lyric, imperfect rhymes are one of the lyricist's best tools for doing this. One of Pat's favourite sayings is that "Motion creates emotion".
To see this in action, have a look at verse 1 of Blowin' In The Wind written by Bob Dylan in 1962. For many, this song was definitive of its time.
How many roads must a man walk down Before you call him a man? How many seas must a white dove sail Before she sleeps in the sand? How many times must the cannon balls fly Before they're forever banned? The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind The answer is blowin' in the wind
The first lot of rhymes are -- man / sand / banned (Group 1)
As a test to confirm that these three rhymes are all necessary for lyric motion and that they support one another, try changing the two instances of 'man' in the first two lines to 'boy'. Now read verse 1 aloud. After doing this, it's easy to hear how the lyrics lose their flow. 'Man' rhyming with 'sand' is the better option for the lyrics. This is what Pat would call an additive rhyme.
The Group 2 rhymes that help drive this song are -- friend / wind and the repetition of 'wind'. Friend and wind are what Pat calls consonance rhymes (the 'nd' sound) and are the most unstable of all sonic relations.
Try saying the whole verse out loud and stop at the end of the second last line (i.e. omit the final line). The verse still works because of the consonance rhyme however the last sentence is left hanging and there's a noticeable feeling of discomfort because of this lack of completion. This still supports the song's message, though. Repeating the "The answer is blowin' in the wind" brings about a sense of closure without overly reducing the effect of the consonance rhyme between friend and wind.
More than that, though, this repetition reinforces all the questions that have been asked in verse 1 and the lack of complete closure that is created by the effect of consonance (friend / wind) is terrific at enhancing the reflective mood created by these questions. (In my opinion, at least.)
What is all the more amazing to me is that this emotional content is created by using a mixture of additive rhyme (man / sand), perfect rhyme (sand / banned), consonance (friend / wind) and repetition (wind / wind as well as 'How many' / 'How many' and 'the answer' / 'the answer'). These sonic relationships in conjunction with the use of questions make for a lyric journey of existentialism that overrides the feelings of happiness and buoyancy that a bright tempo and mostly major-chord-based accompaniment usually creates.
For me, this is immensely thoughtful, incredibly thought-provoking and very clever song- and lyric-writing by Bob Dylan. Time has not diminished the power and purpose that is inherent in this song.
Just my two cents worth!
Regards, Noel
Quote:
Books by Pat Pattison 1. Songwriting: Essential Guide to Rhyming 2. Songwriting: Essential guide to Lyric Form and Structure 3. Writing Better Lyrics (2nd ed.) 4. Link to a pdf with Pat's types of rhymes
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