Hi John!

Congrats to you for completing a song! (I'm amazed you had the moxie to post it; that's very unusual for a first attempt, and makes a (positive) statement about your character.

Also, I think you were smart to announce your ownership of the song (copyright). Do that for every song you put out there.

This is an exceptionally friendly set of forums. BiaB tends to attract people that are interested in creating, not just playing.

So I have a few thoughts. Number 1 is the most important.


1. Keep writing. Like anything else, the more you do it, the better you will get.


2. Did you notice that there is a "Songwriting" forum here? That's where your post belongs, and it's a good place to pick up tips. I'd also recommend that you read (and listen) to the "User Showcase" forum. There are some very smart people who post in those two forums, and they're people who are dealing with exactly the same issues you are (or will be).


*** I'm lyrically challenged! So take my comments with a grain of salt. ***

(I'm assuming you've created music to go with your lyrics. My "clue" was the repetition at the end of your 2nd chorus.)


3. Just reading, I think there are problems with structure. Big advice: Use BiaB!!!

BiaB forces you (at least it has for me) to "clean things up", and be more structured.

Here's an example:

Your first verse has 4 lines, 4 lines, 6 lines, then 4 lines.

But your second verse has 4 lines, 4 lines, then 4 lines. (The structure of your second verse is more common.)

The possible issue is that the structure of the first verse doesn't match the structure of the second verse.


4. Another issue is accents. They are "slaved" to the music, but normally you'd like your accents to line up.

Here's an example:

In verse 1, 1st block: "Closes her eyes" If you say that, the accents are on "Clo" and "eyes".

In verse 1, 2nd block: "Without the touch" If you say that, the accents are on "out" and "touch".

So, 1st block syllable 1 and syllable 4. Second block, syllable 2 and syllable 4.

Normally, the accents should be in the same places.


5. You have a very unusual rhyme scheme. (Irregular.) Normally, at least when you're starting out, try to rhyme line 2 and line 4 in a 4 block.

For example:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
and rhymes can be too


Most songs that people remember have cues that make them memorable. Having a simple structure helps. Having a simple (and common) rhyme scheme helps. Having the lyric accents hit on a good beat helps.

Mostly, I don't think any of this is crucial, if you've got a great tune.

(I like tunes.)

I hope something here helps you John. (See (1) and (2), and use BiaB!!!)